Sometimes, I wish…

I wasn’t so damn sensitive.

I was in tears at least twice today. Because I’m sick of being compared to my boss. Because I am sick of being talked down to (in some cases) and feeling as all that I am doing is just not good enough. Because I am sick of asking questions and feeling short-temperedness on the other end.

It’s awfully disheartening and demotivating to feel so slighted. I feel, for the first time, uninspired.

I hate this feeling. Absolutely hate it. It makes me feel weak and lacking confidence and angry and sad all wrapped up together.

Yet, I know they miss my boss for who she is, not necessarily because I’m doing a shitty job.

But it sure makes me feel like I’m doing a shitty job.

It feels thankless right now, and I probably should expect that it will for the next month or so until she returns. And yeah, I will address it with my interim boss at some point, but given I now won’t see him face-to-face for another two weeks, it just doesn’t feel like the time to just throw that into one of my hurried phone calls where I try to get all the answers I need as fast as I can because he’s that busy.

I just wish I was seen for all that I am and not all that I’m not.

~~

I wish I could see past the comments and the slights, whether they are intentional or not.

I wish I could cement that game face on and never take it off.

But I’m me, and that means I AM sensitive and my confidence does wobble when I’m questioned.

I’m human. I have my weak spots, more than I’d care to admit sometimes. I can’t ignore it.

But that’s me, so I’m feeling the need to go with a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude and kareenΒ  through these comments utnil they DO see me for all that I am instead of all (or who) I am not.

Because I am capable, I am smart, and I do have things under control. It may not be the way it’s been done before but dammit, it’s the way I’m doing it.

I’m going to have to call it the F*ck it mentality.

(now if only I could live these words instead of just writing them down)

~~

What else do I wish?

That I didn’t still struggle with body image issues.

I had another of those days today too (what a great combination, right?)

Maybe I need to stop reading the bevy of fitness and healthy eating blogs that I read for awhile. I love them, I love all of my bloggy friends from that ‘world’ (my ever-growing blogroll is half-filled with these wonderful reads), but sometimes I get jealous when I read them. I hate to even say that, but I do.

I start comparing myself. Wishing I was half-marathon capable again (let alone full marathon capable).

Wishing I was stricter in my eating habits. I eat mostly ‘clean’ but do enjoy wine on weekends and the occasional cracker, cookie, or other processed food. (that makes me human, right?). But then I start to think, maybe if I ate uber clean, I would love my body more (or would I?)

Maybe I just need to stop focusing on what I don’t have and focus on what I do have.

Strong legs, getting-there abs and arms, and the ability to work out often. (I shouldn’t take it for granted).

It’s a constant internal battle that I need to find a way to quiet. Find a way to embrace and love, not tear myself down.

But I suppose that’s a story for another blog post.

~~

At the end of the day, though?

It’s *just a job*

I’ll get over it. I’ll move past it. Eventually.

My body isn’t nearly as bad as I envision in my mind.

It’s fixable. I’m focusing on it.

And ultimately? Life is pretty damn good irregardless. Love, happiness, family, health.

Isn’ t that what really matters?

~~

Sometimes I wish…my pep talks would ‘stick’ more. Maybe this one will.

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29 thoughts on “Sometimes, I wish…

    1. Thanks Spencer. I agree…I just think these certain people are very caught up in their own deliverables, which I get, but take a step back and listen to yourself, ya know? I just wish it was more clear how awful that comes across. Now isn’t the time for me to mention that, but I do plan to. Because I am ME and I am doing a good job for the job I am IN, not hers.

  1. Oh sweetie, want to give you a big hug. I think it’s definitely important to try to focus on what you have over what you don’t. I know that’s soooo much easier said than done of course. And I think when you’re super sensitive (and a type a perfectionist) it makes everything soooo much more difficult sometimes. Definitely speaking from experience.

    Go hug that man of yours and remember the positives πŸ˜‰

    1. It is hard to focus on what I have and not on what I don’t, but I am trying. I just hate being reminded that I’m NOT someone. Well, no shit, but I am me and I am valuable too. Ya know? I definitely gave my man lots of hugs and he was really good about making me feel better, of course. As are all of your comments!

  2. ((((((BIGHUGS))))
    I’m glad you got to vent it out a little bit here…though I know you probably could’ve written a novel just based on the range of emotions you felt today. I am sad that work is causing you such stress…but even more sad that you are doubting your fitness level. Please. Don’t ever doubt. You are strong. You are fit. You are beautiful. Don’t ever forget it. Don’t let anyone steal that from you. You’ve worked too damn hard. xoxo

    1. Thanks sis, your comment almost made me cry. Can you sit on my shoulder and just tell me I’m good enough? That would be wonderful πŸ™‚ XO

  3. I’m sorry jo! I know its hard, but know that you are an amazing woman who is doing an awesome job! And if you feel like you need a break from the blog world and focus on you, then go for it. YOu know whats best for the heart!
    πŸ˜‰

    1. Thank you Lindsay, so much! It’s hard to NOT read everyone’s posts because I do love sharing and reading up on everyone’s lives. Hopefully that was just a fleeting thought πŸ˜‰

  4. It’s too bad you’re feeling this way. I think that if your employees are disrespectful (intentionally or not) that you need to find a tactful way to broach the subject with them. Part of managing is knowing how to speak to your employees when their attitudes or performance are out of check. You could also tell them that you’ve noticed some resistance to your methods of management and ask them if there’s anything that they feel as though they’re not getting from you… that way you’ve both told them you recognize their inappropriate behaviour, and offered your co-operation with adjusting it. Just my two cents, but neither office politics or tact are my strong suit.

    You do so much to be healthy- maybe if you started blogging more regularly about your exercise routine and your healthy eating habits (because I know you have them!), you would realize that you do a lot.

    1. Thank you friend! Unfortunately, those making the comments are 2-3 levels ABOVE me, not anyone that works for me. Nobody reports to me at this job, I roll up under others. So it’s not so much about insubordination or anything, but it does feel disrespectful, whether intended or not. I will address it, just not in the heat of the moment. (and I like the blog posts on workouts…maybe I’ll do that or just do it privately).

  5. oh hello friend!

    First of all, I truly admire your health and fitness commitment. Just remember not to compare! I associate you with health and wellness, so its all about perspective. I know sometimes it is tempting to compare yourself to others who might be a little more hardcore, but just remember those of us that admire you.

    Secondly, I really feel for you on the job front. I once replaced someone at a job who was KNOWN for being a superstar at it, and you know, over time they forgot about her and realized that I had my own contribution to give, but it took time. She and I work together again at my current company, and we are both seen as unique individuals with our own niche but it hurt me too in the past when my coworkers wouldn’t let go and give me a chance. Just hang in there, it will get better.

    1. Aw, thanks Marisa. You also know just what to say to make me smile. Thank you 100 times over. I’m glad you can relate to the job thing…I guess the other thing that’s tough anyway, is just being new and ‘unproven’ because I was SO used to being a go-to/superstar type at my old job just by nature of being there so long. I hate that I’m doubted here, even if it’s accidental. But I know it’ll come with time and we’ll both be seen as individual contributors.

  6. I love sitting back and watching you pep talk your way through things. You’re your best cheerleader, do ya know that?

    You make me smile big and inspire me… like whoa. πŸ˜‰

    1. Seriously?! I felt so meandering in my own pep talk-y way. I was going to leave it as just whiny and cry-y and not wanting to face anything, but the more I wrote, that’s the direction it went, so I went with it. Thank you for making ME smile because my weird pep talk posts inspire YOU!

  7. Oh Jo, you KNOW you’ve got this. Don’t let the “this is the way it’s always been done” mentality get you down. Just because it’s new doesn’t mean it isn’t better. Stay strong, and I bet when your boss gets back everyone talks about how awesome you were while she was out.

    And try not to beat yourself up too bad over body image. You’ve got a rockin bod, and you’re in phenomenal shape, so try not to compare yourself to the other fitness bloggers you read, because you never know if they’re reading your stuff envying you.

    1. Thanks friend…I know you kinda know what I’m going through, in your own role, too, and I HOPE everyone thinks I am doing a good job but when I go through a day where all I’m reminded is how I’m NOT her, it’s hard not to feel good enough. But today is a new day, right? And thank you for the body image pep talk, you are so sweet, and I really appreciate it. XO

  8. Pep talks stick better when you know you have support. I’m here for you. Always. You can turn to me to find out just how amazing you are. (I thought my opinion might count more since I’m not as biased as M…) πŸ˜‰

    Big hugs! I believe in you.

    1. Sniffle. Thanks Nicki, that means a lot. Your words are always so heartfelt and I think you may bee a wee bit less biased than M πŸ˜‰ XO.

  9. As long as you stay positive…it’ll all work out, right? We all have our days…but those kind of days make us appreciate the really great ones. πŸ™‚

  10. I wish I could give you the help you need with the F’it mentality. You know I wasn’t there yesterday. Especially going off on my boss b/c the girl he hired to work with me isn’t there yet…it’s been 60 days and I’m still doing everything. I would have preferred they hired no one than hired someone w/no experience. I know this isn’t you so I know you’ll be fine. In the meantime…any help on getting through my days w/o killing her?

    1. I’m sure it is hard being in the reverse position. At least I do have the experience, just not the ins and outs my boss did πŸ˜‰ Try not to kill her, I am sure she is doing all she can…

  11. My sister in law and I had a great body image convo on the weekend. We both have things that we don’t like about ourselves but then the conversation moved to telling each other what we wished we had. “I wish I had your legs”, “I wish I had your abs”, “I wish I had your hair”, “I wish I had your hips” etc. Sounds uber-girly and pathetic, but it’s amazing how much it made us feel better about ourselves knowing that we had something the other admired. Now that I wrote that it sounds so shallow – but I hope you get the intended meaning.

    1. I TOTALLY get it, and I think that’s awesome. My sister Jess and I try to do that too, compliment each other once a day since we both have this tear-ourselves-down mentality sometimes.

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