Tag Archives: authenticity

On being real.

Sometimes I find it a struggle to balance being true to myself and being real. 

Like, being a good friend…but also only surrounding myself with positivity. Which sometimes makes me feel like I’m actually being a bad friend.

Like, running to run and for fun…but then stressing about how many miles I am actually doing (not as many as I’d like) and then wondering why I even *care* how many miles if I am running for fun?

Like challenging myself physically and mentally…but then feeling myself stagnate a little and wondering if I am actually challenging myself at all these days.

Like chronicalling less…but finding myself wanting to chronicle more. About M. About life. About stuff….and then meandering back to my ‘live more’ mantra.

Being real. Sometimes its harder to balance being real with being true to myself.

Because sometimes I WANT to run a race again, but then I realize I really don’t. I just get caught up in the excitement of it.

Because sometimes I WANT to just say no to certain social gatherings and stick to my ‘less is more’ mantra when it comes to friendships, but then feel compelled to say yes because I feel obligated or guilty saying no.

Because sometimes I WANT to shout from the (proverbial) rooftops about the depth of our love is becoming, with each moment, day, week, and weekend, but then want to respect those private moments we’ve shared between just us. Because I truly believe that’s where they belong.

Because sometimes I WANT to find a new physical challenge for myself…but then also love my ‘maintenance’ routine that I’m in right now and wonder why I feel compelled to find another challenge or goal. Is it necessary? Am I shying away out of fear? Or being too type A with always challenging myself with something? I just don’t know.

I’m being real…in that I feel like I am a walking oxymoron lately. Am I the only one that has internal battles like this…all the damn time?

Why I keep my blog semi-private (and why M doesn’t read it).

I realized when I wrote about throwing M a surprise party that some of you didn’t realize that he doesn’t read my blog.

And that’s been by design.

So has keeping my blog semi-private, generally. My first blog began the same way, generally private (anonymous, mostly) but after realizing that certain people were reading it that I had never shared it with (which I realized could happen just by nature of social media and its virility anyway), I started this blog. And used a different username. And decided to continue with it being more private than most. And decided that I would continue to not actively share it with M. Or post it on Facebook. Or post it on  my public Twitter. And keep my Twitter that is tied to this blog protected (even though I know it can still be found and the link is on there, my protected tweets are more so I can say whatever I want and not worry my employer, for example, will see it and some of the random, sometimes TWSS-ish tweets!)

It’s not like I don’t show M some of my posts. Because I do. Remember when I shared my story with him? That was a powerful moment. And whenever I do choose to share a post with him, it’s with intent. Because sometimes what I write about are things we have yet to discuss (but eventually do actually discuss…like my ‘on marriage’ series. We had such a good conversation about it last night. I love when we get into deep conversations. It’s…sexy). He respects why I keep it to myself. He doesn’t try to dig. He reads if I share it with him, but won’t even look over my shoulder as I am writing. He ‘gets’ it.

But, keeping my blog semi-private (I say semi because I am realistic in knowing that it’s still easily found and I know people that I may have wanted to ‘lose’ from my old readership have probably found it again. But ignorance is bliss, isn’t it?) has some downfalls, too. Sometimes I get frustrated that I go through dry spells where it seems as though what I am saying is just not resonating (when in reality, I just simply have a smaller audience by nature of semi-privacy and protected tweets!). It’s not like I need a zillion hits on my blog to keep me going, I just look forward to reading others’ perspectives, viewpoints, advice etc. Don’t we all? And sometimes, I DO want to share some of my posts on Facebook. Ones about barre n9ne, or running, all of the non-super-personal ones. (that’s usually when I choose to guest blog for my sister’s blog or anyone else’s that I may do it for on occasion).

So, while I intentionally choose to keep my blog semi-private, there are some downsides to it. But it’s all worth it. Because it allows me freedom to write as I please, not worry about an audience so much, and continue to share my deeper personal beliefs, experiences and learnings…post-divorce, from running, from life, and from my job.

My blog is my haven. It’s where I feel free. It’s where I can be the most authentic me. And isn’t that what blogging is all about in the first place?