On life and musings in bullets.

My mind is a jumble lately, bullets are what I could muster. Not one specific thing in mind, but I miss writing. I miss sharing. So here it is, for whoever may still be out there lurking 😉

• I have no idea where my writing mojo has gone, but it has yet again left the building. And it again makes me wonder if I want to keep blogging. I *do* but sometimes I don’t have as much to say, and that has been happening far more than it used to. I’m boring, what can I say 😉
• I’m getting LASIK!!!! GAH!! Finally! I am a little skeered, but I know it will be SO worth it. 24 years in the making, as I was all of 10 when I got my first pair of green-rimmed, speckled, huge-a$$ glasses. And they were, h-a-w-t, HAWT. (not. clearly).
• In juuuust about a month, M and I are heading to Sonoma!! No, we aren’t doing a huge epic wine country mecca outing per our usual this year (insert sad face. but 2015 trip, THAT shall be epic, yes?). He has a conference out there to attend and I am fortunate enough to get to tag along. And since we won’t have our bigger trip there this summer, we (somewhat) last minute decided to extend our stay and are staying three more days in Healdsburg, about 45 mins from where we are staying for the conference. It is our mecca, it is where we got married, of course, and it is where our hearts lie, in so many ways. It’ll be a much-needed time for us to get away, flit about relatively unplanned, connect, and lose that burn-out feeling that life tends to hand us, especially during the brutal winter we’ve been having up in here of late!
• Speaking of winter, I am ridiculously thrilled that spring may be FINALLY making an appearance around here, and spring running (among many other things) can finally commence. I’ve tried to keep up outdoor runs at least once  a week (with Jess, when we can together!) so I don’t feel as though I am starting over from ‘mill running all winter, and that has been hugely helpful.
• I’ve been obsessed with roasting a sh*ton of veggies and feasting on them all week. And with experimenting with new flavors and textures – lentils, farro, and my latest – TOFU! Such a foodgasm of late, admittedly 😉
• I continue to work on that relaxing and letting go thing, in all areas, including mental mind games, mindfulness when it comes to eating (vs stressing over what I eat! who has time for that? it’s silliness. I remind myself constantly), and reveling in living UNplanned. I’ve found that in some cases, I need to embrace plans now, vs. trying to NOT make them. Is that ironic, or what?
• And, last but not least, yesterday marked 6 months since Nala’s passing. It was admittedly a rough day, with many more tears than I expected, starting with a #runforNala to the tune of 6 miles for 6 months. I have dreamed of her almost nightly lately, some are sad dreams, some are happy. She’s just so freshly with me and sometimes it surprises me to the point of tears. Anyway, with that in mind, I am lamenting a memorial run for the one year anniversary. 12 miles for 12 months for Nala and 1(.1!) for Kayla (who has been amazing lately, so cuddly, so loving, so NEEDED) to the tune of my ‘own‘ 13.1, the way I’ve loved to hit this number the last couple of years. Not a racer, but I do enjoy hitting that number each year at least once, just for fun 😉 More on that later. Just rambling now.

Okay, I think that’s about it, for what’s jumbled in my brain right now. Not a pretty post, not overly thoughtful or even very humorous, but it’s what I got 😉

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February 21, 2009 – 5 years later.

I just happened to look at the date and realized that today is five years since I started blogging (how fitting, on my 500th blog on this blog, my ‘newer’ blog over the past five years).

Five years since I began a journey that I had no idea where it would take me, literally, but also here, in this little space of mine.

I had no idea how many people I would connect with, how many of those people I now consider very good ‘blends,’ – from attending their wedding in Mexico, to a summer weekend ‘upta camp,’ to visits in Atlanta, Austin, Chicago, New York City, Costa Mesa, Vegas, and even right here in Boston.

I had no idea what I would discover about myself as a result of blogging, in sharing my story of divorce, discovery, renewal, and love, found, yet again.

I had no idea of the connections I would make as a result of my passion for fitness, the barre (n9ne!) running, my relationship with food and my body, and being a fitness instructor.  Again, literally, and also in processing my feelings, thoughts, emotions and milestones.

Five years. 

I continue to go back to that feeling of realizing what a difference time really makes. And what a difference your life can look like as time spans on, especially as you take that life and shape it into a life you are proud of, and a life that feels fulfilled, happy and full of joy, love, and that (sometimes elusive) feeling of balance and peace.

Looking back? My first blog post on my old blog:

There, I said it. I’m 29 and I’m getting divorced. Never thought I’d be saying it or living it, to be honest. I decided to start a blog as I go through this journey because though it has only been about three months since this all started, I’ve gone through some massive changes and I thought a blog would be a great way to share my experience with those going through it, but also because there really aren’t any blogs out there that talk about divorce and moving on in your life with a very positive vibe. I see plenty that are all about looking back and wishing life had never changed, or being bitter about being abandoned by their former spouse. And, to be honest, I thought I’d fall into that camp as well, but I haven’t. I’ve really taken this time to figure out what I want in my life and have learned so much already, I can’t imagine where life will take me!

Whoa. So weird to read those words and picture exactly where I was sitting when I wrote them.

And the last post on that blog, in part:

I’m proud of her ,and who she’s become. And while I am letting her go in favor of the me I am now, she has shaped me into who I am today. I’m damn proud. I don’t care if this post sounds a bit indulgent…I know it probably does, but after getting through the difficulties of divorce and all of the baggage that comes with it (poor finances, loss of a house, lack of confidence, sadness and loss), I’m not her anymore.

I’m me…renewed.

And I thank you all for joining me in my journey and allowing me to share in yours. Cheers, friends.

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

And that, my friends, is exactly the sentiment I stand behind day in and day out, be proud of your past, the ups and downs, the strife, the learning, and then let go of it and move on.

Live the life you were meant to lead. 

I can’t relax.

I know, I know, it’s not really a newsflash or anything.

But today, during a much needed massage (I rarely get them and when I do, I instantly wonder why I don’t more often!), I realized I cannot relax. I tense my shoulders, I close my eyes but they aren’t really that relaxed, sleepy shut, they are shut but still somewhat tense, and while I eventually relax, it’s usually near the end of the massage that I really feel like I’ve ‘succumbed’ to the massage and my body feels limp and serene.

I use that as an example, a very real one, at that, and my seeming inability to loosen up (literally and figuratively!) and let go. It is *that* ingrained in me, to be go, go, go, that really relaxing, without something on my mind, a list, a reminder to do something, clutter I want to clear off the table etc. It’s always something.

I do it with my workouts. (that is changing though, as I’ve written about here most recently and a top priority for me to revamp my mindset and stick with my ‘smarter, not harder!’ mindset and actually believe it when I do it, not do it and then harp on it for hours after, silly self guilt!).

I do it with M. Yep, I do. And I hate it. Sometimes I just want to let go more around him, let him take the lead, release more. In every way (ahem). To melt into his hugs always, and not for just a moment. Whenever I catch myself rushing through THAT, I literally want to slap myself. Who does that?

I do it with work. This has gotten better, but it still happens. I have this PR agency mentality (everything must be done…YESTERDAY. every deadline, everything, faster, faster, do it, do it) that I still haven’t shaken after three years *not* working at an agency, and I catch myself rushing through editing something, or writing something, or replying to an email. I need to relax in this way too. Take more time to think about a response. No knee jerk reaction. No let’s see how fast I can get this done and impress my boss…but at what cost? Quality? Stress? Self-imposed deadlines are my nemesis.

I need to relax. I need to keep this high on my list for 2014, the year of intention. It just must be done. Who doesn’t relax during a massage?! I mean, come on!! 😉

Boy, was that an a-ha moment today, that unfurled a slew of other ways I don’t ‘relax’ in my life. and it’s food for thought for me as we head into the first official work week of the year. Game face on…

Stealing my own joy.

Lately, I’ve struggled with the little things. The nitpicks. The stuff I can’t control. The stuff I wish I could control. The things that are simply out of my control.  And the stuff that I just need to find a way to separate myself from emotionally.

Do you ever find yourself in that boat? Letting things affect you and your mood that are either simply out of your control or, more bluntly, none of your business, in a sense, yet they still nag and nag and nag at you until poof,  joy is stolen. By you.

I’ve realized I’ve stolen my own joy lately for no other reason than letting the little things get to me.

In my ongoing journey of living ‘perfectly imperfect’ – this is one area that I just must fix. It seems to rear its ugly head when life is just chugging along, all good. Life is good, work is good, b9 is good, runs/workouts are good…it’s alllll good. And it’s like I subconsciously semi self-sabotage myself to find something to bother me. But why? What’s the sense in that?

Maybe it goes back to that feeling I’ve always had, deep down. That guilt over reaching a triumphant point in my life, a life that I built from scratch less than 5 years ago, getting through divorce, and all the financial, emotional, and yes, even physical struggles that come with it, to finding the true love of my life less than two years after my divorce, and marrying him two years later. The guilt over being happy when there are so many around me that are not, that are struggling to find their path, their love of their lives, their ‘calling’ if you will.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’ve earned this. I’ve worked for this. And yes, I deserve it too. I need to shed the guilt. And also shed the habit of finding things to be unhappy about. Finding them. Why? What is the sense in that? Honestly. Sometimes I shake my head at myself and want to slap myself.

I’ve been digging deeper, reading a lot of scripture, daily devotionals (especially the one I cherish from this beautiful soul!) and vent sessions with my sisters and with M. About my incessant need to let things bug me that honestly really should not. And it’s really helping. Sometimes I just need to process the root cause of things…the why behind the joy stealing.

And in writing this all out, it’s giving me the accountability I need to cut the shit. Get over the little stuff.  And when I saw this on instagram, it all came together. No more joy stealing. Leave it alone. Instead, focus on what makes me smile. And my friends, that is what I shall do.

Emergence.

I’ve been grappling for weeks on what to do with my blog but I’ve felt some clarity this weekend while on ‘lakation’ and as I sit here, rain pouring down, M beside me writing his novel (yes, novel…he is an amazing writer!)….I’ve started to come to a realization.

I miss writing.

And not just the puppies and rainbows writing I’ve grown accustomed to over the years, as my life has blossomed into the life I never imagined it could ever blossom into, but the life that I live – and love – now. The here and now. The imperfections. The stresses. The moments where I battle myself. But also? The moments where I experience this sense of euphoria…of where my life is now, vs. then, and no matter what, despite the imperfections, it is imperfectly perfect.

And that is real. And it’s not puppies and rainbows. And it has moments where I feel like I flail a little bit and am not sure what my next step is. With my job. With myself. With my journey.

And sometimes? It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to have a bad day. It’s okay to not strive for perfection (because perfection is overrated anyway) and aim for balance, realistic expectations and ultimately, happiness and simplicity. Not perfect. Not being everything to everyone. But making the hard decisions. Saying no. Staying true to me, beyond all else.

And I think that is relatable to many…the grapplings with what we all likely struggle with far more often than we’d like to admit. And it is something I am always exploring inwardly, how to get past my drive towards this need for perfection (or close to it) and want/need to be all to everyone, rather than really focus on what truly matters, and stop apologizing for that. Because we simply cannot be everything to everyone without something suffering (and usually that is ourselves, or our relationships, marriages, etc).

So maybe…just maybe…this is my emergence into my life as I see it now, absolutely imperfectly perfect, with a man that sits to my left, supporting me, laughing with me, but also challenging me to think differently, to not give up, to strive for more. And sometimes, to argue with, to get frustrated with and to want to shake him to get my point (even though I am sometimes wrong, as hard as it is to admit that) and realize that no matter what, we are in this forever, we are meant to be, we are attached at the heart and soul, and there’s nobody else I’d rather share this journey with than him. Forever.

So with this emergence…a new blog design, a new ‘about me’ – it may not be written as often as before, but it will shed light into the ongoing a-ha moments, the reality of life, and skip past the puppies and rainbows more often than not, because as much as I am a positive, happy person, life isn’t perfect. Nor should it be.

This is me. Learning. Embracing. Living. And once again, redefining… In the next chapter of my life…