Being in a relationship.
After struggling to find love over the past two years (the phrase ‘find love’ is a bad one, incidentally, though, isn’t it? We don’t really ‘find’ love, we fall into it…side note/food for thought) and finally finding something so incredible with M, why do I feel guilty about it?
A few reasons. One, I feel bad for those of my friends that *want* relationships and haven’t found them yet. So I try to downplay my own happiness sometimes or “keep in” plans we’ve made or stuff we’ve talked about (well, except for on here, for all of you to read, of course) because I don’t want it to appear as though I am rubbing it in or insensitive to what they may be feeling. I don’t even know why I do this, because it’s not like I am getting that feedback from my friends. It’s almost instinctive.
But why? I shouldn’t feel guilty. I absolutely have every right to enjoy what I have with M and to share it relatively freely with my friends. But something stops me. Guilt. Sensitivity. I’m a worrier. And maybe part of me thinks that because I blog about it, that’s my way of gushing and getting out all my swoonworthy stories in plain sight. But I don’t really know why I hold back.
Another reason? I think this goes hand in hand with my need for balance and having a life filled with M, family and friends, and not too much of one over the other. But sometimes there is a time to invest in your relationship and really focus on it (more on that topic later…) but then whydo I feel guilty for that, while still( in my opinion) balancing that out with family and friends (and ‘me’ time)?
Coming to this realization – even though I don’t really have the answer for it right now – has actually opened my eyes up to a huge reason why I have struggled lately with this balance and trying to do it all.I need to work through why I feel guilt. But I think pinpointing it is a start, and a breakthrough for me, and hopefully helps me work through it.
Does this even make sense? Feeling guilty for being happy, essentially? Am I putting this guilt on myself? Why does it make me so hypersensitive to that line…single vs. ‘in a relationship’ amongst others?
I wouldn’t change a thing about my relationship with M. Every day it gets better. Every day we learn something new about each other, or baby-step towards one more communication milestone. And every day, I love him that much more.
Where’s the guilt in that?