Allowing love.

In the last few days, I finally feel like I am allowing love, 100% of the time.

It sounds simple. It sounds easy. It sounds like a n0-brainer. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Love happens.

But sometimes, it is truly easier said than done (Marathon’s Mistress says it well in this recent post). Don’t get me wrong, I have known I loved M for almost as long as he told me he loved me last fall, but there was part of me that wasn’t fully allowing that love to happen. But something snapped in me last week when I saw M during the week for dinner. It was this pull, this need to be near him, to show him I absolutely love him, to accept and allow how much he loves me, too.It was then that I realized in every movement, in every thought, and in every action, he is on my mind, he is who I want to be with for as long as we are meant to be together, he is the man I was meant to meet and fall in love with.

I’m not scared.

I’m not railing against it.

I’m not struggling to find balance.

I’m not worrying how he feels about me, or what he’s thinking.

I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m happy.

I’m in love.

I’m hopeful for our future together.

And, I’m at peace with where I am, in the here and now.

Almost five years since I got married to the man I thought I was meant to be with forever…I know, without a shadow of a doubt, my life has led me to M, as the man that was meant for me, far more than I ever imagined.

~~

Another reason I know that I’m head over heels in love with M?

I cried this morning when I said goodbye, as I head out to Costa Mesa this afternoon for my next week-long trip. I haven’t really cried when I’ve left for my last few trips, with him, even though I was sad to say goodbye. This felt different. My heart ached. I was sad. I wanted to hug him  and never let go. I wanted to sink into him and just be.

Allowing love.

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35 thoughts on “Allowing love.

  1. Aww, that’s so sweet. It’s great that you’re finally able to let go and just allow love to be what it is and not try to restrict it or hold it back. Good for you and M.

    1. Thank you! I really am allowing…and it isn’t so hard to just let it happen. It used to feel like I needed to make a concerted effort to ALLOW it. Now it just comes naturally.

    1. Thanks Heather! It was sad to say goodbye this morning, just based on how perfect the weekend was too. And his face near his eyebrows gets all scrunched up when he says goodbye, and for some reason, that gets me. It’s like he is trying hard not to show sadness!

  2. That’s wonderful that you’re embracing love and loving being in love with M. Happy Valentine’s Day and have a safe flight to California. It’s sad you’re leaving him today for work but they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

  3. You described how I feel EXACTLY when I have to leave Scott for a work trip. I always bawl. I’m always sad. My heart always aches. Sure – time apart is fine, and it usually ends up being a good trip and all that, but he’s always in the back of my mind, and I’m always missing his closeness. It is by FAR the best feeling ever the second I see him after being away, that first hug and kiss? It fills me with such joy and peace…to know our hearts are nearby again. As cheesy as that sounds, it’s exactly how it feels.

  4. I love how you say, “he is who I want to be with for as long as we are meant to be together” … having been through what you’ve been through … you couldn’t have said it any better and I will remember this while trying to allow myself to fall back in love (when the time comes…).

  5. I know that feeling. There have been a few nights that I’m not with S, and I’ve cried. I’m not yet at that secure place you describe. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. However, you’ve been divorced for a little while, and I’m still embarking on my new life. I’m sure all those variables factor into it all somehow.

    How long will you be out this time? If you have any time after Wednesday, maybe we can do lunch out in the Costa Mesa area. I could stand to make a trip down there anyway, and go to the Container Store! LMK!

    1. To have met someone this quickly for you is awesome…I’m happy for you! And you will get there…if it’s meant to, it will happen (that not-so-scary feeling!). As for this trip, I would love to do lunch but can’t until Thursday (two days of all day meetings) – I’ll email you!

  6. *sigh*

    I know this feeling. Actually, I know ALL of those feelings. I’m so happy for you.

    Michael would call it ‘beshert,’ Yiddish for ‘meant to be.’

    Beautiful, huh?

  7. Can I ask you something – do you know why things changed? I struggle with this. I always have. Part of it is because the way I grew up around love. My parents were not affectionate people and still aren’t. My husband is, and he’s the first person I know that it has bothered that I seem to harbor my feelings and have a hard time “allowing” myself to love. I know they are different situations…though I am curious as to how you came to this realization and how it all of a sudden empowered you to be so bold.
    Either way, I am happy for you. Happy belated VDAY.

    1. That’s actually a really good question. I guess for me, I hadn’t had to allow myself to love for SO long since I was with my ex for 10 years that I plain just didn’t know how. But something just snapped and suddenly, it was so clear to me. It’s a wishy-washy answer, I know, but I think it’s a combination of all of our growth together and mine, independently over the last few years being on my own.

  8. This is so great. I can actually feel you allowing love through your writing. I can always tell when I am *truly* in love because I miss someone that much. I wish the best for you both!

    1. It is a HUGE sign when you really truly miss them for them, not for any other extraneous reasons (like, just being horny or something!). I think that’s huge.

  9. Aww. I think there is a point in the relationship – about the 2 month mark – when you first say “I love you.” You mean it, you are SO into each other and want to be with them all the time. Then there’s another point in the relationship further down the line when you realize you really, truly are in love with that person with all your heart. No more guessing. Sounds like you’ve hit that mark. Congrats, sweetie!

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