…was what I wanted to do so badly in October 2008 as my life was coming to an end (or so I thought) as it careened towards divorce.
But this past week (and this weekend, especially, as I sat across the table from my sister and brother in law, with M at my side, laughing, enjoying, and just breathing it all in. That perfect evening…), I’ve realized that the ‘fast forward’ button I so desperately wanted to hit then to make my life happy again is here. It’s my life as we speak…the here and now. I’ve achieved that life I envisioned and wanted so much then, now.
And to feel that way, to have achieved all that I’ve been working for these past few years, to rebuild the me I lost, and gain the confidence and happiness I so wanted (and heal the pain), while finding a job that makes me happy and a man that fits me like a glove?
I am downright speechless. And more appreciative than words can even describe.
Yet, at the same time, I feel guilty for it.
When I read some of my bloggy friends going through despair and sadness (you know who you are), struggling with dating, or finding the right balance or finding love and happiness again. I feel that guilt rising in me again. I feel the tug in my heart. The want to fix it and the guilt that I am not in that place anymore.
But why?
I deserve it too. I have worked hard for it. I have struggled to find it, too. Yet I feel the need to justify that sometimes, for no other reason than to show how much I do care, and want for others what I have achieved. The fast forward button of sorts.
I know my story is far from over. There will be struggles. There will be battles. There will be challenges. Galore. But at this moment, I feel like I can take them on better than I ever could before. It’s a sense of empowerment that I wish could be bottled up and sold, because that feeling is something I wish for everyone. Because we can all achieve it, I firmly believe that. Sometimes you gotta reach into the depths, into the tips of your toes and the farthest reaches of your mind. But you can do it. Believe that.
You don’t need a fast forward button (even if we all dream of one at times. Clearly I did too. And clearly fast forward didn’t really work, per se, as it still took almost three years). It’s faith, perserverence, strength and resolve.
The here and now feels like no other. And it just feels right.
Determined. To Be... 
You have fought to get to this place in your life…you have paid your dues….do NOT be disrespectful to The Universe by feeling guilty for it!!
Sure, there are some people you know who are struggling with the details of life…but that’s just what happens. All that means is that their story is still in progress. You’re in a unique position to help, to be sympathetic, just by listening and offering words of support because you’ve been there yourself. You remember what it feels like to struggle.
Keep being a wonderful example to everyone of a person who is able to enjoy the results of working through the tough parts of life. 🙂
Thank you Sunshine. I always feel so much better when someone like you comments and validates what I am saying, because you HAVE been there, quite recently, and can relate to what I am saying. I won’t disrespect the Universe for being happy…great way of putting it. Thank you, thank you, your comment was dead-on.
you’re totally right to enjoy your life. it’s what we all want and we all work towards. don’t feel bad about being happy! 🙂
Thank you. You too, are right. I shouldn’t feel bad. Perhaps it’s a habit.
You don’t need to feel guilty about the good things happening in your life! Things are good for you right now, and you deserve to be happy about that. All your friends want is for you to listen when they ask you to, and you do that wonderfully. 🙂
Thanks friend. So glad you see it that way too. I will always always always be a listener and a friend. And I hope others can be happy for me as I would be for them.
Don’t feel guilty. Everything happens for a reason so no fast forward button is needed. In the end it is all worth it. You deserve it! Keep breathing every moment of it in.
You are SO right. No fast forward button is needed. Every experience, no matter what, is worth it. Thank you for reminding me.
You talk about this guilt about writing about happiness often. I think you shouldsee your posts as hopeful. Giving others hope that their situations will improve. That happiness is out there. I like your posts for that reason. They give me something to aspire to as I think im a ways behind you. After last year where I had nothing, things are slowly improving. And i think ive found the man for sure. Now to solidify the relationship and to continue working on job, finances, health, extended family, myself etc. Its a work in progress that can def use the mantra of “faith, perserverence, strength and resolve.” be happy youre happy. Life is worth living for these happy times. -T.
Thank you Toddy. You’re right…I should see these posts as hope. I usually do but sometimes, I can’t help but want this for others that are struggling. And I feel guilty for it, even though I shouldn’t. I am glad you see these as hopeful too. I think you are on your way…just a feeling 🙂
Every time I read your posts about how happy you are, about how far you’ve come, it just makes me smile. It just goes to show that things do change. It may not be today or tomorrow, but things happen and change and do get better.
Your comment made ME smile. you are the sweetest. Thank you. You’re right, things do change and they do get better. well put.
You have such self-awareness. I agree, we all want to hit the fast forward button to get out of the tough spots. But we have to live every moment through them in order to appreciate the good moments when they come.
Thanks so much…I think self-awareness is one of the most powerful things, and not everyone has it. But the bad moments make us realize the good moments are that much better…even without that fast forward button.
By no means should you feel guilty. We are all worthy of happiness, and much of the time, I think it’s all about timing. Sure, some hard work and intentionality are required, but I think there’s some element of luck or fate mixed in as well. Glad that you are in such a good place! Enjoy!
thanks Emma. I love what you say about intentionality and hard work. It’s true. You put the effort in and eventually it plays out as it should. With a mix of fate and luck in for good measure.
Listen, struggles are a normal part of life. We all strive to be happy, but accept that we will face challenges along the way. And for me, seeing you happy, is so encouraging. It reminds me that I can achieve that elusive happiness. It reminds me that I need to be patient. And I think that is what owning your happiness does for all of us.
I’ve watched you struggle with dating and having a rewarding career. I’ve watched your housing dilemmas. I’ve tried to understand your fascination with exercise. 😉 And you inspire me. (Even with the exercise.)
So glad you are happy. You deserve it. You earned it.
Big hugs!
I don’t think I could have said it better myself Nicki. And you do have the vantage point of seeing this all play out pretty much from day one, so you know the struggles and the bad that came with all the good. I appreciate that and the fact that I can inspire. That means so much.
So glad life is working out for you and everything has come together well, M, the new job and life in general. Never feel guilty for it, you deserve it.
Thanks Susan. It is coming together nicely. I need to push down that guilt, because I know I do deserve it and have worked hard.
I may envy your happiness (career wise!) but I would never want you to feel guilty about it! It gives me hope that maybe I’ll find that some day.
Aww. I know you will have that career you want soon…I am pulling fro you!!
oh my goodness don’t feel guilty! as someone who is wishing and waiting for her own ffwd button, i need you to tell your stories of happiness and love so that A) – I can live vicariously through you and B) so that I know with time it will happen for me too!
Aww! you can live vicariously through me, I’d be flattered 😉 It WILL happen for you. I know it.
We each have our own paths, girl. We each have our own lessons to learn. You’re still on a path with more lessons too!
The best advice that I try to give others when they are in their unhappiest moments is that “It is temporary.” Also, I’ve been learning to accept right where I am, no matter if I’m in a bad mood or things don’t look so good. I remember that all happens as it should.
Enjoy right where you are. And thanks for reminding the rest of us to do the same thing.
Thanks T…always one to know the right thing to say. There ARE more lessons to be learned, this isn’t ‘it’ – but it is a time I want to cherish and enjoy. Because right now is feeling damn good. And the good times will make the bad feel slightly less bad. Right?
You know how I feel about this. Never downplay your happiness. Never apologize for being happy, for investing in that relationship. Enjoy this sis…ever single second. You have EARNED this. Amazing how far you’ve come.
thank you. I guess I have earned it, even if it feels strange to say.
Can I just say, “ditto,” to all the other comments ;)? You’re entitled to be happy without feeling guilty. You’re there for your friends no matter what they’re going through. And, it’s not boasting to share what’s going on in your life. Just keeping being you! You’ve worked hard to get where you are! xoxo