*I’ve drafted and held on to this post for awhile and while it may seem somewhat polar opposite to yesterday’s post, I also think it fits into some of what I had to say there. Again, I know this topic may raise some opinions, and that’s okay, I welcome it. This is just my own personal feelings on the topic. Enjoy (er, I hope!)**
‘The day you’ve waited for your whole life…’
Your wedding day.
Something I honestly, 100% never thought about or pined over. Ever.
Sure, I might be in the huge minority on this one, but growing up and throughout my years pre-marriage, I never once uttered that phrase, I never once envisioned my wedding day or the big white dress.
Yet, while watching ‘Say Yes to the Dress” (which oddly, I am absolutely riveted by and watch quite often. Yes, I realize the oddness of this, given that I just said I never envisioned that for myself!), I am constantly awe-struck by these women that completely romanticize their wedding day to the point where I wonder if they even think past that day, towards their marriage, towards their future together, not *just* their wedding. I have said this before – I don’t want a wedding…I want a marriage.” And that statement couldn’t be more true, because it is most certainly not about that day where you say your vows and officially get married, it’s all that goes into why you decided to get married and how you plan to live your future lives together (hopefully) forever.
And as I write these words, I wonder if I am being interpreted as the ‘jaded divorced woman’ that thinks this now that I have gone through divorce, and not because it’s what I have always believed. It’s most certainly the latter.
I have always felt this way.
I have always felt that weddings have been overly romanticized and are often cookie cutter and not representative of the couple being married and are also far too traditional and don’t truly carry forward the message behind why this couple is getting married. Whenever I go to a wedding and I get no sense of the why…I actually just get disappointed, because I think, if anything, your wedding day, the day that you spend an obscene amount of money on, you absolutely should make it ALL about you and ALL about why you want to marry your man (or woman) and your personality. Throw tradition out the window for once.
I guess this topic is on my mind a lot more lately because I wrangle with what I would do the second time around…(ya know, hypothetically speaking…) and honestly, I have no idea. I instantly gravitate towards doing what I did before. Going somewhere remote and getting married without anyone but ourselves, a witness and a minister. But then, I think ‘why do what I did before?’ Why not – again – through the rulebook out the window and do something completely different. Not a big wedding. Not everyone and their brother. But what I want? I just want it to be about us.
And until then…it’s a blank slate. And that’s the way I like it.
Determined. To Be... 
Girl I totally get you on this one. I never was the big frufru over the top, let’s invite then entire city and have 10 bridesmaids kind of girl either. I never thought about my dress, I never once hinted around to Jason that we even should get married. I didn’t want a big fancy ring. I just wanted it to be a day to celebrate with family and friends – my way. Absolutely my way. In fact, I catered the whole thing, decorated my cakes, made my invites, etc.
That being said, you better invite me to your wedding or else!
See, the way you got married is perfect! I loved all of the details from your wedding, when you posted about that, and that is how it should be. So personal. And yes,…if I have a wedding one day, you will certainly be invited 🙂
I’m with you. It definitely should be all about the couple and what they truly want for what is THEIR day. I think too many people get caught up in what they think they “should” do, and the special-ness of the occasion gets lost.
CBG and I have discussed what our wedding would hypothetically be like…but lately I’ve been turning over some different ideas in my head….shhhh! Don’t tell him. lol I think that having something unique and different that represents who we are as individuals and as a couple is where it’s at.
Oh okay, I won’t tell him. I am sure he won’t see this either. 🙂
It should totally be personal, what the couple wants and freaking traditional can kiss my butt…seriously. (clearly I have thoughts on this subject!)
I have to say — that’s partly why I want to do it again. For a few reasons. Mostly, we were young, our relationship today, our love today? Steamrolls the love we felt on our wedding day. But also, I would do things differently – personalize it more. I chalk it up to not really knowing better and really just wanting to marry Scott and live our lives together, and in that way, our marriage was way more important than the day itself. But I’m also really really proud of our relationship and I’d love nothing more than to celebrate it again – but to celebrate “us” in a much more personalized way, with our loved ones and friends there, the ones that have stood by us over the years.
So why am I rambling this all out to you in this post? Because I think you’re absolutely right – why not throw the rules out the window, the concept of what you did before and think about your wedding (which WILL happen) differently this time. I openly volunteer to be your wedding planner, since I very clearly love weddings (one of the very few things that is different between you and me!) and would love nothing more than to see you two tie the knot (and NO you are NOT allowed to get married alone with just a minister and witness, I had to endure that once, I’m not allowing it this time, and that’s that!)
You tell her!! 😉
Go Jess! 🙂
LOL! Love that you guys are now ganging up on me 😉
What if you ARE the witness? 😉 Just kidding. I promise.
As for your wedding…I loved your wedding. It did have some personal touches, don’t get me wrong! But you are right, you were young, doing it over now would be completely different. I say it’s high time to renew those vows! 🙂 And yes, I may just take you up on the wedding planner offer 😉
I always did want a big dress and I always told my mom I didn’t care so much about the wedding but the honeymoon! I didn’t have a big wedding and I still haven’t gone on a honeymoon, hmph. BUT I was really kinda sad when I got married and didn’t have the big dress I wanted or the nice sit down dinner, but you know what–I’m really happy with where we are now. Our parents definitely couldn’t afford a big wedding, and I wasn’t willing to spend on one. It’s ONE day. And you’re right, too many people focus on the wedding and not the marriage. I can honestly say that’s now what we were doing : )
yes – honeymoon is the priority! See, I love the way you guys got married. so romantic, even if it was very small and simple. It IS one day, though, as you say, and not THE marriage. THAT is what counts. You two got it!
Well you know more about my wedding than probably anyone now, and why I chose to elope. I have seen a ton of bloggers whose blog goes like this: OMG OMG I Can’t wait for him to propose. And this goes on for months–and the blogger talks about how much she loves her boyfriend. Then he proposes. Then it’s like OMG OMG the RING. Then OMG OMG the Wedding. And there may be something about marrying the man of your dreams. The marriage happens. And then it’s OMG OMG babies. And then OMG I’m pregnant. Then they it’s all baby talk (what happened to the husband – who knows?) and then the baby comes and OMG being a Mom is SO HARD. YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, STOP COMPLAINING. The husband is reduced to a post on their anniversary once a year. Then it’s back to baby, or whatever else the blogger is coveting after.
You, my friend, have the right fucking idea. M is never going anywhere. I don’t care if you have 5 kids or 1, but M will be your husband, he’s never leaving the house. CHERISH THE EVER LOVING CRAP out of him! (I’m not saying don’t post about your pregnancy or your kids) The wedding, at the end of the day, at least I felt…was signing a piece of paper. It’s not even a symbol of our relationship as it sits in our closet with tax paperwork.
A marriage is an entirely different thing than getting married. (PS I love all wedding shows…esp Amalah Girls, if that’s even still on!)
Love this first paragraph. Ha! So true.
Haha, me too!
Why thank you 😉
LOL! Exactly! All of those OMG OMG OMG moments. Hey, I love them just like the next, but it’s not.the.point.of.why.you’re.engaged. It’s a means to the beginning of the rest of your (hopefully!!) lives together. A marriage is different than getting married – absolutely agree! (and isn’t it weird to love the wedding shows but not love weddings?! me too) (and thank you for the words about M and me…you are right, and I love that it shows here, what we have!)
I’m with you….I never envisioned my wedding day growing up. I knew I wanted to get married, I believe deeply in the sanctity of marriage and committing yourself to someone until death do you part (that’s probably why it took me over 30 years to get married), but never fanaticized about how fabulous the day would be or how my prince charming would carry me off on a white horse. I wanted my own horse god damn it 🙂
But I have to say…my wedding day was PERFECT!! We waited 30 years to find each other and wanted to celebrate!!! It was perfectly us – simple, outside on a lake, small number of people (if someone didn’t know Eric and I as a couple then we didn’t invite them – no long lost 3rd cousins, high school or college friends). I took my vows VERY seriously…probably because we bucked tradition and wrote them ourselves. And I picked out one of my readings and the other was written by my oldest and dearest friend. It was a ceremonious way for us to start the “next phase” of our relationship. And quite frankly, the party was AWESOME!
I look back on the day with a HUGE smile on my face. I wouldn’t have it any other way…but that’s only because we did it our way. We probably pissed some people off along the way, but whatever.
LOVE your approach and that you married at 30. I really love that and how you went about it. The party sounds like it was a freaking blast!! THAT is the way to do it!
I really hated wedding planning and everything that went along with it. Like you, I was preparing for a marriage, not a 5 hour wedding (that I barely remember).
Right! You have the right idea too. I think I would honestly hate wedding planning for some huge wedding too. *shudder*
Well I did grow up wanting that. And it was “thrown out the window” after some grumbles from my ex-husband’s very Catholic family combined with the fact that we’d just bought a house together and were living “in sin”. We’d planned a huge extravagant wedding with all the trimmings. A giant Dixieland party in New Orleans (where else?!) with our family and friends.
We cancelled that idea (and lost $$ in the process) after realizing that his family wouldn’t participate in our day. So we eloped to Lake Tahoe, just the 2 of us, and got married at Christmastime outside in the snow. It was beautiful and perfect and the only thing that was missing was my mom. I cried that morning because I wanted her there so bad.
As far as “next time”, hypothetically speaking, I realize that I did it right the first time. I appreciated the fact that our day was only about us. I loved the quiet time we had together before and after. And I loved the amount of money and stress we saved by running off together and then having a fun party at our house a few weeks later…with our family and friends.
If I get married again, I do want a destination wedding but I want my mom there. If anyone else wants to come, that’s fine but it’ll be OUR day. At least that’s the way I see it.
It is about the marriage and not the wedding. I didn’t think that way before I was married but I certainly do now. How fortunate are you to have had that insight already!
See, the way you did it the first time sounds awesome. But you are right, I think I would also have wanted my mom there and my sisters, this time around…hypothetically speaking of course 🙂 I also still love destination weddings, so it is still something I’d consider, just a different location, of course, than the last time!
I never thought about my wedding day, either. Actually, I was convinced I wasn’t going to get married for awhile. Then, when the time came to plan a wedding….I did what felt right, even though it was expensive!!
You’ll know what to do when the time comes. 🙂
YOUR wedding is also one that I adored reading about and all of the special details. YOU did it right too 🙂
I totally agree with you, people spend way too much on weddings and sometimes they become so commercialised and not really about the people getting married. Sometimes I think when I meet the right guy for me, I’ll just have a small intimate gathering. Another romantic option I have for myself is to keep the wedding a suprise for friends and family and they call over to me and my future partner’s place and I’m wearing a simple white dress and we all eat yum food and drink nice wine for the day. Then I’ll head off with my husband on the most wonderful honeymoon ever in a deserted place. Pure heaven.
Pure Heaven. That sounds awesome. I love the way you think Susan!
I always looked forward ot the marriage as well. When planning my wedding everyone made a big deal out of how laid back I was about all the details. I kept saying because those aren’t the things that matter! Then they looked at me like I had 3 heads. Crazy people. I get you!
Crazy people is right!!! 🙂 Did you ever post your wedding on your blog, as in details from it etc? I don’t remember, but would love to have seen what you did!
thats totally why we had a low key wedding. it was intimate, special, and just a major celebration. No fru fru. Just LOVEE!
no fru fru – sounds perfect 🙂
At the same time, I really wished I got to witness your wedding day and you would have the cutest flower girl every 😉 Just saying’! Do it your way and we will love how you do it no matter what!
xo
Well NOW I would have the cutest flower girl! not THEN 😉 And that is actually really swaying…believe it or not 😉
Hi Jobo, I’ve been reading your blog for a little while and thought I’d finally say hi. Hi! *waves*
I was the last of my friends to get engaged – all are long since married and suffice it to say I was thrilled to finally be one of the “club”. But when we were planning our wedding, I realised how many truly mental things my friends saw as important to their day – fiddly tealight candle holders that hang from willow branches that had to be imported to Australia from Europe. $8,000 on photos (um, that’s 2 months’ backpacking, to me!). Expensive cars hired just so they could be in the photos (which makes even LESS sense when the wedding and reception venues arethe same place!). Horses. Invitations that cost $15 per “set”. 130 guests. You get the idea!!!
Whilst I wanted more guests than my fiance (he wanted 20, I wanted 50), I would consider that I agreed entirely with his concept that it’s about the marriage not the wedding. That’s why I was planning to do a whole lot of low-budget, low fuss things like doing my own hair and make up and making my own cake. The only thing I was willing to splurge on was the dress, and that’s because I’m 6’2″ and it’s actually really hard to find bargains off the rack! People would ask me how the planning was going and I’d say “I dunno, okay I guess. I have a dress and a celebrant and the venue is booked so as long as the groom shows up and he’s wearing pants we’re all sweet…” and then kind of vague out as I watched their heads explode.
Unfortunately we were supposed to get married this weekend just gone, but due to circumstances outside of our control it hasn’t happened and the wedding plans are on hold. But things like what we are going through REALLY hammer home that it’s about the marriage and about working on the relationship. Weddings are pretty and fun and I have loved putting it all together, but now it’s more obvious then ever that it’s about our relationship, about him and me and nothing else, and I’m honestly considering the groom’s suggestion to elope once those clouds have cleared! (shh, don’t tell him I said that…)
Aw, thanks for coming out of lurking 🙂 And for sharing your story, especially as it’s happening right now! I wish you the best of luck and hope you get the wedding you’ve been planning…or you elope and have just as much fun 🙂
Great post, friend. It is so true that people focus way too much on the day and far too many couples these days are not putting effort into the actual marriage! I got married at 27 on a lake that has a lot of meaning to us.my parents have a vacation home so we go to the hotel where we got married often. It is fun to remember the day but also To know we will go there forever. 🙂
Aw thank you! Glad you liked it and your wedding sounds AWESOME honestly! That is so great. I love lakes.
Gosh, this really hits home for me. I married my high school sweetheart and just “got married”. You know, like you’re “supposed” to. Nothing meant anything to me. And it ended up in divorce.
I’m now remarried and my 2nd wedding meant EVERYTHING to me. I got so many compliments on my wedding – it was intimate and personal and the best day of my life. Things changed when I grew up, learned what was important, and met the man of my dreams. 🙂
Oh! I love this story Heather! Thank you for reading and sharing your story. That is truly what it’s all about…grew up, learned what was important and met the man of your dreams. So happy for you!
I LOVE this post! I’m totally with you on all points on this. That’s why the more I think about marrying Stephen, the more I just want a civil ceremony and then a down home BBQ reception with our friends. I’m more looking forward to marrying my best friend and spending the rest of my life with him than spending obscene amounts of money to “prove” how much we love each other.
aw! I think that would TOTALLY suit you guys…but you would of course need to wear a super fashionable dress. just saying 😉
This is so funny – I read it and yelled “ME TOO!!!”. I love watching wedding shows (Four Weddings is my fav. then Say Yes to the Dress) — but I have NEVER envisioned my wedding. I always think about my future husband and our life, but never the day itself.I guess when I get married the things I care about will be good food, good music and a nice low-key environment! 🙂
Ha, that is so funny! It’s so true, I just never envisioned that at all, just the ‘after’ part – the good stuff, the real stuff, the life!
With you. 100%. I never imagined getting married, never planned my wedding But damn do I love me some “Say Yes to the Dress”. Now that I am getting married (and not in a 5,000 gown 😉 ) it’s sort of weird because I don’t know what I want, but hey it’s good. Getting married wasn’t something I necessarily planned on, but it all worked out. That’s how it’s supposed to be right?
Right, that’s how it is supposed to be! I love that you love Say Yes to the Dress too. It’s an odd one for me to like too, but it always freakin pulls me in!! I am so happy for you in finding love and marriage. That’s so great.
I am just getting caught up here. Like you – I never wanted to have a huge wedding and a ton of bridesmaids and all that jazz. I ended up being the last of my friends to get married – I got married at 32 – and at that point I cared even LESS about all of that. So Darren and I had a small (as in, we only invited our parents) ceremony and dinner afterwards and it was just perfect, for us. I never imagined how many people we would piss off in doing so! People to this day, almost 4 years later, still are shitty about it. For me, that only reinforces my belief that we made the right decision. People go so apeshit crazy over about weddings and you’re never going to make everyone happy so I figured – why even try? What’s the point? I don’t get it.
I also can’t stand all of the “best day of your life” hoopla. If that’s the best day of your life, what do you have to look forward to? My wedding day was a great day but Darren and I have shared so many amazing memories since then. I can’t imagine that being “it.” There is so much more to marriage than that.
Oh I LOVE how you got married Amber!! That is so perfect. And you got it right – you’re never going to make everyone happy. Absolutely not. It’s your day, do it however you want to!
Ha! I also get sucked in to that “Say Yes to the Dress” show just like I get sucked in to all those baby shows on TLC and lord knows I don’t want kids. It’s sad that people forget about the meaning behind a wedding day and get caught up in all of the hoopla. I really do believe in some sort of system where a couple should go on a weekend long marriage prep course (outside of any religious forum) before you can get your marriage license. A course where you are “forced” to open up about finances, budgeting, expectations, common goals, communication etc. I’m sure it wouldn’t help today’s divorce rate, but I do think it would be helpful.
Cosigned. I love all things girly and am always up for helping my friends plan their weddings. But, I could never justify spending as much as many people I know have (one friend spent seven figures!) for one day when so many people don’t have food or a home.
Abs-o-freakin-lutely. I will support and help any friend who wants a big wedding, but for me, cannot justify it for that reason and just because it’s just never been anything I’ve ever remotely wanted!