This is very difficult for me to write, but I feel I need to.
Even though what I write won’t make sense. It will seem out of character (maybe), and it will be a downer. It will also seem surface (to some) and ridiculous to others (even to me, to a certain extent).
For as much as I am happy – unbelievably so – there is one area of ‘me’ that I can’t accept right now, and it’s affecting me to my core. And I don’t know how to fix it or what to fix, quite frankly.
I have a terrible body image. Worse than just a ‘fat day’ or feeling like I overdid it at a party or something. I feel as though I look worse now than I ever have, that I’ve gained pounds and pounds. That my muscle has diminished and my abs are looking worse, not better, from Core Fusion. I feel like I am not good at anything, just ‘meh’ at a lot of things…endurance, running, weights, Core Fusion. I don’t feel like I am good at any of that right now, I just feel spread thin physically and without my much-needed workout routine that I am used to.
And it is painful because I know part of my problem is me. It’s mental. It’s not accurate. It’s almost body dismorphic. I’m not perfect, but I know I am not fat, either. I know I have muscle, and can get back into the running shape I want to, in order to run that half marathon I keep talking about. Writing this, I have a lump in my throat (I’ve already cried today once), because I am ashamed of how I feel, of how I am lacking confidence when I know I should have plenty. Because M tells me, because my sisters tell me, because my friends tell me…that I look good, that I don’t need to feel this way.
But truth is, I need to believe it.
And I don’t know why I don’t. I don’t know how to get past it. And the more I write this, the more ridiculous I feel for even feeling this way. For how I am coming across, for how surface-level I must appear at this very moment. But this is my blog and my haven for sorting through what I am feeling.
I feel fraudulent.
Because I talk the talk, but I can’t walk the walk. Because I read this post from Tina and I nod my head, and I see how I am doing the polar opposite of this…and need to just stop. And see the perspective I know I have, buried deep in my brain. How do I make it come out? How do I stop tearing myself down needlessly?
I had a drag out yelling and crying match with my sister about it on the way home from a killer Core Fusion class (see the ironic nature of having this conversation after a drenching class like that, alone?!). She doesn’t get it. She struggles with trying to help me through it. She worries that I am my own worst enemy. But she’s trying to help, and I need her to be my ‘checks and balances’ right now, since I clearly can’t be my own. So, thank you sis, I need that right now. And I know you are just trying to help.
I am my own worst enemy.
Yet, I can’t get past it.
And I don’t know why.
It’s completely, 100% me. And it’s an innacurate perception of who I am. Because I know I am capable of fixing whatever problem areas I am obsessing over, it’s not the end of the world, it’s not as though I am truly overweight. And even if I was? So what? I could work on fixing that.
So why can’t I shake it? Why do I feel like I am not good enough, physically? Why do I think about what my body looks like naked, feeling self conscious? And worrying about what it will look like in Jamaica, in a bathing suit, or in a dress, or a skirt, or shorts?
I don’t know the answers. And honestly, I am afraid of your responses because I completely see how terribly this probably comes across to some of you. Please be easy on me…I don’t know how to fix it, other than to just take a step back, breathe, and start fresh tomorrow. Realize that I got this, that I am motivated, that I need to love me as much as those around me do. Stop being my own worst enemy and see all the good in me, not the minutae of the bad.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Today is one of those days.