Tag Archives: living

Friday thoughts: where to go from here.

This blog has always been my haven. From the very first day I started my first blog, freshly separated, starting anew, to this blog, which I started as my ‘refresh’ and the me I am now, not defined by divorce any longer, but better for it. It’s absolutely incredible what this community has done for me, to the many ‘blends’ I have met, to those I still plan to meet and would love to meet on my ‘blend bucket list’, and what these years of documenting my life, from what I’ve learned from being single after more than a decade, to ‘learning’ how to date, and getting reacquainted with who I am again, feeling awakened, as if it were my second chance to build the life I was always too afraid to lead. And to today, I look around at my life and it is completely unfathomable that just about 5 years later, I would be married to the man I was meant to be with, really and truly, forever, after a journey that was jam-packed with healing, learning, and most importantly of all, living.

f8b3a58676fe0b316dacf02b533ce806

So now, I sit here and I wonder where to go from here. Where to take this blog and *whether* to take this blog any further. In one sense, I feel as though our marriage is the pinnacle of where I could have ever envisioned this blog to close on, but in another, I don’t know if I am ready to say goodbye and to shutter ‘Determined to Be’ forever. ¬†Thus why I’ve been so quiet, leading into our wedding and our move (besides being crazy busy!), I’ve just been thinking about what I want to do, and if I want to take it further (reading Tina’s latest post, and it’s as if our minds are in sync!). I haven’t quite decided,

So, there you have it, some thoughts on this fabulous Friday. I’m mulling over ideas this weekend as M and I seize the opportunity to ‘staycate’ during our one and only weekend this summer of zero – intentional – plans. Priorities, balance, and life…it all kinda comes together, doesn’t it?

Cheers friends ūüôā

On travels…and wow, this is really happening.

I came back from our whirlwind Northern and Southern California travels and kind of didn’t know which end was up!

From wine tastings, fabulous dinners and even a little sun, to a long-awaited epic meetup (with the beautiful Heather AND Dorry!), showing M around my work digs and well, working, it felt like quite the 7 day excursion!

A little taste of our week:

942409_10151564262831170_287925320_n 575479_10151564262881170_318069578_n 485596_10151564263291170_380816240_n 942627_10151564263241170_1345008355_n

Only to come home and realize…holy wow, this is really happening. In less than 30 days, we will move into our home that will become the next stage in our lives for as long as…who knows. The longevity and permanence, in a way, of this move is finally starting to sink in, and let me tell you, it just feels pretty incredible.

Every time I start to get overwhelmed with the thought of packing and moving, I take a step back and smile.

Every time I start to think of our future together as we continue planning  our marriage, I take a step back and smile (even bigger!).

Every time I start to think about my life and how firmly planted right where I am meant to be, I smile (the biggest).

This life has truly taught me so much over the last (almost) five years, I cannot even put into words. All I can do is continue to be grateful, continue to step back and continue to thank God for the life he has now put in front of me.

Cheers friends, have a fantastic weekend. ‚̧

 

 

On permanence and living.

As we get closer and closer to moving into our new home, I start to think more and more about the permanence of buying a new home and what it signifies, in many ways.

The first time I bought a house, I was 26/27, and the thought of living in a house for 10, 20, 30 years didn’t dawn on me. It felt like a ‘starter home’ (a phrase that seems so ancient nowadays where buying a home seems to be a much bigger deal than it used to be, when prices were dirt cheap and you could buy, just to get into the market, and not wait and wait and look and look till you find a just-right home that you can grow into and stay in for a long time).

Now, fast forward 7 years and the reality is, this home will likely be ours for the long haul. Whether that’s 10, 15, 20 years, who knows, but it is a home we *can* grow into, (possibly) start a family, and dig our heels in and really¬†live in. And that is such an incredible feeling. Yet, at the same time, it’s a little scary. In 10 years, I’ll be 43. In 15 years, I’ll be 48, In 20 years, I’ll be 53. Those numbers seem daunting. Those years seem far away, yet also fleeting. Those years also feel permanent and far away, yet thisclose, at the very same time.

I never understood what others meant when they said life goes much faster the older you get. But it is SO TRUE. Think about it. We are already into April of 2013. Wasn’t it *just* New Year’s Eve? Wasn’t it JUST summer 2012? WHERE does time go? It is fleeting.

Life is fleeting.

It is not meant to be lived in spurts. It is not meant to be lived in ‘can’t wait’ mode. It is not meant to be lived in ‘silver linings’ of the week days that sometimes drone on, while the weekends fly by. It is meant to be lived in every minute, of every day, no matter how craptastic, or how wonderful that minute, hour, day is.

Yet, I find myself constantly battling this feeling of looking forward. Can’t waiting for the many things in store for me, and for us. It’s natural to, I suppose, but at the same time, it rips me off of the hear and now. Of my mantra to just BE, this year.

So, as we move closer to our next stage in life together, in building our proverbial – and literal – home together, my vow is to really try and take in each moment, not rush, rush, rush to the next. I know I’ll falter here and there, but I think this is one of the only ways life will feel like it’s slowing down, and I am appreciating the here and now just as much as the future filled with promise, blessings and happiness.

5d370d2a3ca1b89c5a3d0eda2099a369

Becoming a reality…

In the last week or so, we’ve started quietly lifting the covers on some of the details of how we plan to marry, and it’s starting to feel so much more real than it ever has before.

…on my drive to barre n9ne today, I had a vision of how it’ll appear, and I felt as though I was literally glowing from the inside out *just* at the image in my mind of how things will unfold…

…as I shared some details with family members this weekend, and their smiles and approvals and excitement made my heart happy.¬†

…as I stare into M’s eyes and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will be the most amazing husband, and I will do my best to live up to all that *he* is to me.

…gazing at *a dress* that may be ‘it’…enough said.¬†

…choosing rings that will be ours forever.

…and imagining *this time* back when I really couldn’t imagine my life now, at a point where everything had crumbled around me. It truly takes my breath away.

My life – our lives together – is becoming a reality like I never dreamed it, and I couldn’t feel more blessed or alive.


a458d38b32273d2257758eaecd644fb1

File under: I know something you don’t know!

File also under: being vague, but I swear I’ll reveal soon ūüėČ

I posted this on Facebook today: ‘I know something you don’t know…neener, neener!’ #superstitious.¬†

It’s partially why I’ve been all quiet up in here and partially because of the ole writer’s block, in a sense too.

And without (yet) going into detail, this ‘what I know and you don’t’ was just a huge, huge reminder of two things:

never¬†underestimate¬†the people that enter your lives or why…because you truly DO meet every single person for a reason.

and

believe in God’s will and favor and in time – the right time – it will all start to fall into place.¬†

These two truths spoke loud and clear to M and me this week, as we sat on Monday evening, quietly, watching Joel Osteen speak these very words (similar to these), as we held hands, looked at each other, and just…hoped. Hoped for the goodness we so wanted…but in reverse, hoped that the goodness we wanted was also what HE wanted FOR US…but to have the faith to trust that if it was not what He wanted for us right now, it would not happen and we would need to be okay with that, to trust and know that whatever is meant to be, will be.

Well…it looks like God’s plan is yet again at work, and we feel incredibly blessed at the way our lives are playing out together, where it’s leading us, together, united. I will of course share ‘where’ this is leading us soon, but rather than hamper my thoughts on this and set them aside, I just felt the urge to chronicle them here, while in the moment, and feeling the power of Him, so greatly and powerfully.

140948663309064374_Qw7C5ltl_cI honestly feel as though my connection to God is as strong – if not stronger – than it has ever been. My personal relationship with Him, and something that M and I speak of often these days, despite slightly different views (he being Catholic, me being¬†Protestant/Congregational), it is something we both respect and it is yet another reason I fall in love with M more and more each day…his dedication to living a life of good, and ¬†leading by example, inspires me to be a better me as well. And it makes me even more excited to call him my husband…whenever that may be ūüėČ

Cheers, friends.