Reminder to self: this is still ‘new.’

Sometimes I forget that my relationship with M is still considerably ‘new’ in the grand scheme of things (5 months is a drop in the bucket compared to a 1o-year relationship with my ex-husband) because we just ‘fit’ so well together.

But then other times, when M’s mind is a million miles away and I don’t know why or can’t figure out what’s ticking in his brain, I get frustrated.

Just as I’m sure he gets frustrated when my mind is a million miles away and I can’t quite articulate why that is, or what’s weighing on me.

Last night, I just progressively got sad and down. I had this on my mind much of yesterday, so I know that was part of it, for sure, and the brevity of life and our loved ones, but I just couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me. M noticed I looked sad and he asked why and I said I was fine. I wasn’t completely fine, but I just didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling.

I was down because I have just a week between work trips. The last trip took more out of me than I thought and this next trip will be stressful with a day trip to San Fran with the CEO (no pressure…).

And I was down because we had a hell of a weekend. Just awesome. Time spent together. Time spent with one of my sisters, and the extra day off was much-needed to really relax.

And I was down because I just was.

And I couldn’t explain what was wrong. Until we got into bed and he hugged me and I just started to cry. Much to a startled M who had no idea what was wrong, and of course, immediately thought it was him.

He hugged me, and comforted me, and tried to get me to speak up. He told me all the things he loves about me, from the way I squint with my Blackberry close to my face in the morning to see the time (since I’m blind as a bat without contacts), to the way we laugh together and the way we love each other. And he told me how he loves to do things with me and have fun together.

And that’s when I said that I feel as though I take him for granted sometimes. Because I know I do. And I never want to do that. The fact that he still is so easygoing and just goes with the flow on what I want to do much of the time, makes it very easy to do the same – just go with the flow with what I want to do. I told him that I want him to keep working on that and making sure he doesn’t shortchange himself, or that I don’t shortchange him either. Because he deserves to do what he wants too.

And as I started to feel better and we started to drift off to sleep, I could feel his stress and anxiety bubbling up.

I could tell he was worried about his thesis and getting it done. And he worries about work quite a bit, always wanting to make sure he makes the right decisions for his patients (something you can’t always know for sure that you are doing in a way) and I didn’t know how to fix it. Because I can’t fix it, I can just try to understand. And try to support and help.

But that’s when it dawned on me that I still don’t really know him through and through. This is still ‘new’ and that’s okay. There are so many layers left to pick away, I can’t just fast forward to the part where we know of all that.

Nor would I want to.

Because isn’t that what life is? Picking away at the layers and discovering each other along the way?

I just need to remind myself of that sometimes. Slow down. It’s okay. We’ll figure each other out and adjust to each other’s moods and rhythms. It just takes time. And communication. A lot of it. A huge part of what I am still working on. Because I realize I still am not the best communicator in the world (surprisingly).  I guess that comes with time too, huh?


30 thoughts on “Reminder to self: this is still ‘new.’

  1. He sounds amazing, girl. And kudos to you for actually realizing you might be taking him for granted and wanting to do something about it. Usually it’s the other way around and the guy never realizes it. One day at a time.

    1. He IS amazing. That’s the thing. Makes me feel even worse that I know I am taking him for granted in ways. I am learning. One day at a time is right.

  2. OMG, I kind of know how you feel, but for me, it’s more that I’m afraid S will eventually come to discover something about me that *he doesn’t like. He told me very early on that I am exactly what he’s been looking for, and truly he hadn’t known me long enough to make that judgment. So I fear that over time he’ll find that I am not what he thought I was.

    1. Yes – that’s part of it too! I do feel that maybe he sees me a little too perfectly and that suddenly, all of my flaws will come tumbling out and he won’t like me anymore! It’s probably just a paranoia, but it is definitely part of it.

  3. 😦 Sorry you got down sweetie. It happens and at least you had M there for that much-needed hug. Isn’t it strange when something is so right that it seems like it’s just always been so? But then it’s really only been 5 months??? I swear it seems longer and it’s not even my relationship 😉 I really can’t wait to meet M – he had better be there in August!!

    1. Thanks friend. I feel better today. Helped to get it out on paper too. And it DOES seem like far longer, so I think that’s when I get frustrated that I don’t know certain things about him, but then I realize that it hasn’t really been *that* long. And it’s funny you think so too. You definitely will meet him!! 🙂

    1. You are RIGHT. I know, why am I so uptight about this? It’s almost silly. It wouldn’t be fun if I knew EVERYTHING about him already (and vice versa). I just need to relax. My sis told me that too.

  4. Oh, Jolene! I get this. The fact that you recognize you could take advantage of him is a true indication that you won’t. And the way he cares for you…so obvious. And that you don’t know him through and through…you have the rest of your lives for that.

    Big hugs!

    1. Thank you Nicki. I know, I HOPE I don’t take him for granted, but seeing some early indicators of it makes me want to definitely nip that in the bud. I’m glad you can see the potential in us…because I can too.

    1. Yes, you are RIGHT sis. You told me that earlier tonight, along with a lot of other wicked smaht stuff, and I just need to take your advice a little more. You have a successful, strong, loving marriage, and you two are quite simply, perfect. I SHOULD be taking your advice! XO!

  5. Here’s the thing: you already DO know him.

    You two sound just as connected as my man and I are. We intrinsically know each other deeply. The surface stuff? We’ll figure out and we still are – nearly 2 years in! And you guys will figure it out too.

    For now, enjoy the fact that he knows when you need extra hugs. And enjoy the fact that you know, even upon falling asleep, that his mind is racing with worry.

    Those are things that people take for granted. It doesn’t sound like you are doing that at all.

    Enjoy those moments.

    1. Thank you T. I appreciate your perspective given your relationship with your man and how strong it is (many of the strengths in your relationship, I hope to find!). And I think you are right, for the most part, we do know each other relatively well intrinsically. Maybe the part I struggle most with is figuring out what to do, where to go, how to get there. I haven’t been a ‘girlfriend’ in a relationship for so so long and even when I was, it was in my teens! This all feels so foreign to me right now, and I am just overthinking it instead of letting it play out. I need to balance that a bit more I think.

      1. I agree with you on the “how to be a girlfriend”. It’s even more complicated with kids!

        Instead of “figuring it out”, just go with the flow. Allow, remember?

        Write out a post or keep a daily journal of things you KNOW for certain. It should stave off the fear of the uncertainty. Writing those things out will give you such peace and gratitude. The rest will fall into place.

        (again, I get it, though. you have been reading about my fears for some time now….)

        1. I bet it is even more complicated. As for allowing…I know, I even wrote on that topic, didn’t I? What is wrong with me?! 😉 I like the journaliing idea…that gives me some food for thought.

      2. Intrigue Me, your sister and Toddy summed it up perfectly! You know enough to know that it’s right and real. The rest you’ll figure out as you need to. We all deal with stress and uncertainty differently so it’s okay that you don’t know everything that he’s thinking and vice-versa. xoxo

  6. Sorry to hear you were feeling sad, I know what it’s like when work gets a bit overwhelming and things just start building up inside. Sounds like M is really amazing and you guys have a wonderful relationship. I think you don’t need to worry about communicating with M, because it seems like you do communicate really well. That’s one of my faults in a relationship, I’m not the best communicator but then sometimes I think you’ll never know 100% or even close on what goes on in another persons head.

    1. Yes, it was definitely part of it – overwhelming building up inside. So it isn’t entirely him of course, that was why I was sad, it was everything swirling at once. I am glad he was there and found the right words to be comforting. I do need to work on the communication thing and being more honest. It’s hard to do!

  7. I understand. I get down too and immediately DH thinks it’s him…even though it’s 100% NOT HIM. I never want to know him through and through…there’s no fun in that. But I like knowing when I can play around with him or when I should back away b/c it’s his grumpy day. That comes with time though. And letting him be easygoing is OK too…

    1. That’s a good point…maybe knowing him through and through isn’t really the right approach. It’s knowing him well enough to know what different moods mean, how I can help and when helping isn’t going to help. If that makes sense. Thank you for that perspective.

    1. That’s also true, there is potentially a lifetime ahead to learn all the nooks and crannies. Keeps things interesting. I just need to remind myself…it’s only been 5 months, relax 😉

  8. I’m reminded of this quite often but then there are times I’m shocked at how much we do know about one another in such a short amount of time. It is sometimes hard to not want it all at once.

  9. It IS okay not to know every detail, Jobo. And you know what? It IS okay to look forward to learning every detail. If that’s even possible between a man and a woman. 🙂

    Learning his ways, his moods, his looks … that’s all the fun stuff. Look forward to it, and yes, relax.


    1. Aw, thank you Ms. Engaged!! So excited for you!! 🙂 And you are indeed right, there is plenty to look forward to, you can be my inspiration (one of several!) in this bloggy world in that regard.

  10. I bet it felt good to cry. I think things are just how they are supposed to be right now. Everything will come together in time. And yeah, his job? I can only imagine how stressful it is. You just gotta be there for him.

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