Self-image progress report

It’s been almost four months since my post about feeling like a fraud, and re-reading it, I can see right through my words in parts, but in other parts, I see that I still have some of the same struggles.

What I didn’t want to admit to myself or on these pages was that I was more attached to food than I cared to admit. And more lax in my eating than I cared to admit. Sure, I ate mostly well, but I also ate so mindlessly. And I was ruining any progress I was trying to make with my workouts. And probably in some cases, canceling out the workouts I was doing completely.

You may think I am being hard on myself. But I’m not. Because in the last 40ish days of this 60 day challenge I have realized more than ever just how much emotional attachment I was having to food and honestly, how little I was even savoring it.

Food attachment now? Almost nil. I call that progress. (more on this topic tomorrow).

Progress: A- (and damn proud of it!)

As for my self-image issue and tearing myself apart any chance I got?

Well, I will say it is improving. I am doing less and less of it. But when I do it, I realize how much my first tendency is self-deprication or negativity and not embracing the changes I am seeing physically. Instead of feeling as great in my dress as I did at the last wedding I was in, I found myself looking at flaws (‘oh, this dress is flowy-er and it makes me look fat’ or ‘my chest fat is showing’ <-um what?!) and sliding back into bad habits. But honestly, I still looked good, but was fixating on such minute details. And comparing myself to my sister and her dress. (I also realize that I purchased this dress at one of my lowest points and was looking for something as flowy as possible so I could hide a little bit. Sad, when I think about that in hindsight)

But it comes and goes in waves. Today, I felt great. I had a really tough 6.2 mile run this morning (a surprising 6.2 since M and I were aiming for 5. Hello misroute!) and tonight a super tough barre n9ne method class (one of my absolute favorites!!). I wore a new Lululemon tank top (seriously, if I could afford to buy all of their stuff, I would!) that was more form-fitting and I was worried I’d stare at my stomach the entire time worrying if I ‘looked fat.’ But ya know what? I didn’t. I focused on the parts I loved. My arms and the increasing tone and strength (still amazes me that this tone is coming from 2-3 lb weights!!), my legs and calves are more shapely than they’ve ever been.

THIS is what I need to focus on. Not silly or petty comparison things.

So, yeah, there is progress, but there’s more work to be done. And honestly, I don’t know that it will ever go away completely, it will be an ongoing challenge. But I’m going to try my hardest to kick it to the curb.

Progress? C- (giving myself the minus for this weekend’s slips!)

One thing I can say for certain over and over? I am SO thankful to have faced this journey head-on and I’m going all out, not halfway and then stopping. It’s making a world of difference in SO many more ways than just physically.

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20 thoughts on “Self-image progress report

  1. Good for you sweetie! You’re amazing and your body is amazing! Just think … it led you 6.2 miles. I did yoga tonight and am feeling quite down on myself right now. I say any progress is good progress. Congrats!

  2. Yes, yes, yes, a 100000x yes. THIS is exactly what I was trying to tell you earlier today. I’m glad our little talk seemed to have shaken things loose a little bit for you. Because like Soccer Mom said – your body is amazing. It lead you to a “mistaken” 6.2 miles this morning. OWN THAT FEELING!!!

  3. Wow, lady…this is a great post. First of all, you’re stronger than I in the food department. I’m getting there, slowly but surely. I have attachment-to-food issues as well. I can’t even count on two hands the number times my mom’s said, “God, Missy, could you fit anymore on that fork?” She didn’t mean it in a bad way, more as a joke, but looking back on that aspect of my habit/attachment, it’s quite obvious I wasn’t savoring food either. You’re rocking it in my book!

    As for self image, everyone’s right…that run was made possible by a body that you’re still (involuntarily) criticizing. You should be very proud of your achievements and changing body.

    Isn’t it strange how we find clothing to hide things…but they somehow make us look/feel worse?

    1. Thank you Melissa! Food IS tough to break away from, emotionally. And I guess I didn’t realize how much I was attaching myself to it. It feels good to look at it just a little differently and not feel so attached OR deprived, for that matter. And you are so right, amazing how we can pick clothes that we want to hide flaws but they don’t always do much to compliment the rest either. (not that I hated my dress, or anything, but I can see what I got it initially!)

  4. What I love about the misroute is that it forced you into a longer distance than you might have gone otherwise. Gotta trust yourself to make it because you totally can (obviously). I am so glad you’re getting better about not nitpicking all the flaws. So you are still doing it, but you’re catching yourself now and recognizing it. That’s a huge progress in my opinion.

    1. You are SO right. if I woke up yesterday facing 6.2 miles, I think I would have said no way, let’s do 5. Absolutely. I think I may intentionally misroute again tomorrow and see where it leads us 🙂 And thank you on the progress, it’s a daily process, I find more and more.

  5. I really wish I could get where you’re at–you’re doing fantastic. Also, I think I may start running. I haven’t since I got out of the military. I need to do something other than Zumba! You may have inspired me. 🙂

  6. Congrats lady! Keep kickin’ ass!

    I think it’s always a good idea to check in with yourself, look back over your progress. I really appreciate the fact that you’re addressing some legit issues (food attachment – oh I know that one) really rationally, and the more nebulous emotional side of things.

    Keep going with those thought processes – seeing the positive, the improvement, avoiding negativity that isn’t constructive. I think that’s half the battle: teaching yourself how to create new ways of thinking. We get stuck in mental ruts that can be just as unproductive and hurtful as our outward behavior!

    :D!

    1. Thank you Nikki! It IS a good idea to do self check-ins. I agree more than ever now. And the food thing was a huge realization for me. Absolutely was floored by it, to be honest.

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