Here’s the thing about planning.
I’m really good at it.
When I overplan myself.
When I plan something without bothering to consult with M…and it involves him (wouldn’t be so bad and overplanner of me if I had at least filled him in first, no?).
When I plan my day, my workouts, my eats. <-no seriously, I AM good at this, all joking aside hehe.
When I plan myself into a corner and don’t enjoy a damn thing I planned because I am so overplanned.
See? I’m really good at planning.
(insert hint of sarcasm here).
This is why I am trying to UNplan as much as possible these days. To simplify. To allow for presence. Growth. Change. Progress.
But, here’s the thing.
I’ll fill you in on a little secret.
Despite how much of a planner I am, I actually hate planning.
At least planning one thing. Marrying M. (notice I didn’t say ‘a wedding?’)
It’s no secret that we both want something small. Personal. As un-wedding-like as possible (but with a few frills, because let’s face it, I am somewhat of a girlie girl deep down).
But what that *is* has been so hard to figure out. And balance with what our families may want. What our friends may want. But ultimately? It goes back to what WE want. And whenever I sit down to talk about ideas, with M, with my sisters, with some friends, I end up all over the place.I get anxious. I stress. I think I want one thing. And then I think I want another. And then I start to go down a path with one idea and realize there’s far too much planning involved and with each step, it’s becoming something unrecognizable, something in my heart that I don’t want. And then I am back to square one.
And that makes me realize one thing: if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Being uber planned for this, marrying the man truly of my dreams, makes me want to go screaming for the hills (with M in tow, of course). So what’s the point??
So what does this rambling mean? Well. I am truthfully not sure.
Except for one thing.
I think I – we – need to do what is set in our hearts and disregard the opinion and wishes of everyone except for what we want. And that may sound selfish in a way, I think marriage and the way in which you celebrate uniting your lives together is such a personal one. And one that I don’t want to do in a way that appeases everyone, that is ‘everything to everyone’…except for us, except for what we want. So for the first time, I am relinquishing the ‘planner’ inclination in me, I am not going to rail against it anymore, and I am just going to follow my heart. We will do this the way we envision, taking no opinion into consideration except for our own.
Because, let’s face it, at the end of the day? When it comes down to it? It’s our day. And whatever form it takes shape as, it’ll scream US. And that’s all that matters. Whenever that may be 😉 All I know for sure is this: I an embracing the current season of my life and while I ‘can’t wait’ to officially unite our lives together, as M reminded me this morning as he wrapped his arms around me? ‘we already are married, as far as I am concerned. I promise to love you forever and never let you down.’