I realized when I wrote about throwing M a surprise party that some of you didn’t realize that he doesn’t read my blog.
And that’s been by design.
So has keeping my blog semi-private, generally. My first blog began the same way, generally private (anonymous, mostly) but after realizing that certain people were reading it that I had never shared it with (which I realized could happen just by nature of social media and its virility anyway), I started this blog. And used a different username. And decided to continue with it being more private than most. And decided that I would continue to not actively share it with M. Or post it on Facebook. Or post it on my public Twitter. And keep my Twitter that is tied to this blog protected (even though I know it can still be found and the link is on there, my protected tweets are more so I can say whatever I want and not worry my employer, for example, will see it and some of the random, sometimes TWSS-ish tweets!)
It’s not like I don’t show M some of my posts. Because I do. Remember when I shared my story with him? That was a powerful moment. And whenever I do choose to share a post with him, it’s with intent. Because sometimes what I write about are things we have yet to discuss (but eventually do actually discuss…like my ‘on marriage’ series. We had such a good conversation about it last night. I love when we get into deep conversations. It’s…sexy). He respects why I keep it to myself. He doesn’t try to dig. He reads if I share it with him, but won’t even look over my shoulder as I am writing. He ‘gets’ it.
But, keeping my blog semi-private (I say semi because I am realistic in knowing that it’s still easily found and I know people that I may have wanted to ‘lose’ from my old readership have probably found it again. But ignorance is bliss, isn’t it?) has some downfalls, too. Sometimes I get frustrated that I go through dry spells where it seems as though what I am saying is just not resonating (when in reality, I just simply have a smaller audience by nature of semi-privacy and protected tweets!). It’s not like I need a zillion hits on my blog to keep me going, I just look forward to reading others’ perspectives, viewpoints, advice etc. Don’t we all? And sometimes, I DO want to share some of my posts on Facebook. Ones about barre n9ne, or running, all of the non-super-personal ones. (that’s usually when I choose to guest blog for my sister’s blog or anyone else’s that I may do it for on occasion).
So, while I intentionally choose to keep my blog semi-private, there are some downsides to it. But it’s all worth it. Because it allows me freedom to write as I please, not worry about an audience so much, and continue to share my deeper personal beliefs, experiences and learnings…post-divorce, from running, from life, and from my job.
My blog is my haven. It’s where I feel free. It’s where I can be the most authentic me. And isn’t that what blogging is all about in the first place?