It’s been almost four months since my post about feeling like a fraud, and re-reading it, I can see right through my words in parts, but in other parts, I see that I still have some of the same struggles.
What I didn’t want to admit to myself or on these pages was that I was more attached to food than I cared to admit. And more lax in my eating than I cared to admit. Sure, I ate mostly well, but I also ate so mindlessly. And I was ruining any progress I was trying to make with my workouts. And probably in some cases, canceling out the workouts I was doing completely.
You may think I am being hard on myself. But I’m not. Because in the last 40ish days of this 60 day challenge I have realized more than ever just how much emotional attachment I was having to food and honestly, how little I was even savoring it.
Food attachment now? Almost nil. I call that progress. (more on this topic tomorrow).
Progress: A- (and damn proud of it!)
As for my self-image issue and tearing myself apart any chance I got?
Well, I will say it is improving. I am doing less and less of it. But when I do it, I realize how much my first tendency is self-deprication or negativity and not embracing the changes I am seeing physically. Instead of feeling as great in my dress as I did at the last wedding I was in, I found myself looking at flaws (‘oh, this dress is flowy-er and it makes me look fat’ or ‘my chest fat is showing’ <-um what?!) and sliding back into bad habits. But honestly, I still looked good, but was fixating on such minute details. And comparing myself to my sister and her dress. (I also realize that I purchased this dress at one of my lowest points and was looking for something as flowy as possible so I could hide a little bit. Sad, when I think about that in hindsight)
But it comes and goes in waves. Today, I felt great. I had a really tough 6.2 mile run this morning (a surprising 6.2 since M and I were aiming for 5. Hello misroute!) and tonight a super tough barre n9ne method class (one of my absolute favorites!!). I wore a new Lululemon tank top (seriously, if I could afford to buy all of their stuff, I would!) that was more form-fitting and I was worried I’d stare at my stomach the entire time worrying if I ‘looked fat.’ But ya know what? I didn’t. I focused on the parts I loved. My arms and the increasing tone and strength (still amazes me that this tone is coming from 2-3 lb weights!!), my legs and calves are more shapely than they’ve ever been.
THIS is what I need to focus on. Not silly or petty comparison things.
So, yeah, there is progress, but there’s more work to be done. And honestly, I don’t know that it will ever go away completely, it will be an ongoing challenge. But I’m going to try my hardest to kick it to the curb.
Progress? C- (giving myself the minus for this weekend’s slips!)
One thing I can say for certain over and over? I am SO thankful to have faced this journey head-on and I’m going all out, not halfway and then stopping. It’s making a world of difference in SO many more ways than just physically.