Anticipation

I feel like I’ve gone through this week with a cloud of anticipation hovering ever so slightly above my head. And all because of my next work trip on Sunday. It’s the biggie, the annual sales kick off, as I’ve mentioned before, and I guess I just keep worrying that I’ll regress back to last year and let fear take over, rather than let fear fuel me, instead.

I’ve let this cloud of anticipation hover over everything this week.

My runs, for example. While I’ve had a few good ones (6, 5 and 5 intervals), I’ve woken up extremely tired, as if I didn’t sleep at all (probably because I’ve also been dreaming of said work trip. Sigh), and my legs have felt like lead. And I have been fighting off what feels like the start of a cold (I think I may have beaten it though, with lots of emergen-c, tea and water! Fingers crossed!), so that hasn’t helped the heavy, draggy feeling either.

Even my date night in with M on Wednesday felt different. I wasn’t feeling great. He wasn’t either. We did, however, enjoy dinner together, and laid on the couch wrapped up, in silence much of the time. Just being. But my mind still wandered for awhile. As hard as I tried to turn it off, it was an internal battle to just enjoy the moments with him, not jump ahead to this day next week (Weds), when I will be red-eye-ing it home, not having date night in. We ended our night feeling connected again, however, so all was not lost. I just wish I didn’t let so much of the night slip past before realizing what I was doing.

I let the cloud of anticipation cloud over things that should be enjoyable. And it frustrated the hell out of me this week.

But if I keep allowing the anticipation be of the fearful kind, how am I supposed to transition that to fuel and courage? 

By looking back at my reminders post. By looking back at the year I’ve had. By looking inside myself and seeing the strength, courage, and capabilities I have gained this year.

I am writing this post today so I remind myself the next time the cloud of anticipation tries to take me over and take over moments that should be enjoyable, with the forethought of the pending trip ahead. I am at the point where I am trying to psyche myself up for it, because I know once I am there, I will enjoy it. I will mingle. I will enjoy seeing my colleagues, some of whom I have not seem in many months or even all year.

I can do this. I have to do this. No more anticipating. I’m ready. I have to be. And I am. 

And in the meantime, I have an (abbreviated) weekend to enjoy the shit out of, right?

 

Learning to live together: listening

**The third in my little series on learning to live with M together. I will write these as the thoughts cross my mind**

For as much time as M and I spent together before we moved in together, what I am amazed at is the things that I learn and understand more about M just by listening.

Listening as he’s on the phone with his boss about a patient, or during a phone call with a nursing home about a page, or even to his parents chatting about the day’s events.

Listening as he mutters something about a work frustration, or stress over the next deliverable for his project.

All things I’ve of course listened to or talked to him about previously, but something about the day in and day out of it that has given me a new understanding and appreciation for M as a person. His character, his habits, his drive.

What I appreciate and learn most about listening and learning about the things that weigh on his mind is figuring out how to apply what I am hearing to getting him to open up about it, or just proactively talking about whatever it is that I can tell is on his mind.

And you know what? It’s really working! I feel as though these conversations are bringing us closer together in a way that I wasn’t expecting as a result of living together. And I appreciate that and value that so incredibly much.

For example, the other night, M was talking about some frustrating behaviors at work, where there aren’t a lot of standard processes for certain tasks as the day nears the end. Such as returning phone calls to patients. Which usually falls to him, but can sometimes be handled by his medical assistants. When he was put into a tough spot with a patient that didn’t get a call back in a timely manner (since he was back to back with patients all day), I suggested maybe he should proactively put a process in place (given he does have some seniority amongst his peers) and to share his idea with his boss (his review is coming up!) and move forward with it. Show the leadership he has in him. Demonstrate authority that he is capable of.  Move beyond being the ‘nice guy’ all the time (which isn’t a bad thing, but when you start getting walked on, it is) mode and move into the leadership role his boss is cultivating for him.

It was such a good conversation between us and it really got us into quite a dialogue on it that was so valuable to the both of us. At the end of the conversation, he gave me a hug and told me how much he valued these conversations and how much he loved that we could connect on this level. And for me? That meant the world, because we are cultivating such a deep relationship and at its core, a friendship too. And, he is opening up…something that was such a struggle for me to accept, because he wouldn’t open up and just felt that he shouldn’t cast his worries on me (which I never saw it that way, but he felt very strongly about).

It’s just amazing at what small tweaks and a mindset change can do to change behaviors, isn’t it? My learning the ability to allow him to open up at his own pace and he actually starting to well, open up and talk through things, rather than let them fester in his brain. I haven’t seen that ‘million miles away” look in his face in a long time. And that makes my heart happy.

Opening up.

I think it’s working. Ever so slowly.

Allowing M to open up to me at his own pace.

Allowing him to feel what he feels and keep it to himself if he needs to, until he’s ready to talk about it.

…and if he’s not, I am learning to be okay with that.

ALLOWING and detaching with LOVE.

~~

When he does open up, I get such a window into his soul and the way he thinks and the motivation for what he does and truly how he feels about certain things.

The other night, I could sense that his mood was a little off. I asked if he was okay, and he said he was fine and so we moved on from that (and I didn’t nag or keep asking). The next day, he called me and mentioned he was in a bad mood (to which I replied, if THAT is your bad mood, you’d really hate to see my bad mood. Hehe. Seriously, he’s a peach even when he’s in a bad mood!), and then it all came tumbling out. An argument with his dad over something. Snowballed into his frustrations for how much of a giver of himself he is, financially and personally. (which he totally is) to his family and close friends when in time of need. But when he asks for help…the one time? Crickets.

It makes being so selfless and giving feel thankless.

And for him to feel that way, given how generous he is and how caring he is to those around him frustrated me *for* him. And it’s one of the biggest reasons why I love him so much. For his generosity, financially and personally. And on the flip-side, how financially responsible he really is. Like no other I have ever seen (and coming from being with my ex who had thousands in credit card debt that I knew nothing about until after we bought a house, this is a huge thing for me…but I digress). He anticipates, he saves, he invests. But he isn’t frugal, either.  It’s really a good balance and I respect what he’s built for himself and it gives me the motivation I need to take and keep control of my own finances (okay, wow this post is going on a tangent, but I promise, it all relates!).

Just talking about his frustrations and then getting into more of a philosophical discussion about working towards a life that allows for less financial worry and more freedom to do things like go on a trip on a whim (and not charge it), or be at a point in life where you are building up financial security, not struggling to find it.

Talking through his frustrations and getting into a conversation like that just sort of blew me away. Because it gave me a window into his soul, and he for once began sharing his feelings and emotions on different aspects of his life that he never has before. It made me realize that while I absolutely know how he feels about me, us, and our future, I didn’t know how he feels about certain things in his life, beyond that.

And now I do.

And it’s one more reason why I am feeling extra close to him today.

And one more reason why I miss him like whoa, as he’s in Vegas at a conference this week.  (but secretly, I am thankful I am not the one traveling for once, and even more excited that when I see him next, we’ll be meeting at the airport in NYC, ready to celebrate one of my closest divorced friends weddings…she is living proof that it can happen! <-wow, another tangent!).

Learning to allow and detach with love.

I’m continuing to struggle with M’s lack of openness when he’s had a rough day at work. It happened earlier this week, and it happened again last night (and another time, like here).

He greeted me at the door with flowers – swoon – for our ‘almost’ 8 months [insert mush alert!] – and was busily creating a delicious meal (low fat turkey meatballs made with ground turkey breast. Side note – he has begun cooking more towards me lately, less oil, less fat, it’s really quite wonderful…not that the meals he created before weren’t delish or like, super fattening, but he has a heavy hand with that olive oil!). He seemed in good spirits until I asked how his day was.

Then his mood shifted a bit and he was tense.  And I knew. He had another bad day and didn’t want to talk about it. I tried every which way to get him to open up. I’d ask in different ways. For example, his boss called him after dinner (M was on call last night, and sometimes his boss will call to check in) and I used that to ask, covertly ‘your boss called? what about?’ (*sneaky* so I thought). Fail. All attempts to get him to open up failed. He just plain didn’t want to talk about it. I started getting really frustrated and it was making me sad because I am a fixer, I wanted to fixfixfix and make him feel better, make the bad day vibes go away.

But I couldn’t.

But I wanted to.

And I was fixated on it, even though I tried NOT to be.

Later that night, when laying in bed, I tried to bring it up again, but gently. He apologized for being out of sorts part of the night and said that sometimes he just ‘gets down on himself.’ I told him that I wished he would talk to me and share what he is feeling and I just want to help. That’s all I want. I want him to be happy and know he can vent and not internalize so much. He told me that he would talk to me if he needed to, but that I already do so much for him and his life and have made him feel like the luckiest man in the world. (swoon) As much as I love hearing him say those things and know how much he means them, his opening up to me would mean so much.I told him that I felt like he was putting up a wall when he doesn’t talk to me when something is bothering him (that is bothering him unrelated to us, that is).

He told me he isn’t putting up a wall. I told him that it’s not that I think he is really putting up a wall but that’s how it comes across. I just wanted him to know, from my standpoint, what that felt like.

But why?

Why do I feel like I need him to tell me what’s bothering him? If it’s clear that he needs to decompress and figure his own shit out by himself, why do I keep pushing this? What works for me (sharing and fixing) doesn’t work for everyone. Nor is my way the *right* way necessarily, either.

I’m finding that I’m really not good at allowing him to have these feelings…these unknown feelings to me, these feelings that I just want to know and help fix.

Truth is, I can’t fix what is bothering him, nor should I feel like I have to.

It’s just part of who I am. I am a fixer. I do these things because it makes me feel like I’m helping. Like I’m being supportive. I fixfixfix.

But by constantly asking and re-asking and nudging him to open up isn’t going to make him open up. It’s not supporting him in his desire to figure his own shit out.

As T aptly said to me today. I need to ALLOW and DETACH WITH LOVE.

That is an entirely foreign concept to me.

I simply do not know how to do that.

I don’t know how to let him be to figure it out. To detach.

But loving him is worth learning how. Because he is worth learning how.

I think we’re entering another phase of our relationship, and while I know it will have some challenges and frustrations, it will be worth it. I am learning so much about myself, him, what our relationship is and stands for.

I will allow this. And detach…with love.

(Thank you T for such an inspiring g-chat conversation the last couple of days. Really couldn’t have come at a better time).

Allowing love.

In the last few days, I finally feel like I am allowing love, 100% of the time.

It sounds simple. It sounds easy. It sounds like a n0-brainer. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Love happens.

But sometimes, it is truly easier said than done (Marathon’s Mistress says it well in this recent post). Don’t get me wrong, I have known I loved M for almost as long as he told me he loved me last fall, but there was part of me that wasn’t fully allowing that love to happen. But something snapped in me last week when I saw M during the week for dinner. It was this pull, this need to be near him, to show him I absolutely love him, to accept and allow how much he loves me, too.It was then that I realized in every movement, in every thought, and in every action, he is on my mind, he is who I want to be with for as long as we are meant to be together, he is the man I was meant to meet and fall in love with.

I’m not scared.

I’m not railing against it.

I’m not struggling to find balance.

I’m not worrying how he feels about me, or what he’s thinking.

I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m happy.

I’m in love.

I’m hopeful for our future together.

And, I’m at peace with where I am, in the here and now.

Almost five years since I got married to the man I thought I was meant to be with forever…I know, without a shadow of a doubt, my life has led me to M, as the man that was meant for me, far more than I ever imagined.

~~

Another reason I know that I’m head over heels in love with M?

I cried this morning when I said goodbye, as I head out to Costa Mesa this afternoon for my next week-long trip. I haven’t really cried when I’ve left for my last few trips, with him, even though I was sad to say goodbye. This felt different. My heart ached. I was sad. I wanted to hug him  and never let go. I wanted to sink into him and just be.

Allowing love.