I’ve been debating a new mini-series on my blog. On the topic of marriage. For some reason, lately (as in, the last couple of months), I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage (and this recent engagement of the most lovely couple ever continues to spark my thinking!), . Like, a very lot. Sometimes even daily. I wonder when M will propose…and sometimes even *if* he will propose. I wonder why I have such a pull towards it (lately). I wonder why I’m so stuck on it. And I wonder why I *want* to get married, ideally, in the next year.
Why, why, why?
Why does it matter?
For those of you that really know me…you know weddings and all the ‘stuff’ around it is really not my style. So to be thinking this much about marriage and everything just feels so different for me, anyway. Foreign, almost. And when talking to my sister Jess about it this week, she asked me this question:
“Why do you want to get married…why do you want him to propose this year? Does it really matter?”
And honestly, at first, I was stumped. Speechless. Had no idea what my answer was.
I just…do. I feel as though we both clearly know we are meant for each other, we are so perfectly matched in every possible way, without a shadow of a doubt, he is the man I want to be my husband. And maybe that’s enough of an answer. Maybe it just means I am ready.
And maybe a part of me feels as though we are just slightly incomplete without being married. One of the biggest things I missed about being married was the completeness of it, the safety, the unity of it. And I no longer feel like we are still learning each other, that we are still ‘getting to know’ we each other wants, in each other, in a marriage, as (future) possible parents, in a life…together. I know exactly what he wants. He knows exactly what I want. And it’s the same damn thing. So what’s stopping us from making it happen?
And a small part of me feels like it is validation…and this is the one that really confuses me. Last night, for some reason, a wave of worry flooded over me. I wondered if perhaps living with me and seeing my ‘true colors’ had started to drive M away. That seeing that I can be moody, that I am uber picky about tidiness and what I eat etc., were driving him away from me, not towards me. After a long conversation, where M assuaged my fears and told me that he loves me more every day just a little bit more than the day prior (swoon…), I felt the connection and validation again. The validation I was searching for. But. Why do I still feel that getting engaged and married is the validation I really need and want? (and do I need it or do I just want it? And does it matter if I want it more than *need* it?)
(can you see how my mind is going in a zillion directions and just won’t settle?!)
So maybe I need to explore my thoughts on marriage. On why I want it. On what it signifies. On what I want out of it. Because I sure as hell didn’t know what I wanted out of it the first time, when I really dig deep and look at it. I just simply didn’t. And the last thing I’d want to do going into another marriage (if/when <–see, there I go again! doubting!), is to go into it not knowing what I want it to look like.
Love like this may come once
Baby it’s fate like a soul mate
He’s your penguin…
And in the end, you’ll have your best friend.