Lessons in patience…and pausing.

One of the biggest things I noticed during my LASEK recovery and what felt like the never-ending recovery was how little patience and ability to slow the hell down I really have in me. For as much as I talk about it, for as much as I try to do it, to slow down, to be more patient, to just BE, I felt like I was ramming my head against a brick wall every single day.

(BTW I’m at 20/40, folks!! Should be 20/20 by my next appointment in less than two weeks, if not already. Can I get a big woohoo on that?! 20/40 *feels* like 20/20 right now, since I don’t think I have ever seen crisply even with a prescription, so 20/20 should blow my ever-living mind…side note).

It was a huge shock – why, I am not sure, I kind of knew I was semi-impatient before (LOL) – at just how much I railed against allowing the process, embracing un-routine and just going with the flow. I know that I just generally am not that good at going with the flow and while I am working on that area, I know I will never be one of those people that truly *is* a go with the flow-er (yes, I just made up a word…), and just want to get better at it, than trying for ‘my way or the highway’ all the time.

So, I’ve vowed to take a step back. To pause, think, reset, and let patience settle in, which then, does help me roll with things a little bit more than I have in the past.

An example? My in-laws – who are fantastic, by the way, and just the nicest, most caring, giving people I have ever met – are the type that ‘just stop by’ unannounced. I am completely and utterly unprepared for the ‘drop in’ visit. I like to plan. I like to be prepared. I like to be a good hostess. So when a ‘drop by’ happens, I tend to freak out. Like, a lot. And M doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t consider them ‘company’ as they are his parents, of course, but to me, anyone that comes over is ‘company’ in the sense that I want to be prepared, presentable, and ready for anyone that may stop by.

But it is something I realize I need to roll with more. Because it is their nature. And quite frankly, it is a good quality, and a caring one.

So when this past Monday, they came by, three hours ahead of our planned visit and dinner, I started to freak out. I was about to get frustrated. I was about to run around in a tizzy ‘preparing.’ But instead, I took a step back, I took a breath, and calmed down. Like, seriously, is it really the worst thing in the world that my in-laws, who care for me and me for them, came by early? No. Not in the slightest. So, I used it as a chance to learn to ‘host’ while preparing for dinner. Chatting and multi-tasking. And you know what? It turned out to be a really good visit and dinner and I am glad I didn’t ruin it for myself, for M, or for my in-laws by stewing in frustration inside.

All I can do is try to keep making subtle changes, and choose to react differently. Choose to not react instantly, but to pause first, then think/act/speak.

And along with this goal? This sentiment…don’t try to be perfect, just try to be better than yesterday. Yes, a million times yes. 

On being quiet and hanging on to faith.

Sometimes I feel as though I am a bit of an oversharer and it has gotten me into trouble in the past.

Trouble, as in mentally.

Talking up a run, or a race (in the distant past!), or something I want to do.

And putting pressure on myself (my own doing!) that I just don’t need.

Trouble, as in emotionally. 

Talking about life plans, or M, or changes in life that I may not be quite ready to talk about.

When sometimes, it’s best to share these things *after* they’ve happened, or after you’ve achieved a milestone or accomplished that goal.

Now is one of those times in my life – and M’s life – that I feel the need to be quiet. 

To not disclose a lot of the transitions we are going through right now (they’re all good, don’t worry!), to put unnecessary pressure on myself, or on us, to ‘perform’ – if that makes sense. To live our life right now, learn with each other, grow with each other, continue our paths towards faith together, and well…keep it at that. Between us.

(I’m guessing this vagueness may cause some eyebrow raises or questions or emails, but honestly, I just need to keep my life and my brain as uncluttered and as focused as possible right now, and as much as I want to gab on about the goodness, the grace, the will, and the path right now, I just think it’s best saved for the thrill in the surprise when all is said and done. Doesn’t everyone like surprises? I appreciate the respect for privacy and support, nonetheless, however, as always!))

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This leads me to faith. I talk about it a lot. I advise it a lot, to my sisters, my family, M, friends, etc.

But when it comes to me latching on and believing in faith? Sometimes I am really bad at believing in faith. In believing that what’s meant to be will be. Trusting that life is happening the way it is meant to.

Today was one of those days.

And as much as I wanted to not get my hopes up, and not let myself believe…it was too late. And when the letdown came, it was hard. I immediately got upset, I got teary, I got frustrated. And M’s first reaction? “That just means God has bigger things in store for us, don’t worry.” 

*blink*

What can I even say to that except to feel incredibly blessed to have a man in my life, a man I will be with forever, utter the words I needed to hear at that very minute and for those words to come out of his mouth?

Speechless.

Another example came this weekend, when seeing my grandparents and spending some time together and realizing that while they are both in very good health, my gram at 89 and my gramp at 85, they are…old. And in a sense, it may just be a matter of time, and with life being so fleeting, it just sort of sunk in, that while yes, I am again incredibly blessed to have such healthy grandparents, and such a close relationship with them, it’s far too easy to take that for granted too. And scary to think of the inevitable.

But it just leads back to faith. Being at peace with what life brings us, and takes us, and God’s plan for us all.

That feeling of peace washed over me, as M and I discussed my fears over their health, on our drive home, and again today, with that text I really needed to read.

Sometimes I need a giant rope to help me hang on to faith for dear life, and other times, faith feels as though it surrounds me. Now is a time where my faith may be tested a fair amount, but with the support of a man I can’t thank God enough for, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that that faith will hold strong, Now. And forever.

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Pardon my meandering post today, and somewhat vagueness. To some, this may make sense, to others, it may not. But either way, sometimes you just gotta get out what’s on the mind, and tonight’s one of those nights. Cheers, friends.

Quietly.

Quiet…

Quietly contemplative. 

About my (fitness) journey and feeling on the cusp of change and growth..as I face PT for my bum knee (that – side note – plays mind games with me because it feels a-ok all the time…except when I run, making me think it’s not injured. #mindgameslikewhoa), knowing I may be on a bit of a hiatus from running and what that’ll mean when I can get back to it. How can I head into it stronger? How can I use this time wisely, to cross train, to strengthen, and, begrudginly, to rest. In a way, it excites me to think of facing running stronger and more focused than ever. I have some ideas on how I envision it, and how I plan to make that a reality. Stronger, better, happier running? Yes, please.

Quietly confident. 

As I gazed in the mirror during a fabulous day o’ beauty with my sis Jess, and I looked at the jeans I was wearing (in the smallest size I’ve ever worn) and in a tank that I used to shy away from, more fitted, less forgiving, I smiled quietly to myself. It feels good to well, feel good. 

As I faced an evening where there would be some ‘trigger’ foods or environment where I might fear overdoing it. Yet, I didn’t. I felt good, satisfied, and not stuffed.

As I walk into the barre n9ne studio, among my fellow instructors for a photo shoot (pictures to come! can’t wait to share some!), where comparision-itis could set in…yet, didn’t. Because I realized – we all have our strengths. We are unique in our own ways. Don’t wish for something you aren’t or won’t be, embrace who you are, instead.

As I realize I don’t need to shout it from the rooftops or be front and center. I don’t need attention. I am just…quietly confident. It suits me. It is who I am. 

Quietly inspired(ing). 

By my family, by my sisters, by M. They inspire me each and every day. With an act, a statement, or something they are going through.

And inspiring…in my own way. Without even realizing it. And when I finally do? Inspired right back, by paying it forward, in this happy, fit life.

I’m feeling quiet today…but in the most inspired, contemplative and confident way. Not sure how else to explain it, but it’s just a good feeling. It’s BEing. Really and truly.

Happy Sunday, friends. Cheers.

Sometimes, you prioritize.

Sometimes, you prioritize.

…when you sleep in slightly before teaching (nursing a sick M back to health with extra cuddles? sign me up) rather than squeezing in some much-missed running. Because, sometimes you priorize, and a sick love is more important than an extra 30 mins of cardio any day.

…when you schedule a barre ‘fitdate’ (with this girl!), sign up to (finally) take a class ‘as homework,’ or simply need a ‘me’ hour at the barre and *again* nix running, you prioritize. Because sometimes you remind yourself – again – that quality trumps quantity and one rushed run won’t be any better (or any good at all!) than one, strong ‘comeback’ run another day instead.

I am continually a student in this quest for balance between my own workouts, the workouts I teach at the studio, and making sure I create the right mix for myself that is smarter, not harder and not doing something ‘just’ to do it, or because I planned to do it. I vow to prioritize, learn to embrace flexibility and that one less run, workout, etc, won’t be a dealbreaker. Prioritize. 

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…when you choose to answer that phone call from your sister even if your hands are in the middle of making dinner, because if it’s a call, it’s usually important. To then be greeted by a FaceTime chat with the most beautiful niece in the world? The right priority, at the right time. Especially when you say ‘I love you!’ and she says’ wuv ooo!’ and you melt into a trillion pieces. ❤

…when you choose to clear the decks of and all weekday plans (even if that means also midweek date night in) for sister dinner, because sisters sometimes trump *even* that midweek bit of ‘us’ time I love so much, because my sisters are my soul, and sometimes the need to be together is even stronger, and right now is one of those times. Sisters unite. Forever. ❤

…when you (sadly) realize how much less you prioritized sisterhood for a good portion of 2012, and never want to feel that regret again.

It’s hard to admit when you don’t prioritize something you actually really do feel is one of the most important things *to* prioritize. But I did for a bit. Life got so busy and something had to give, and it ended up being sisters, and well, the wrong thing to ‘let’ give. Not going to happen again. I promise, sisters.

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I never realized how rigid I can actually be sometimes when it comes to my schedule and my routine. I thought I had squashed the rigidity when it comes to my routine (I have, to an extent) but in letting that go a little bit and taking a step back to prioritize, it’s already feeling like a wonderful, empowering, and happy change. In my quest to BE this year, which also includes being balanced, prioritizing has, and will continue to be, a huge way for me to BE the best I can be, for myself, my sisters my (future) husband, and all of those around me, from friends, to clients, to co-workers.

Because sometimes, you prioritize. And it’s always, ALWAYS worth it.

2012…the highlights reel.

I almost didn’t write this post, because it is SO hard for me to wrap up a year that was truly one of the best years of my life, but I thought a fun post in ‘highlight reel’ fashion would be a fun way to recap some fun moments.

2012 in highlights:

 I unseated comfort zones, from work, to running, to becoming certified in barre n9ne

I traveled, traveled, traveled (to wine country, Mexico, and the Bahamas)

I experienced an unforgettable wedding

I lived the shit out of Maine, lakation-style

Met blog friends in Atlanta, Chicago Austin, AND Maine ‘bloggy meet-up’ style

I spent more time with my family and sisters, and the most beautiful niece in the world

And the biggest highlight of 2012 most certainly has to be when M asked me to marry him ❤

2012 is a year that I lived, loved, and played hard…a year I truly lived the shit out of. And 2013? I’m coming for you, like whoa. Happy New Year, friends, and thank you all for sharing this year with me, it’s truly been a blessed, gratitude-filled year. ❤

the amazing Lindsay Cotter – a beautiful soul, to say the least! (cottercrunch)

Being goofy with snotty wine faces at Mesa 😉

Showering my niece in the girliest of girly clothes, and she *had* to model them for us. She is *such* a girl! ❤

It was incredibly weird, but SO cool to hear Christmas music and see Christmas trees while in the tropics!

Capturing some moments from summer this weekend, complete with laying in the grass, watching the stars (summer bucket list item, check!) and gorgeous blue moon with besties!

The most breathtaking sunset on the lake that I’ve ever seen.

b9 love…picture taking fun at the beach this weekend (for a contest at the studio!). so so fun!

A trip to wine country that will never be forgotten…perhaps another in our (near?) future? Must.

Group picture at one of our favorite wineries, Field Stone. <3!

*more* dockside fun. ❤

Lots of niece time, niece pics and soon enough, her SECOND birthday!

Wine, wine and uh, more wine? 😉

…capped with a surprise run-in with my sister Jen, my mom (Isabel’s ‘mimi!’ She is absolutely in LOVE with my mom these days, love!) at the beach, playing, watching her ‘clean’ up the beach of seaweed (she loves to clean, just like her aunties!)

Fast forward to Saturday, waking up with oh, a titch of a hangover (that lasted me almost all day, damn!), and finally working up the nerve to have a glass of wine (#hairofthedog!) after an afternoon shopping on Newbury, just flitting around, no schedule. The best!

Theme of the night? “That third bottle of champagne…was it *really* necessary?” <-apparently I was the one that egged THAT on with Jess and Scott and M following suit!

Momma Sunshine, Canadian Bald Guy, T! This was the most epic bloggy meetup in Maine EVER!

Because my expression cracks me up, caught in a half laugh at Williamson, one of our hands-down favorites, during the most delicious wine and food pairing (duck, lasagna, and meatball bites were utter perfection). We ended up buying oh, 8 bottles here! Oops! 😉

On our last day at Hop Kiln, where they serve warm crusty rolls along with a variety of delicious cheeses, spreads (the sundried tomato pesto is sinful!) and meats.

The quintessential wine snobs picture – I think I win this round, don’t you think?

M as the ‘little man’ at the table, sitting on a lower stool than the rest of us ‘looking up’ at me. Hysterical.

Lobster rolls! We got these twice because they were that.damn.good.

This picture cracks me up – also from the epic Maine bloggy meetup, Twister FTW!

I ❤ my sisters!

Meeting Lee (In My Tummy) and Tina Reale (who I met AGAIN at the Chicago Marathon!)

Jess and I in our super fabulous barre n9ne attire (oh, how I adore pink!)

I have always wanted to see this!

Capturing some family shots. I LOVE the picture I captured of my dad gathering Isabel up into a giant ‘dad hug’ and kiss.

Views were incredible.

Wine tasting fun, and a photo bomb from my brother in law 😉

Sweaty sister runs (and many many with M!), how I love thee.

Sisters having *far* too much fun enjoying aforementioned champagne, and a late night, 12:30 am! #whoarewe

The holidays wouldn’t even be complete without some fitdates with besties and my ‘kindred’ Meaghan, and lots and lots of barre n9ne action!