This post was really hard to write. I almost didn’t post it. But I think it’s important to process feelings, and also just be real and transparent, so this is me, doing just that.
It is no secret that I struggle with letting go, (under) rather than OVER thinking and just being. It’s been my goal to ‘just be’ and live my life that way, yet, lately, I have had the hardest time in a very long time being content. And I am ashamed to even admit that. Especially because that inability to be content? It’s focused squarely on me. Solely.
I feel as though I have slid back into years-since-gone mental mind games. I can’t be content with me, because I won’t let myself. And I am so mad at myself for even going there and not being my own best friend. When I help my friends, clients, my sisters, even, when they are having a bad day, pull themselves out of a mental rat hole, and treat themselves as a friend, not an enemy, yet I can’t seem to do it for myself.
And then I read my beautiful blend Sarena’s post on contentment and I feel utterly humbled. Her words snapped me back into reality with a b*tchslap of perspective I needed more than I thought I did. I need to harness her words – appreciate the here and now and stop reaching so hard. WHY AM I REACHING?! I have a life I adore, yet I find the one thing that may always be (in a good way) a work in progress and fixate on it to the point of negativity. Why do I feel compelled to always be reaching, changing, doing? Reach, reach, reach.
Why can’t I just BE. Be normal. Be myself. Be free. Without second guessing. Without worrying. Without being in controlallthedamntime.
So, here I write, marking my words, I am done with this. It is not worth it. No more of the mental mind games and the guilt prison, and instead, I will embrace who I am now, not who I wish I was, or what I wish I looked like, or what I want to do more of…the here and now. ME. I worked hard become a me I am proud of, and there is no reason to tear down years of hard work and growth over mind games.