…was what I wanted to do so badly in October 2008 as my life was coming to an end (or so I thought) as it careened towards divorce.
But this past week (and this weekend, especially, as I sat across the table from my sister and brother in law, with M at my side, laughing, enjoying, and just breathing it all in. That perfect evening…), I’ve realized that the ‘fast forward’ button I so desperately wanted to hit then to make my life happy again is here. It’s my life as we speak…the here and now. I’ve achieved that life I envisioned and wanted so much then, now.
And to feel that way, to have achieved all that I’ve been working for these past few years, to rebuild the me I lost, and gain the confidence and happiness I so wanted (and heal the pain), while finding a job that makes me happy and a man that fits me like a glove?
I am downright speechless. And more appreciative than words can even describe.
Yet, at the same time, I feel guilty for it.
When I read some of my bloggy friends going through despair and sadness (you know who you are), struggling with dating, or finding the right balance or finding love and happiness again. I feel that guilt rising in me again. I feel the tug in my heart. The want to fix it and the guilt that I am not in that place anymore.
I deserve it too. I have worked hard for it. I have struggled to find it, too. Yet I feel the need to justify that sometimes, for no other reason than to show how much I do care, and want for others what I have achieved. The fast forward button of sorts.
I know my story is far from over. There will be struggles. There will be battles. There will be challenges. Galore. But at this moment, I feel like I can take them on better than I ever could before. It’s a sense of empowerment that I wish could be bottled up and sold, because that feeling is something I wish for everyone. Because we can all achieve it, I firmly believe that. Sometimes you gotta reach into the depths, into the tips of your toes and the farthest reaches of your mind. But you can do it. Believe that.
You don’t need a fast forward button (even if we all dream of one at times. Clearly I did too. And clearly fast forward didn’t really work, per se, as it still took almost three years). It’s faith, perserverence, strength and resolve.
The here and now feels like no other. And it just feels right.