Tag Archives: believing

The fear of ‘too good.’

On my drive to the airport this morning (now almost seeming to feel like yesterday! long day!), I got the overwhelming fear of ‘too good.’ Of my life, at this very moment (despite my sadness at saying goodbye to M at the airport), that it feels too good. For too long. And something is bound to give.

The other shoe to drop.

The fear of ‘too good.’

I silently prayed. For safety. For M, my family…me. And for faith. To *not* fear the worst and instead, go forward thinking the best. But sometimes, it’s hard to wrap my head around ‘the best’ because I feel like my life is the best. Yes, I worked for it. Damn hard. Yes, I fought for it. Damn hard. And yes, I deserve it. Damn straight I do. But sometimes, I fear that I don’t deserve it. That something is bound to happen. That I am ‘due’ for a lesson. A tough road. A path I may not want to walk down.

Maybe it’s the fear of complacency. That fear is deep within because I became so complacent with my life, for almost a decade before I was slapped upside the head with reality .Divorce. Starting from scratch. Losing what I thought was the best life then. And little did I know all that would unfold in front of me that would blow that life out of the water.

So why do I fear it still? Is it natural? Maybe. Is it lack of faith in God, in myself, in my life? Maybe…just a little bit. And I hate to admit that, because it screams failure, weakness and lacking in faith, to its very core.

But maybe that fear is what keeps me in check. Maybe I needed to fear the worst, to worry that things were tipping towards ‘too good’ and it would now swing back. Maybe if I didn’t feel fear of the ‘other shoe to drop’ – it would drop. Because of complacency.

Or maybe, it’s a combination of complacency and checks and balances all wrapped together.  A reminder to always show gratitude, feel gratitude and say words of gratitude, too. Say I love you. More. Often. Show love, and not just take it in. And pay it forward. Go beyond words, and into action. Do more, kick complacency and challenge the premise of ‘too good’ – because as good as life is, there is always more to do, to keep it good, to make it better, to strengthen.

I’m sure I’m rambling. And it may not make a lot of sense. But writing it out, I feel better. Grateful. And faithful.

Maybe sometimes pushing away complacency and fears is by simply believing


My 6-month run challenge: week 11 and 12 (I call mercy on the treadmill)

I call mercy on the treadmill.

The last two weeks’ of this run challenge have included mostly treadmill action (but with one outdoor run last week and two planned for the rest of this week, at least!) and for the love of God, I am so sick of the treadmill.

I know what (some) of you might say. “So, run outside.” I know, I know, I conquered the fear of the cold weather running, but lately, the only time that has been realistic for running has been early morning where there is still not enough daylight for me to feel safe running outside.

Thus, treadmill.

But, let me tell you, those treadmill runs have just felt brutal the last two weeks. Every mile has been a mental push. Every game I try and play to keep my mind off the fact that I am running on the treadmill doesn’t work. See, my games go like this (unsuccessfully, mind you):

“Okay, visualize that route outside that you like to run and just imagine you are outside, smelling fresh air.”

It works for .2 seconds and then my mind goes to “OMG, the treadmill suuuucks, when is it going to be over. This is so boring, I feel like a hamster on a wheel.” 

Or, I try this:

“Okay, it’s probably 3 songs per mile, just listen to some good tunage and think about what each song conjures up for fun!” (usually that means barre n9ne, because half of the songs I listen to are from class!)

And that works for maybe a song. And then I start thinking of the hamster again. 

And finally, I try half music, half  TV, thinking it’ll break up the monotony a bit. But, nope, I just see the little clock on the damn TV and can’t believe it’s only been a minute since my eyes ventured down to take a peek.

Okay, enough bitching about the treadmill. My point is this: while I do call mercy on the treadmill and am going to try my best to get at least 2 of my 4 runs outside in coming weeks (daylight savings is coming up, right?!), I do know for a fact that it is helping my pace. I now run on the treadmill almost exactly M’s normal pace, a pace I couldn’t fathom 12 weeks ago! (6.4-6.5ish once I get nice and warmed up. vs. 5.5 from last winter!) That, to me, is huge. That, coupled with the fact that when I do get to run outside, it somehow feels easier. Not easy as in ‘oh, this is a breeze, easy” but easier as in my legs just move more fluidly. And I enjoy the run so much more than I ever did. (of course, a smidge of that could be just sheer joy at not being on the treadmill, hehe).

And, last but most importantly, I am able to run. I am strong. I am capable. That is so much more than many can say…and for that, I am truly grateful (and that little knee twinge I felt on the treadmill yesterday? I am chalking it up to the treadmill itself…stay tuned, hopefully it’s gone!).

So I am three months into my six-month run challenge and right now? I call success. I am running faster (check). I am running consistently (check). I am running longer (check! 7 mile long runs completed the last two weeks and almost every week of this challenge). And I am keeping up with the intervals (check).

So, yeah, I call mercy on the treadmill, and hope to only use it for two of my four runs a week, but otherwise, I’m feeling pretty damn good about this little challenge I concocted for myself!

And what about you? Report back! Did you conquer something you’re proud of this week? Lemme hear it 🙂

**asslap to everyone adding some sweat to their lives, no matter what form it comes in…yoga, running, walking, swimming, kickboxing, barre, you name it, it counts ;-) **