All day I beat myself up. I swore I looked in the mirror and felt like I had gained weight. I rehashed what I ate and drank while away and felt like I could have done better.
Could I have? You betcha.
But did I fail? Not at all.
While there were times where I ate a handful of lime tostitos (for example) when I didn’t first think ‘do I need to eat these?’ I didn’t gorge myself. I didn’t get that ‘full’ feeling when I used to overeat. I just ate things – at times – that I haven’t had in awhile and that made me feel as though I was ‘cheating’ when in all honesty, our meals were pretty spread out (not often getting to lunch between wineries…led to one fast track to semi-drunkenness one afternoon, hehe! Woops!) and our meal choices were healthy and fresh. Sure, I probably
drank ate more calories than I have been since starting the challenge, but if I really look back, I don’t think it was *as* bad as I was making it be in my head.
At the core of it, my goal was to maintain balance (check), look at food as fuel (honestly? I looked at food as a way to balance some of the wine tastings too, so as to avoid said semi-drunkness episodes! The tastings aren’t huge, but after a few of them? They add up to a few glasses!)), and plan ahead. I think my success lied in maintaining balance but also enjoying some indulgence…like a few pieces of cheese (cheese made in the heart of the Russian River Valley? Passing that up would have been sin!).
I think what this trip taught me most about what I have learned is that…I’m still learning. And I am still not ‘over’ my mental/body image issues. Not by a long shot. I so quickly dove right back into that feeling of negativity and self-doubt and self-hate that I have worked so hard to move past. To me, that was where I failed. That was where I needed to remember what I have learned and not regress back to bad habits. And this is where I actually need to maintain balance more than I am and to stop obsessing over little things that in the grand scheme, really aren’t the end of the world. I’d rather have lived and enjoyed my life than worried that I was eating and drinking the wrong things every day. I need to work on that. I really do.
And when I read Tina‘s post this morning, it really struck a chord with me…because she is one of the bloggers I admire so much in her lifestyle – she knows balance, she applies it each and every day and in very large part because she has been there…far worse than I ever have. The mental mind game is a cruel thing and getting past it is a life changer. She reminded me that I can ‘conquer myself’ but really, only I can do that.
(side note: sorry this post is completely meandering, I have a lot in my brain today)