I actually never thought I’d write a throwback post on my wedding, but after coming across a picture from my wedding, I felt compelled to write about it…and share that picture here.
I got married on October 21, 2006 in Poipu Beach, Kauai.
(As I have said many times, I loved the location and premise behind my wedding, but doing it again, I definitely would have some family there…and on a different island, of course.)
It was a Saturday, and we had arrived two days prior, to adjust to the time difference (6 hours) and enjoy the island. It was the farthest distance I have ever traveled (still is), and one of only two times Pete and I had traveled anywhere together (Bahamas was the other place, two years prior). Looking back on our wedding/honeymoon now, it was lonely. We didn’t do a heck of a lot. We ventured out to some of the island, but we didn’t do much. We didn’t even drink much (blasphemy!!! He didn’t drink much then, and I would feel weird drinking by myself back then, so we just didn’t drink much while we were there, except for some mai tai’s with fresh pineapple). We definitely didn’t have much sex, either (not even on our wedding night…TMI? That’s ok). It honestly – thinking back- felt lonely. And a bit boring. I say this now, because it’s hard not to compare then to now, and how much more right and fun and memorable it would be…with M.
That Saturday morning, I decided to get my hair done, rather than do it myself (I remember feeling like I shouldn’t spend extra money on my hair, since we were already paying for some professional pictures and the minister…though both were actually cheap, less than $500!). I was nervous to go to the salon by myself. I remember not talking very much to the hairdresser. I was quieter then. I hated going places alone or doing things by myself. This was one of those times.
I came back to the hotel, and Pete was getting ready. He seemed nervous. I was nervous. I did my makeup. I took out my dress (a J.Crew white strapless dress) and put it on. I walked out and can’t honestly remember what Pete’s reaction was. I think we were both just nervous and not very talkative. We went outside and took some pictures outside (randomly, Pete had a childhood friend that lived on Maui, so he flew over for the day and was our witness. It was the first time I’d ever met him.). I picked a flower and put it in my hair.
We drove to meet the minister at a nearby beach. This is when I started really getting nervous. We met him – odd guy, nice, but odd – and signed the marriage license and he took us to a secluded nook, a little sandy area where sea turtles swam through the water and we were away from anyone else. This is where we said our vows – canned vows, that is, from the minister (I’d never go this route again…while the vows were fine, they weren’t my words. The one cookie cutter thing in our wedding that day). It was very brief, 10 minutes or less.
We kissed, lightly. Took some pictures, and then took more pictures around the beach and in the grassy areas. I hated having my picture taken. I hated being the center of attention (I still sort of do hate that part). And looking at the picture I found today showed that…fake, forced smile. You can tell I felt uncomfortable. Not loving the picture taking session.
And beyond that, if you look at the picture here…it doesn’t even look like me. In any way. I don’t look happy. My eyes aren’t shining. I don’t even look particularly happy. It almost feels like a foreboding…of the end of my marriage. In a weird way.
I want to keep this picture…just to remind myself of how far I’ve come, in so many ways. The me I am now is the me I always want to be. Living an amplified life.