I feel like I’ve gone through this week with a cloud of anticipation hovering ever so slightly above my head. And all because of my next work trip on Sunday. It’s the biggie, the annual sales kick off, as I’ve mentioned before, and I guess I just keep worrying that I’ll regress back to last year and let fear take over, rather than let fear fuel me, instead.
I’ve let this cloud of anticipation hover over everything this week.
My runs, for example. While I’ve had a few good ones (6, 5 and 5 intervals), I’ve woken up extremely tired, as if I didn’t sleep at all (probably because I’ve also been dreaming of said work trip. Sigh), and my legs have felt like lead. And I have been fighting off what feels like the start of a cold (I think I may have beaten it though, with lots of emergen-c, tea and water! Fingers crossed!), so that hasn’t helped the heavy, draggy feeling either.
Even my date night in with M on Wednesday felt different. I wasn’t feeling great. He wasn’t either. We did, however, enjoy dinner together, and laid on the couch wrapped up, in silence much of the time. Just being. But my mind still wandered for awhile. As hard as I tried to turn it off, it was an internal battle to just enjoy the moments with him, not jump ahead to this day next week (Weds), when I will be red-eye-ing it home, not having date night in. We ended our night feeling connected again, however, so all was not lost. I just wish I didn’t let so much of the night slip past before realizing what I was doing.
I let the cloud of anticipation cloud over things that should be enjoyable. And it frustrated the hell out of me this week.
But if I keep allowing the anticipation be of the fearful kind, how am I supposed to transition that to fuel and courage?
By looking back at my reminders post. By looking back at the year I’ve had. By looking inside myself and seeing the strength, courage, and capabilities I have gained this year.
I am writing this post today so I remind myself the next time the cloud of anticipation tries to take me over and take over moments that should be enjoyable, with the forethought of the pending trip ahead. I am at the point where I am trying to psyche myself up for it, because I know once I am there, I will enjoy it. I will mingle. I will enjoy seeing my colleagues, some of whom I have not seem in many months or even all year.
I can do this. I have to do this. No more anticipating. I’m ready. I have to be. And I am.
And in the meantime, I have an (abbreviated) weekend to enjoy the shit out of, right?