I wasn’t so damn sensitive.
I was in tears at least twice today. Because I’m sick of being compared to my boss. Because I am sick of being talked down to (in some cases) and feeling as all that I am doing is just not good enough. Because I am sick of asking questions and feeling short-temperedness on the other end.
It’s awfully disheartening and demotivating to feel so slighted. I feel, for the first time, uninspired.
I hate this feeling. Absolutely hate it. It makes me feel weak and lacking confidence and angry and sad all wrapped up together.
Yet, I know they miss my boss for who she is, not necessarily because I’m doing a shitty job.
But it sure makes me feel like I’m doing a shitty job.
It feels thankless right now, and I probably should expect that it will for the next month or so until she returns. And yeah, I will address it with my interim boss at some point, but given I now won’t see him face-to-face for another two weeks, it just doesn’t feel like the time to just throw that into one of my hurried phone calls where I try to get all the answers I need as fast as I can because he’s that busy.
I just wish I was seen for all that I am and not all that I’m not.
I wish I could see past the comments and the slights, whether they are intentional or not.
I wish I could cement that game face on and never take it off.
But I’m me, and that means I AM sensitive and my confidence does wobble when I’m questioned.
I’m human. I have my weak spots, more than I’d care to admit sometimes. I can’t ignore it.
But that’s me, so I’m feeling the need to go with a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude and kareen through these comments utnil they DO see me for all that I am instead of all (or who) I am not.
Because I am capable, I am smart, and I do have things under control. It may not be the way it’s been done before but dammit, it’s the way I’m doing it.
I’m going to have to call it the F*ck it mentality.
(now if only I could live these words instead of just writing them down)
What else do I wish?
That I didn’t still struggle with body image issues.
I had another of those days today too (what a great combination, right?)
Maybe I need to stop reading the bevy of fitness and healthy eating blogs that I read for awhile. I love them, I love all of my bloggy friends from that ‘world’ (my ever-growing blogroll is half-filled with these wonderful reads), but sometimes I get jealous when I read them. I hate to even say that, but I do.
I start comparing myself. Wishing I was half-marathon capable again (let alone full marathon capable).
Wishing I was stricter in my eating habits. I eat mostly ‘clean’ but do enjoy wine on weekends and the occasional cracker, cookie, or other processed food. (that makes me human, right?). But then I start to think, maybe if I ate uber clean, I would love my body more (or would I?)
Maybe I just need to stop focusing on what I don’t have and focus on what I do have.
Strong legs, getting-there abs and arms, and the ability to work out often. (I shouldn’t take it for granted).
It’s a constant internal battle that I need to find a way to quiet. Find a way to embrace and love, not tear myself down.
But I suppose that’s a story for another blog post.
At the end of the day, though?
It’s *just a job*
I’ll get over it. I’ll move past it. Eventually.
My body isn’t nearly as bad as I envision in my mind.
It’s fixable. I’m focusing on it.
And ultimately? Life is pretty damn good irregardless. Love, happiness, family, health.
Isn’ t that what really matters?
Sometimes I wish…my pep talks would ‘stick’ more. Maybe this one will.