Sometimes I forget that my relationship with M is still considerably ‘new’ in the grand scheme of things (5 months is a drop in the bucket compared to a 1o-year relationship with my ex-husband) because we just ‘fit’ so well together.
But then other times, when M’s mind is a million miles away and I don’t know why or can’t figure out what’s ticking in his brain, I get frustrated.
Just as I’m sure he gets frustrated when my mind is a million miles away and I can’t quite articulate why that is, or what’s weighing on me.
Last night, I just progressively got sad and down. I had this on my mind much of yesterday, so I know that was part of it, for sure, and the brevity of life and our loved ones, but I just couldn’t put my finger on what was bothering me. M noticed I looked sad and he asked why and I said I was fine. I wasn’t completely fine, but I just didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling.
I was down because I have just a week between work trips. The last trip took more out of me than I thought and this next trip will be stressful with a day trip to San Fran with the CEO (no pressure…).
And I was down because we had a hell of a weekend. Just awesome. Time spent together. Time spent with one of my sisters, and the extra day off was much-needed to really relax.
And I was down because I just was.
And I couldn’t explain what was wrong. Until we got into bed and he hugged me and I just started to cry. Much to a startled M who had no idea what was wrong, and of course, immediately thought it was him.
He hugged me, and comforted me, and tried to get me to speak up. He told me all the things he loves about me, from the way I squint with my Blackberry close to my face in the morning to see the time (since I’m blind as a bat without contacts), to the way we laugh together and the way we love each other. And he told me how he loves to do things with me and have fun together.
And that’s when I said that I feel as though I take him for granted sometimes. Because I know I do. And I never want to do that. The fact that he still is so easygoing and just goes with the flow on what I want to do much of the time, makes it very easy to do the same – just go with the flow with what I want to do. I told him that I want him to keep working on that and making sure he doesn’t shortchange himself, or that I don’t shortchange him either. Because he deserves to do what he wants too.
And as I started to feel better and we started to drift off to sleep, I could feel his stress and anxiety bubbling up.
I could tell he was worried about his thesis and getting it done. And he worries about work quite a bit, always wanting to make sure he makes the right decisions for his patients (something you can’t always know for sure that you are doing in a way) and I didn’t know how to fix it. Because I can’t fix it, I can just try to understand. And try to support and help.
But that’s when it dawned on me that I still don’t really know him through and through. This is still ‘new’ and that’s okay. There are so many layers left to pick away, I can’t just fast forward to the part where we know of all that.
Nor would I want to.
Because isn’t that what life is? Picking away at the layers and discovering each other along the way?
I just need to remind myself of that sometimes. Slow down. It’s okay. We’ll figure each other out and adjust to each other’s moods and rhythms. It just takes time. And communication. A lot of it. A huge part of what I am still working on. Because I realize I still am not the best communicator in the world (surprisingly). I guess that comes with time too, huh?