Confessions: a perfectly-imperfect riff.

Recently, Christine (who I adore and am so glad I just met!!) wrote a fun post called ‘confessions‘ and I loved it and thought it would make for a great post myself. So, here goes, my riff on ‘confessions’ – perfectly-imperfect.

1. For as much as I preach on about numbers not mattering and it’s all in how you feel, I confess that sometimes they do ‘count,’ especially when you see the number (on the scale, accidentally!) and are floored by how…good it is. And how proud you feel. And how much you want to hate how proud you felt at JUST A NUMBER. But float on cloud 9 all day as a result.
2. …but that same number can still turn me into a tailspin of ‘what if’s’ – what if it wasn’t right, what if she read it wrong, what if, what if, what if. there I go, stealing my own joy again.
3. As often as I crave veggies galore (and kabocha, specifically), I probably crave chocolate – and wine – equally as much, if not more.
4. For as much as I love running, I hate running. Just a titch. (but I really do love it. No, really. LOL)
5. I can’t go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink. Or anywhere, for that matter. Yet, I *can* leave a dishwasher full of clean dishes for 24 hours and wash every dish by hand because I hate emptying the dishwasher and was waiting for M to do it 😉
6. As much as I love social media, I kinda hate it too. Is that weird? I’m rarely on Twitter (getting back to it a little bit), but am all over instagram and snapchat, like whoa.
7. As hard as I’m working at squashing the comparison-itis bug, I still do it. More often than I’d like to admit, but I have gotten better, much better.
8. I think I run faster than I did last winter, outside. I have no gauge to that, however, except how I feel, since I don’t, never have, and never will, run with a Garmin (see #1. numbers!).
9. I am a terrible bullshit artist. If I am caught on a call with a question and it was that very moment I decided to zone out into Facebook-land, thinking my ‘part’ of the call was done, bam, question for moi. I don’t try to fake a real reason, because that’s far more obvious than owning up. Yes?
10. I have zero attention span these days when it comes to TV. Unless it is Chopped or some other Food Network show, I can’t be bothered. I’d rather just sit on the couch, next to M, and zone out to whatever he’s watching. I used to be a DvR QUEEN and watch tons of shows. Now? notsomuch. Does that make me old? or weird? or both?
11. bonus confession – for as much as I *think* I’m doing awesome in the ‘letting go’ and giving up control thing, I seriously suck at it. I can do it for, say, a day, but then I’m back to my type A, uber particular ways. Gosh, this is a hard one to break.

So, there ya have it, my perfectly-imperfect confessions. Care to share any? 😉

 

On beauty and self image.

While it is far beyond National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (March 1), I tucked away an idea for a post after reading a few beautiful posts (Lindsay and Christine both struck me in particular, and Tina too!) on letters to your body and what makes you beautiful *beyond* what’s on the outside.

Well, I’d like to do a twist on this, because while I have never had an eating disorder (fortunate/blessed not to), I have had a long history struggling with body and self image. While the past two years in particular, have been a huge journey in counteracting that, physically and mentally, I find myself sliding into days or even chronic days of picking myself apart. And I am honestly ashamed of it, and even worse, of admitting it, to myself, and to you all here.

Because so much of it is baseless. Because so much of it is ‘in my head.’ Because so much of it is pointless.

It’s sort of like worrying…it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere. 

What finally got me? This video. This video from Dove is absolutely stunning. It brought me to tears. And it made me realize that we certainly see ourselves vastly differently than anyone else does. The beautiful words people in this video chose to use to describe the person being drawn. And the expression on that person’s face, the more she heard those words being said about them. Happiness. Emotion. And finally? Realization that they had been describing themselves with negative words, not positive attributes.

 

It’s what I have caught myself doing more than I’d like. And I need to get back to seeing myself the way others do. And valuing myself for who I am – determined, strong, happy, funny.

I need to appreciate myself for who I am, and not who I am not, and love me for me, flaws and all. Because the flaws I see? I can guarantee only I see.

I am beautiful. And I won’t apologize to myself for saying that even though it makes me uncomfortable (and goes back to compliments and being my own best friend). And I will believe it. In every way, not every waybutwithcaveats (I am strong. *Not* I am strong…but she is ripped!)

Self – it is time to cut the sh*t. You. Are. Beautiful. Inside. Outside. Embrace you for all that you are…..for ALL that you ARE.

 

Progress…(somewhat) under wraps.

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words, well wishes, and support for us as we launch into our first home together! It truly means so much to have so many, near and far, care, send support, and pray for us. More than words can say.

(and reading, and rereading all of your comments just makes this feel so much more real, I can’t even stand it! wheeeeeee!!)

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I feel as though – again – I’m silently moving ahead with our plans, to live, to marry, to be and I am not quite sharing it all here. Yes, it is purposeful. Yes, it is with some sense of intent. And yes, it is worth doing this the way we want to do it, and moreso, for ME to do it this way. M knows about my blog, of course (though he used to not, as some of you know!), and supports whatever I decide, in terms of how disclosive I am here, and in ‘real life’ with regard to…well, us.

But at the same time, I *miss* sharing some of this excitement and progress here. And I plan to post more on these things, but probably more so after they have happened, similar to discussing our house plans. Partially out of fear of the proverbial ‘jinx’ and partially because privacy is often underrated, I think. And I need to respect that  – for me, and us – more now than I ever have before.

…just know that good things are in store. Big things. Fabulous things. Uniting things. Soon. Relatively soon. And it’s so damn awesome, I can hardly contain myself. Clearly.

Progress…under wraps.

*file under: being secretive* <–though it is so damn hard!!

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In other not-so-secretive progress ‘news’ – it’s amazing how each day, I feel more and more in tune with my body. More ‘in love’ with me, versus writhing against who I am, my body, my habits. I feel like I own them more, I am confident behind them, and don’t need as many crutches as I have in the past.

I own my eating habits. I know my body. I know what fuels it. I know what it likes. I know how to keep it balanced. And that has taken so long to get a handle on…but it’s been so worth it!

I continue to focus on balancing the ‘smarter, not harder’ mantra, especially when I want to tiptoe over that line because I love what I do so much. I love to teach, yet I love to take classes, yet I love to run. But I can’t do it all, every single day. I need to choose, be selective, yet still get my ‘me’ workouts in where I can and where makes the most sense. Some days are harder than others to realize this, but then I go back to two things: be smart. And embrace the ability.

And, I continue to focus on being my own best friend, loving myself for what it can do, not for what (I perceive it to) not be able to do or look like. Nobody is perfect, so why not strive for excellence, balance, and happiness, instead? Life is too short for perfection, IMHO 😉

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So…life progresses. In so many good ways. And also in some upcoming challenging ways. But I feel ready. Far more ready than I ever have. And that is worth rejoicing, and embracing, isn’t it? 

On unexpected realizations.

My brain has been a weird thing lately (okay, it usually is, but even more so lately, if that’s even possible). Go with me on this one, ok?

I’ve realized some things that I guess I never thought I’d actually hear myself saying (or thinking).

Like…wanting a wedding. Not a big one. Not at all. A small, intimate, private thing that ultimately screams ‘us’ over and over.

Like…wanting to talk about M again on here. On this very blog that I recently declared I wouldn’t. I’ve been battling myself over what I want to share here and what I’d like to keep to myself or share *off* the Internet. So, you may see me contradict myself a fair bit here. I may talk about him, us, plans, in bits and pieces. And then I might not. I hope you’ll understand. I’m trying to toe the line between privacy, exploring my thoughts and chronicling the happiest time in my life. A tough feat, no?

Like…wanting to say no more. To simplify. To cut away the excess. I continue to struggle with this. And I realize that what I am truly struggling with is lack.of.time. And the inability to spend time with the ones I care most about. Even my sisters. So I am putting a moratorium on plans. On making plans for any weekend that isn’t *already* planned. To practice what I preach.

Like…realizing that I think I am finally FINALLY at a point in my body image journey that I am in my happy place. I’m not struggling with self esteem, I am not trying to be perfect, I am not fixated on the scale or numbers of any kind, I am continually at peace with food, and I’m just feeling…really good. And realizing that may be one of the biggest unexpected realizations of late. Who knew it could be this way? I certainly didn’t. And yes, it’s taken almost a year and a half of practicing mindfulness and getting to my happy place, but it’s been well worth it.

And finally…like realizing taking a step back and refocusing on every aspect of my life *here* and “live” is bringing me one step closer to simplicity and ultimately, that happy medium balance I crave. 

So, friends, a little of this, and a little of that going on in my brain. I guess I don’t know what my point here is, but I was compelled to write today, and haven’t been lately. And this is what’s on my mind. Unexpected thoughts of the simple variety.

I’ll leave you with this, the absolute ultimate in ‘striking truths’ – what better reason is there to simplify your life than this?

Every single time.

Every single time I walk out of barre n9ne, I feel like I am finally starting to hit a good stride as an instructor. That I AM an instructor.

It’s been a little almost six months (!) since getting certified, and while there is a LOT more to learn, refine and develop…I just love teaching. Every single time.

Every single time, I feel that rush of adrenaline and excitement. I feel awake, alive, and refreshed (even if I may be crawling out of bed at 5:09 am – yes :09 to be exact – and wondering how on earth I’m going to be AWAKE enough to motivate, instruct and push!).

 

When I have a conversation with a 60-day challenger and see their elation over how well this program just works and how fit they are becoming and how motivated they are…it makes me proud. It keeps me motivated myself. Every single time.

And every single time, when I hear a groan, gasp or see someone shut their eyes and push through the burn, I smile. And then I push them more. 

When I look around, at my life, at my (busy) schedule, at my body, at my eats, at everything, it all comes back to barre n9ne and this lifestyle I’ve built for myself. I smile again. Every single time.

And every single time I have the opportunity, I pay it forward, my way of giving thanks, of spreading this passion, this life, this happiness. Because it truly is the balanced life I have looked for, strived for, yet never achieved the way I wanted. Until now. 

“Follow what makes you naturally curious…it will lead you to your passion and purpose.”

Expect many more pictures like this…fair-warning 😉