On being content.

This post was really hard to write. I almost didn’t post it. But I think it’s important to process feelings, and also just be real and transparent, so this is me, doing just that. 

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It is no secret that I struggle with letting go, (under) rather than OVER thinking and just being. It’s been my goal to ‘just be’ and live my life that way, yet, lately, I have had the hardest time in a very long time being content. And I am ashamed to even admit that. Especially because that inability to be content? It’s focused squarely on me. Solely.

I feel as though I have slid back into years-since-gone mental mind games. I can’t be content with me, because I won’t let myself. And I am so mad at myself for even going there and not being my own best friend.  When I help my friends, clients, my sisters, even, when they are having a bad day, pull themselves out of a mental rat hole, and treat themselves as a friend, not an enemy, yet I can’t seem to do it for myself.

And then I read my beautiful blend Sarena’s post on contentment and I feel utterly humbled. Her words snapped me back into reality with a b*tchslap of perspective I needed more than I thought I did.  I need to harness her words – appreciate the here and now and stop reaching so hard. WHY AM I REACHING?! I have a life I adore, yet I find the one thing that may always be (in a good way) a work in progress and fixate on it to the point of negativity. Why do I feel compelled to always be reaching, changing, doing? Reach, reach, reach.

Why can’t I just BE. Be normal. Be myself. Be free. Without second guessing. Without worrying. Without being in controlallthedamntime.

So, here I write, marking my words, I am done with this. It is not worth it. No more of the mental mind games and the guilt prison, and instead, I will embrace who I am now, not who I wish I was, or what I wish I looked like, or what I want to do more of…the here and now. ME. I worked hard become a me I am proud of, and there is no reason to tear down years of hard work and growth over mind games.

 

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Two years ago, I taught my first barre (n9ne) class.

…and it was the best decision – and opportunity – I ever made (and had).

Every single class, every single day, I love what I do.

It brings me joy every single time, and there is no better feeling than to pay it forward in the form of helping women get into the best shape of their lives.

It gives me gratitude to put together a class that challenges, that inspires, that motivates.

And equally, when I have the chance to step into a class as a client myself, and get my own ‘me’ hour to focus, work, and sweat.

It touches me when a client looks for advice, suggestions, encouragement and asks me. To this day, I am always honored to help, to advise, to inspire and motivate.

And it keeps me on my toes – no pun intended, seriously hehe – to continue on my own journey, in maintaining this fit life, this balanced life, this happy life that I lead. It’s not a diet, it never has been, and never will. I have reached that happy place with food and my body, and you can’t quantify how good that feels.

It feels like I was meant to do this. Because I was. And I am. And I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store.  Thank you Tanya for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime, and to the barre n9ne community, for being you, for your inspiration, loyalty and committment. I say it all the time, but there truly is no community like the barre n9ne community. You can’t make this happen, it’s created.

(in other news, I have a scary amount of selfies, but it was way too fun putting together this flipagram!)

The MFEO Chronicles: Jess & Scott

I am so excited to start sharing some of my guest posts for the MFEO Chronicles. I purposely left the definition of the MFEO Chronicles vague, as I wanted those that I asked to submit, to share their story, whatever that may mean, and define what MFEO means to them, and their partnership. I present to you my first entry, from my sister Jess, on her decade-strong marriage (coming right up in June). Without a doubt, their marriage is one I have respected and admired for many years, and they inspire me, as M and I just begin our journey in marriage (7 months!), and partnership (3+ years).

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Made for each other.

I am 100% certain that Scott was put on this earth for me. I say this with such confidence because just weeks into our relationship, we gave our hearts to each other. As literally as we possibly could. I distinctly remember the night that we talked about the love that was blooming between us. I told him I’d always take care of his heart, if he promised to take care of mine. I held my hand over his heart and said “this is my heart, please keep it safe” as I pat his chest, feeling it rise and fall beneath my palm. He promised…well, he pinky swore (a promise we take very seriously), that he always would.

And ever since that day, I’ve trusted him with my heart without a shadow of a doubt.  And he’s done the very same. To me? This isn’t something to take lightly or to just assume is present in every relationship: that unrelenting trust and faith that your heart, your most precious possession will be forever safe, forever loved, forever cherished.

But I’ve never ever doubted that with us. Since that day, with my hand pressed against his chest, I’ve trusted Scott with all that I have and all that I am.

As I talked to Scott about the MFEO Chronicles the other day, I described it to him as a blog post talking about why he’s my other half. To which he responded: but you’re not my other half, you’re my three-quarters. Without you, I’m only a quarter of me. Not a half. A quarter.

…and he’s right. He’s my three-quarters. I adore him, I cherish him, I love him so fully, so passionately, so endlessly. It sometimes scares me how much. That is, until I remember that thing called faith, and that fear subsides.

So to me, being made for each other isn’t just about being compatible, or learning how to make each other laugh, it’s about trust, adoration, respect and total and utter commitment – to each other, to ourselves, to the relationship, to the marriage. We’re not afraid to put our relationship first when it’s needed. Or to step aside to let each other chase a dream, it might be me chasing a dream one moment, and Scott chasing a dream the next.  Ultimately, we’ve learned how to give 100% to our relationship without losing ourselves in the process. It was even in our vows – to support each other’s hopes and dreams, never losing sight of “Scott” or “Jess” along the way.

It’s funny, I actually struggled to write this post for my sister at first. I think, after almost 10 years of marriage and 14 years together, it’s pretty impossible to remember what life was like without Scott in my life, and in my heart. And maybe that’s why this MFEO Chronicle is so simple: Scott and I are made for each other. It’s as simple as that. And I feel very blessed to have found such an enduring faith-filled and faithful lover, best friend, and companion for life. He is my three-quarters. ❤

Introducing…the MFEO chronicles.

I’ve recently been admiring those around me, near and afar, and the marriages, partnerships, and teams (of two!) they’ve created, and, in parallel, my marriage to M, and the partnership we are creating.

And there spawned my idea.

The MFEO chronicles. (MFEO = made for each other)

I plan to chronicle some stories from some of those I admire in this community (and outside of it, too) and what makes them MFEO. From the good, *and* the not so perfect.

Because, this is, after all, the perfectly imperfect me, right? And what better way to remind myself and you, that to be ‘made for each other’ doesn’t mean perfect. This also holds true for life, generally, and our individual selves. It’s not about perfection. It’s about striking that ‘just right’ balance that makes us who we are, and who we are together so natural and right.

With M, I know we are MFEO because…

…he can make me laugh like no other. It could be the crassest joke, to the simplest – yet funniest – word choice, but I just laugh – like, really really laugh – when I am with him hysterically, all the time. Daily, even. We ‘get’ each others’ humor eerily well, and even when *my *particular jokes don’t go over as successfully as his, he still laughs, or at least amuses himself that I am cracking myself up 😉

…I trust him with all of my heart. And he trust me equally as much. Trust was something I realized I didn’t know how or when to trust, when I started dating after divorce. How long does it take to trust someone’s words at face value? After being with someone for 10 years, that trust is second nature, and you don’t really realize *when* the trust began, so when you start from scratch, when to trust becomes a scary, scary thing. I started out trusting immediately, and got burned, immediately, and once I met M, I wanted to trust so much, but was afraid to. But I soon realized then, and even more now, that he is, of just about anyone in my life, the most trustworthy – and respectful – man I have ever met.

…we can argue, and be frustrated, and get mad at each other. And it’s still okay. In fact, it brings us closer. It could be a simple misunderstanding blown out of proportion (guilty as charged, more often than I’d like), or it could actually be a longer standing issue that takes awhile to get through, that takes many reminders and conversations and frustration. But working through that, and really talking about it, even when it gets uncomfortable, is what makes us better individually, and together.

…we respect each other’s strengths and lift up each other’s weaknesses. We are a team. Isn’t that truly what a partnership is all about? He’s chill. I’m…type A, more rigid (than I’d like to be…working on it!). He calms me. I add structure (where needed) and GSD (get sh*t done) when sometimes he may be procrastinating. We motivate each other,  we keep each other going, and we make goals together *and* achieve them.

It’s been a little less than 3.5 years since we met, and 8 months of marriage, yet I know our foundation is strong, we are strong together, and strong as individuals, and I cannot wait to see what our ‘MFEO’ years look like 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now. And I can’t wait to share stories from those that HAVE been together for this many years, to explore their stories, and embrace the lessons they’ve learned.

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Cheers, friends.

On beauty and self image.

While it is far beyond National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (March 1), I tucked away an idea for a post after reading a few beautiful posts (Lindsay and Christine both struck me in particular, and Tina too!) on letters to your body and what makes you beautiful *beyond* what’s on the outside.

Well, I’d like to do a twist on this, because while I have never had an eating disorder (fortunate/blessed not to), I have had a long history struggling with body and self image. While the past two years in particular, have been a huge journey in counteracting that, physically and mentally, I find myself sliding into days or even chronic days of picking myself apart. And I am honestly ashamed of it, and even worse, of admitting it, to myself, and to you all here.

Because so much of it is baseless. Because so much of it is ‘in my head.’ Because so much of it is pointless.

It’s sort of like worrying…it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere. 

What finally got me? This video. This video from Dove is absolutely stunning. It brought me to tears. And it made me realize that we certainly see ourselves vastly differently than anyone else does. The beautiful words people in this video chose to use to describe the person being drawn. And the expression on that person’s face, the more she heard those words being said about them. Happiness. Emotion. And finally? Realization that they had been describing themselves with negative words, not positive attributes.

 

It’s what I have caught myself doing more than I’d like. And I need to get back to seeing myself the way others do. And valuing myself for who I am – determined, strong, happy, funny.

I need to appreciate myself for who I am, and not who I am not, and love me for me, flaws and all. Because the flaws I see? I can guarantee only I see.

I am beautiful. And I won’t apologize to myself for saying that even though it makes me uncomfortable (and goes back to compliments and being my own best friend). And I will believe it. In every way, not every waybutwithcaveats (I am strong. *Not* I am strong…but she is ripped!)

Self – it is time to cut the sh*t. You. Are. Beautiful. Inside. Outside. Embrace you for all that you are…..for ALL that you ARE.