“But why?”

First,thank you all for your kind words, suggestions and support on my post yesterday. It was a tough one to write and to admit, but I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders just by getting it out there. I really needed to blog it out to sort out what is going on in my mind right now.

Doing a similar post-mortem on yesterday and what I need to do next will help me move forward, change my mindset, and in some ways, come to terms with what I am feeling vs. who I am.

I need to question myself (as T suggested) to get to the root cause of my behavior and why I am feeling this way. I’ve tried this in my mind a few times today (asking myself ‘but why…do you feel this way? but why do you think you need to look like a certain image in your mind etc) and am not coming to much yet, definitively, but one thing is for sure: when a lot of my life feels out of control (new, lack of routine etc), my body is the one thing I have the power to control. And I think that’s lending to some of this anxiety and negative self-image.

I need to accept myself. For who I am. For what I will never be (a size 2…for starters!), and in realizing that perfection is not an option and we are all flawed.

I need to see myself for all that I am, not for all that I am not. And quit comparing myself to others. That’s hugely detrimental. I know this. It’s a bad habit I’ve had for a long time. But it certainly isn’t helping me.

I need to believe in myself, and have faith in myself. In every area but what my body looks like, I have these things. Why does it seem so hard to believe in myself physically? This one is huge for me.

And as Fred DeVito said in tonight’s Core Fusion class (my sister and I blogging that out as we speak…an amazing experience, words can’t even express!), I need to not think, just do.

Driving home from that class tonight, I felt centered, calm and balanced. That feeling I absolutely love. And I felt ready to pick myself up and go forward, not backward, and see myself as I am seen from the outside. I heard Pink’s F*ckin Perfect on my drive home…and some of those lyrics spoke to me. I don’t have to be perfect. Nobody does.

Just be me.

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29 thoughts on ““But why?”

  1. YES! Stop thinking. Just do. Just believe in yourself. For the amazing, smart, beautiful, strong, sensitive, loving, funny, AWESOME person you are. And the best sister I could ever ask for. For the record. So please, stop. Just be. xoxo

    1. aww…thanks sis. you and Jen are the bestest sisters ever. Never want to fathom ever having to do anything without you guys! Such a foundation. And I promise to stop thinking. As much as I can.

  2. Ya know, my man and I often say to each other, “I wish I could see me the way you do.”

    Have you ever thought to try that? Look at how others see you. Write it on your mirror! THAT is our perception of you. THAT is what we see, what we love.

    Get past those fears. Find that core belief. Again go to the root of it. Ask for guidance from God. Ask for clarity.

    Then think about it: would you rather look back and say, “I fully appreciated how I looked” or look back and say, “I hated the way I looked then and I have no idea why.”?

    I understand the control thing. You also have to ALLOW. Allow your body to give you all it has and give gratitude to it, just as you would a friend. Every cell in your body is your friend. Be kind to those cells and they will be kind to you.

    ((hugs))

    1. Thanks T, your words are full of wisdom and I totally agree…I do NOT want to trudge through life nitpicking myself and look back and a) wonder WTF I was doing and b) not appreciate my body for what it is. Strong, healthy, happily imperfect. My body IS my friend and I am treating it as if it were my enemy. Not good at all!

  3. Glad you had a better day today and that song really is powerful isn’t it. I don’t think we should necessarily control the body but more mind the body, feed it well, rest it, make sure it laughs, has lots of experiences, compliment it and thank it for enabling us to get around every day. It really is a gift.

    1. Yes, the mind is a powerful thing, and controlling it in the right way is sometimes much harder than controlling it in the worst ways (which I apparently have no trouble doing!). I need to do more complimenting, less tearing apart.

  4. I love me some Pink. And I wish we could have talked longer. There was just too much going on around the house last night for me to concentrate. It’s always like that the first night the kids get back from their dad’s.

    Thank you for always being there and understanding. I’m beginning to think that we need to ourselves the way others see us. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Was so glad to catch up, even briefly. I hope things are only on the upswing for you and I agree we need to see ourselves as others see us. Absolutely. XO.

  5. It’s clear you’re already feeling better. Sometimes it helps to just write it all out. All these bad thoughts do no good bouncing around in our heads. It’s almost as if you can let some of them go once you’ve written them out… At least that’s how I feel after this morning’s post!

    You deserve to be happy and feel as awesome as the rest of us think you are! ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Glad your post made you feel better too! It’s true, I do feel better, in part for writing it out, in part for everyone’s feedback and suggestions, and honestly, because I’ve gotten some good workouts in so far this week. All together, it helps me feel back on track. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Those are great lyrics! Glad you linked to that song, it was uplifting to listen to. As for being kinder to oneself especially in terms of body image, I recently became hooked on yoga. Before I thought it was boring and stupid, but now just bending and stretching and breathing inside my own head, not competing with anyone, its made me more thankful for everything my body does every day for me just walking around, sitting, working out everything. No matter what it looks like, it does so much for me. Being grateful for that has made me more forgiving of the superficial stuff. Cheers, T.

    1. Body boring and stupid…LOL! But yes, true. Until you really listen to your body and value it, it doesn’t feel special or valuable. I need to see that in myself, more than beating it up.

  7. Just reading both of these…

    Girl, you are not alone. I seem to be reading a lot of things, and received an e-mail recently, along the lines of self-image. Not the negative thoughts, but being aware of the negative thoughts, knowing something needs to change, and getting stuck there.

    Changing your attitude is tough. There are no magic words – until you stumble on them. Yes, just BE – just DO. These are good places to start.

    Finally, I think in general body image is so hard for us girls. We’re told constantly what “perfect” looks like – be that waif-thin, porn-star boobs, or voluptuous rear end. But when do we pay attention to the people that know and love us? When do we actually look at what real people find sexy and amazing? Why do we define ourselves by our outward image?

    Why is it so hard to change our own minds?

  8. Isn’t it amazing how you can find clarity in a good workout, and perspective from amazing bloggy friends? And yes, that Pink song is definitely a lifesaver!

  9. Pink has always been one of my favourite artists because I find her so empowering. Some may not, but I find I relate to pretty much all of her songs on some level and I especially like this one lately!

  10. We all feel that way at times. And, you’ve had a lot of changes in a short amount of time. (Even though all the changes have been good, they’re still changes to your routine.) All we can do is try to be the best that we can be. You’re doing that. Remember this post and your own words of wisdom to yourself on the days that you need those reminders! xoxo

    1. Thank you City Girl, you are right. These are the reminders I need when I have one of those days…I guess we all have them sometimes.

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