On my drive to the airport this morning (now almost seeming to feel like yesterday! long day!), I got the overwhelming fear of ‘too good.’ Of my life, at this very moment (despite my sadness at saying goodbye to M at the airport), that it feels too good. For too long. And something is bound to give.
The other shoe to drop.
The fear of ‘too good.’
I silently prayed. For safety. For M, my family…me. And for faith. To *not* fear the worst and instead, go forward thinking the best. But sometimes, it’s hard to wrap my head around ‘the best’ because I feel like my life is the best. Yes, I worked for it. Damn hard. Yes, I fought for it. Damn hard. And yes, I deserve it. Damn straight I do. But sometimes, I fear that I don’t deserve it. That something is bound to happen. That I am ‘due’ for a lesson. A tough road. A path I may not want to walk down.
Maybe it’s the fear of complacency. That fear is deep within because I became so complacent with my life, for almost a decade before I was slapped upside the head with reality .Divorce. Starting from scratch. Losing what I thought was the best life then. And little did I know all that would unfold in front of me that would blow that life out of the water.
So why do I fear it still? Is it natural? Maybe. Is it lack of faith in God, in myself, in my life? Maybe…just a little bit. And I hate to admit that, because it screams failure, weakness and lacking in faith, to its very core.
But maybe that fear is what keeps me in check. Maybe I needed to fear the worst, to worry that things were tipping towards ‘too good’ and it would now swing back. Maybe if I didn’t feel fear of the ‘other shoe to drop’ – it would drop. Because of complacency.
Or maybe, it’s a combination of complacency and checks and balances all wrapped together. A reminder to always show gratitude, feel gratitude and say words of gratitude, too. Say I love you. More. Often. Show love, and not just take it in. And pay it forward. Go beyond words, and into action. Do more, kick complacency and challenge the premise of ‘too good’ – because as good as life is, there is always more to do, to keep it good, to make it better, to strengthen.
I’m sure I’m rambling. And it may not make a lot of sense. But writing it out, I feel better. Grateful. And faithful.
Maybe sometimes pushing away complacency and fears is by simply believing.