A year later, yet so much more.

Monday marked one year since M and I secretly wed in our mecca, in Healdsburg, truly the best day of our lives, and a day where I was convinced I couldn’t love this man any more than I did at that very moment.

But a year later, I love him so much more. We’ve grown together and we’ve learned together.  It is now that I think about those around me that have been married for many years, my sister, Jess, for example, just surpassed ten years of marriage (!), my sister Jen is nearing seven years of marriage, and I can’t fathom what our love will look like a decade down the road, except that it will be beautiful. Not perfect – imperfectly perfect – but beautiful.

So, with that, here is what I have learned this year, our first year of marriage, in no particular order:

• It’s okay to fight. In fact, it’s healthy. This is something I’ve learned throughout the almost four years since M and I met, but this year, we’ve encountered a lot of new, as we transitioned into home ownership, adjoined financials, blending our families together etc. We fight wisely, and sometimes push each other to *not* close up and walk away, but settle whatever we are discussing right then and there, because later, it won’t seem as urgent, or as big, or as significant, and there is far more of a chance, we’ll just wave it off and think it’s no big deal. That’s where things fester, linger, and resentment grows.
• Let each other learn. Separately. Don’t try to do it all together, or for me, try to control things. Let life happen a little bit. For example, as a new homeowner, M is learning, and hitting roadblocks sometimes, and as much as I want to be a know-it-all and say this is how you do it, I’ve done this before (whatever it may be), he needs to learn how to himself. His way. Not my way.
• Talk more. Communicate. Sounds ‘no duh’ but sometimes, even just talking about each other’s day can lead to discovering new things about each other, things we may be worrying about, be mad at, things that are ultimately affecting our moods, and therefore, sometimes, our time together.
• Keep your own interests, share in each other’s. I think this is one of my biggest overall, and always has been. Don’t be each other’s lives, be part of it. Yes, my husband is a huge part of my life, but I don’t think we need to, or should, rely on each other 100% to BE each other’s life. Cultivate your own hobby, keep up with your friends, make new ones, even. Yet, at the same time, share in each other’s interests. M loves to garden now. I *like* it but not all the time, just when I am in the mood (haha). But sometimes, just the joy of being together in his element, watching him, makes me so happy. While other times, I’ll discover later a project he’s finished, or a new plant he’s planted and it just makes me smile. He loves through gardening sometimes, and I just love that.

I am sure there are many more, but these are just some that I wanted to capture so I wouldn’t forget.

Without a shadow of a doubt, I love this man more than I ever thought possible, and respect him even more, as a husband, a gifted nurse practitioner, a devoted son and brother, and as my best friend, the one that makes me laugh the hardest at any given moment, while in the next, makes my heart physically burst with love, with the flick of a smile, a hug, or a touch.

(yet again, I am remiss in posting for weeks at a time. perhaps this will be one of my last posts, though I of course, am still deciding. stay tuned.)

Sometimes, you just realize.

Sometimes, the seemingly smallest things stop you dead in your tracks, and make you realize what a crazy, amazing, blessed life you have.

Something as small as this – a promotion Facebook did to celebrate their sixth birthday – creating a video of your first and biggest moments on Facebook, and I sit here in a puddle of tears, in awe, over what the last six years has brought me, and conversely, what I have made of it.

…my first moments on Facebook include my beautiful Nala and Kayla, seeing Nala as the very first picture made me cry right away, I miss her so, but equally love that this was the start of my six years. Because soon after was when I began my journey, and where my kitties became my companions, my support, my laughter, when I was sad, when I was alone, when I was learning to be myself again.

…one of my more popular posts was this one, from September 2012: “I am pretty sure I am the luckiest girl alive – with M” the day after our engagement. Even in that less than two years, and less than 4 since we met and married, that statement couldn’t be more true then, or now.

…my most popular posts were our ‘surprise‘ marriage, and becoming homeowners. Both of those have me beaming with pride, love and blessings.

It’s so funny how something as ‘trivial’ as a social media gimmick to promote Facebook’s ‘birthday’ has me sitting here in stunned silence. The last six years have been nothing short of life-changing forever. From a then 28 year old married woman who knew nothing about herself, to a divorced 29 year old starting fresh and from scratch, in quite literally every way, from home, to finances, to self, to body, to love, to today, 34 years old, married to the love of my life and in what could very well be our ‘forever’ home, and I am feeling unbelievably blessed.

Sometimes it truly is just taking a step back and reminding yourself where you came from, where you are today, and where you can go from here. The possibilities are endless.

❤

Nailed it 2013 (and what to nail in 2014)

I loved this idea for a post that Christine wrote and thought I would do my own little take on it, partially as a look back at the year, but also reflecting on areas ‘to nail’ in 2014. Not so much goals, but moreso in the quest of my ‘perfectly imperfect’ journey.

What I’ve nailed in 2013?

Let’s see, I think I’ve done a pretty good job with these, but you’ll notice some of them show up in the ‘what to nail’ list below, and hey, that’s okay. Some of these are ongoing and reminders to me constantly.

1. Nixing the numbers fixation. I struggled with this a LOT in 2012 and the early part of 2013. From weight, to miles, to food, to everything. I felt compelled to quantify everything, when really, who cares? Who am I competing against but myself, and even then, why is it a competition? It’s not, so cut the sh*t and just live.
2. Learning to let go. This is a work in progress, but I do feel like I’ve made some big strides here. This really ties in to number one, above, too, because part of my numbers fixation is all about control and *not* letting go. And I am trying to apply this to all areas of my life, including my marriage, because I never want to fall into the trap of constantly nagging, complaining, nitpicking over seriously non-issues, when there is a man that loves me for me, that would do anything for me, that lets E-V-E-R-Y-thing roll off his back and yet, I sit there, uptight and nudgy half the time. That’s ridiculous and not even worth it. So I am learning. And trying to step back, breathe, and then react.
3. Balancing the ‘me’ workouts with those I teach at barre n9ne. I think every instructor or trainer must face this at one point or another, how to balance their own ‘me’ workouts with those they teach. At first, I tried to keep my usual barre/running routine *and* my classes (which could range anywhere from 6-9 classes a week), but that quickly became a ‘HARDER, not SMARTER’ routine and I was getting nowhere. So I stopped taking classes and just taught them, and ran. And that didn’t feel quite right either, because the first time I took a class in a month, I felt AMAZING after and I realized how much I missed TAKING classes, not just teaching them. So I found my balance in taking a couple of classes a week – less if I taught more, more if I taught less, as schedule allowed – and I think it has not only made me stronger and feel more fit, it has made me a better instructor. I can weave in new combinations of moves I observe other instructors do while I take their class, I realize how certain moves stacked with others tire the body (in a good way) and think about new ideas for my own class structures, and it just lets my mind roam and feel the workout in a way that I don’t feel when I am teaching, and making sure clients are in proper form etc.
4. Prioritizing.  This has been HUGE for me. I was feeling so rush-rush-rush and busy all.the.time until I started saying no. Until I started prioritizing and putting my time where it mattered most, not spread so thin that I barely enjoyed any of it. I am definitely keeping this one on the list for 2014 and beyond, because prioritizing is truly the simplest way to happiness.
5. Marrying M. I file this under ‘nailed it’ because, six months ago today, I married the man I was meant to be with, and with each day that passes, I realize more I love about M, more qualities that I adore about him, and more I want to explore and learn together in our marriage. And in the literal sense, I married M in the most perfect way for us than I could have ever imagined. Quietly. Small. In a place that we love, Healdsburg. What more could we have asked for? Bliss.

What to nail in 2014…

1. Letting go. This is one I have just started to ‘feel’ happening, the change towards letting go and not being so damn particular about things, and I am excited to see it continue to take shape in 2014. It’s been worth it to step back, to release control, especially in my marriage with M, to give that to him more, since he is so laid back and easy about life, the ‘control’ tends to shift to me, and I don’t always think that is best, because it just feeds into my type A-ness and not the good qualities of being type A. And it allows me to sit back and slow down more, when I let go, observe and BE.
2. Not taking others’ actions so personally. This one has reared its ugly head in the last oh, six months or so, and it’s driving me crazy. There are a few instances of things that have happened in my life that I took SO damn personally and stepping back, they truly had nothing to do with me, as a friend, employee, person. Yet I allowed it to attack my psyche, to bring me down, to draw out the cattiness and some resentment. And those are  ugly qualities. No more. I draw the line here.
3. Allowing imperfection (more). Dirty dishes, being late (oh this one drives me crazy, but once in awhile, is being say, 5 mins late, for example, the worst thing and reason to get all bent over? uhh no.), changing plans or course of action. Letting these things happen. Letting go, per #1 as above 😉
4. Stop the comparison trap for good. I really DID nix this one almost entirely this year – tying into the numbers fixation issue I mentioned above, but once in awhile, it still comes back. And it again brings about ugly traits, jealousy, bitterness, frustration. And I am NOT that person. So I vow to rid myself of this need to compare, compare, compare. This isn’t a competition or a race. Compare to nobody, not even yourself.
5. Slowing down. I have LOVED the slowdown challenge and getting into The In-Between, I just drink up the words and want to sear them into memory forever. There is just so much you see, learn and experience when you slow down, strip away the complications, and keep it simple. It’s truly amazing.

So, there you have it…some things I’ve nailed in 2013 and more I plan to nail in 2014, along with living with intention, of course. What I found most interesting in putting this list together, is how many of them tie together so well, and the themes that rise out of these – simplicity, balance, and embracing. I’d say that’s the only way to live, don’t you?

A fun lesson in stepping back and letting go.

Last week, I found myself going into ‘nitpicky’ mode over a few type A peeves of mine with M. Leaving his belt on the bed. Every.single.night. when he gets home from work. Leaving the little tag from his dry cleaned shirt on the floor, and his socks balled up ON THE BUREAU, to name a few (hee), and it would put me into a sour mood for a stupid reason and it would snowball a bit from there. I was mad at myself for getting irritated, as it’s not the biggest deal for *me* to just pick them up, but once in awhile, I just feel like I am constantly walking around and picking up after what hurricane M has left behind 😉

On Saturday morning, after I got home from my b9 classes, M hugged me and sighed and said “I feel like we haven’t been ourselves lately. And I want to fix that.”

And it made me realize that I was a huge part of why we weren’t ourselves last week and not entirely connected. Silly reasons. Valid frustrations, sure, but legit problems? No. Not a chance.

So, I stepped back, and I told him I was sorry for being nitpicky and grumpy and naggy all week and I wanted to make the day better, and take a fresh perspective and outlook. Just breathe, shake it off, and move forward. Because, let’s face it, I have an amazing husband (and yes, he too, has an amazing wife, just sayin. hee), we have built an amazing life together, and there is no sense nitpicking the week away.

Beyond the nitpicking, I also notice that I have been far too controlling in what we make for dinner, how we decide what to have and what we make on date nights, particularly (date night in, our specialty!). So I issued a challenge that would be far ‘harder’ for me than it would be for M.

I tasked M with making ME dinner from start to finish, and I was not allowed to meddle, to clean around him, to tell him to cook ‘neater’ (yes, yes, I do actually say that…LOL), and just roll with it. And next weekend, I would do the SAME for him. A fun challenge, if you ask me, and a way to appreciate each other. M tagged pictures on instagram as #wifeappreciation dinner and I shall do the same next weekend. As much as I thought it would be hard to be in the dark, to stay out of the kitchen, and trust that whatever he would make would not only be tasty, but would also not break the caloric bank 😉

It turned into a lesson for me of taking a step back, releasing control, and embracing M for who is he – perhaps a messy cook, but a damn good one at that, and a man that truly DOES appreciate me, that does love and support me, and that may toss his socks and belt aside, but in the grand scheme, doesn’t matter in the slightest. And it turned into one of our most connected evenings together of late, and a needed one at that.

Sometimes releasing control and stepping back is far more valuable than I ever thought it would be.

Perfectly imperfect, and always learning and embracing.

A needed #staycation

Since last Friday, October 4, M and I have been on #staycation2013 (my very first! I have never taken a week off from work and not gone anywhere!), and it couldn’t have come at a more needed or perfect time.

I was forgetting things at work. I wasn’t as sharp. I wasn’t as upbeat. I wasn’t as ‘on it’ as usual.

We were both tired, weary, mentally and physically.

With the recent passing of our beautiful Nala, we just needed a retreat. A simple one, away from the day to day, but at the same time, closeby, cultivating our connection with Nala’s sister, Kayla, with each other, and with ourselves. Just having time to think. And to not think. Time to do the things we have pushed off, the errands, the closet organizing, the dry cleaning. All the little things that just get pushed to the side. Time to also do nothing. To NOT plan. To go planless. 

I asked M to make sure I did not overplan. I started to. I really did. I had something set for every day of our staycation. But as soon as that day hit, I suddenly didn’t care what we did or when, just that we were together and that we kept it simple.

We slept in. Almost every day.

We worked out, sure, but when we wanted to. Not just to get it in or to fit it in between other things. And those workouts felt amazing. We ran 9 for our #10forNala in preparation, and it felt awesome. To feel rested, ready, and in fresh, crisp, beautiful air.

We drank wine. A lot. We made dinners that usually take more time on weeknights. We went apple picking. I baked seriously the most amazing apple pie ever (not to pat myself on the back or anything…), we watched movies, we read our books, we relaxed.

We celebrated our 34th birthdays together too, as we are three days apart, in Boston, overnight in the city, at our favorite restaurant and just soaked it all in.

And today, on the last day of our staycation (M has tomorrow off too though, stinker!), we both feel rested, relaxed, rejuviated and ready for the week ahead. Ready to dig deep and face the latest season of our lives, together. Closer than ever.

…and also ready – so ready – to run #10forNala. As of now, we plan to run it Tuesday. We thank everyone that has run, walked, yoga’d, done anything in their own way to pay tribute to our beautiful Nala.

If you ever have a chance to staycation…please do. It has been an incredible, invaluable week that I feel so fortunate to have taken, at a time when we both needed it most.