News flash: I’m a work in progress.
Okay, so maybe it isn’t quite so much of a news flash, as I truly believe we are always (or should be striving for) a work in progress. We should avoid becoming stagnant, or complacent. But what I mean by feeling my work-in-progress status so much right now is in part the Barre N9ne Challenge, of course, but also mentally.
My need for balance and to an extent, control, and struggles with change. I think I am getting the latter two under control, and most likely because I am adjusting to my job more and more and the change doesn’t feel quite so jarring as it has felt the last few months. As for needing control and balance…well, I think those areas will always be areas where I need to work on allowing. Allowing my own feelings, allowing others feelings and needs, and allowing the premise of imperfection.
Imperfection in myself, namely.
This goes back to my self-image issues, something that I am faced with as my sister and I embark on this 60-day challenge, something that I wish I could run and hide from, but I can’t. I need to face them, realize that a large part of my body issues are extremely mental, and the other part are well, extremely real. I do struggle with balance in terms of my diet. I am much stricter with myself during the week and let myself slide back a little too much on weekends. For the most part, that’s normal, but for me, it’s obviously starting to affect my body.
I realized this yesterday when we were measured for our before/after stats. I kidded myself that seeing my sisters numbers compared to mine wouldn’t bother me. Probably because I thought they’d be the exact same, since we wear the same size in pants, shirts, dresses and even shoes. (makes for a great double wardrobe, though, I must say!) But her numbers were a little better than mine. And as much as I tried to shove down the body failure/fat talk, it was too late. It was written all over my face. Jess could sense it. I hated that I could see it in the mirror in my eyes. It shouldn’t matter that we’re slightly different measurement-wise. What matters is that I immediately slid into comparison/body hatred mode. And it’s unhealthy. It makes me want to cry and scream and yell at myself for feeling the way I do.
…but I’m a work in progress.
And I’m trying. SO hard. I know this next 60 days will be not only physically altering, it will be almost moreso mentally. I hope to come out the other side much more healthy mentally (in addition to physically, of course!) because feeling this way, the way I feel now, isn’t the way I want to feel. I don’t want to fixate. I don’t want it to drag me down. Because in the grand scheme of things? Life is pretty damn good. It could be so much worse. SO much worse. I’m blessed with so much, the way I perceive how I look should not drag me down. Absolutely should not be as much a priority in my brain as it is right now.
…I need to tell myself to ‘bear with me’ as I battle myself through this and come out stronger on the other side. It’s going to be worth it.