I feel like I’ve gone through this week with a cloud of anticipation hovering ever so slightly above my head. And all because of my next work trip on Sunday. It’s the biggie, the annual sales kick off, as I’ve mentioned before, and I guess I just keep worrying that I’ll regress back to last year and let fear take over, rather than let fear fuel me, instead.

I’ve let this cloud of anticipation hover over everything this week.

My runs, for example. While I’ve had a few good ones (6, 5 and 5 intervals), I’ve woken up extremely tired, as if I didn’t sleep at all (probably because I’ve also been dreaming of said work trip. Sigh), and my legs have felt like lead. And I have been fighting off what feels like the start of a cold (I think I may have beaten it though, with lots of emergen-c, tea and water! Fingers crossed!), so that hasn’t helped the heavy, draggy feeling either.

Even my date night in with M on Wednesday felt different. I wasn’t feeling great. He wasn’t either. We did, however, enjoy dinner together, and laid on the couch wrapped up, in silence much of the time. Just being. But my mind still wandered for awhile. As hard as I tried to turn it off, it was an internal battle to just enjoy the moments with him, not jump ahead to this day next week (Weds), when I will be red-eye-ing it home, not having date night in. We ended our night feeling connected again, however, so all was not lost. I just wish I didn’t let so much of the night slip past before realizing what I was doing.

I let the cloud of anticipation cloud over things that should be enjoyable. And it frustrated the hell out of me this week.

But if I keep allowing the anticipation be of the fearful kind, how am I supposed to transition that to fuel and courage? 

By looking back at my reminders post. By looking back at the year I’ve had. By looking inside myself and seeing the strength, courage, and capabilities I have gained this year.

I am writing this post today so I remind myself the next time the cloud of anticipation tries to take me over and take over moments that should be enjoyable, with the forethought of the pending trip ahead. I am at the point where I am trying to psyche myself up for it, because I know once I am there, I will enjoy it. I will mingle. I will enjoy seeing my colleagues, some of whom I have not seem in many months or even all year.

I can do this. I have to do this. No more anticipating. I’m ready. I have to be. And I am. 

And in the meantime, I have an (abbreviated) weekend to enjoy the shit out of, right?



13 thoughts on “Anticipation

  1. YES. This is awesome perspective sis. I’ll be borrowing this on my next work trip for sure. For now, you’re right – let’s live the sh*t out of this weekend and avoid that cloud like hell. Not worth letting it ruin those moments with M (or with your sis, tonight!) this weekend. You CAN do this, you ARE doing it and you’re rockin’ it, I must say. Go sis, GO!

  2. I think that it’s normal to have fearful anticipations sometimes. It happens. I think you are settling into your life with M and don’t want to leave that right now. Makes perfect sense to be a little fearful again. But, just think about opportunities for different workouts perhaps, good weather maybe? Plus what you get to go home to.

    1. You’re right, it is, I just let it get to me more than I usually do. Usually it’s just a few days prior, not all week and seeping into everything! I am hopeful I can hit the gym when I am there for some runs, since it’ll be took dark at the hour I’ll need to fit in workouts! Or else I’d love to run outside. Such torture, so close, yet so far 😉 (and I can’t wait to come home to M, the best part! And you are right, we are settling in together, so leaving, sucks.)

  3. I totally get where you’re coming from – I get that before all kinds of major trips, events, etc.

    But you have the best attitude and perspective – you’re strong and you’re smart and you’re driven!

    Have an awesome weekend!

    1. Thanks girl, I’m trying to turn the negative into a positive and see it as a good experience, as it always is! Sometimes my brain is too darn strong!

  4. I get like that during my “busy season” at work (which coincidentally starts next week). I’m hoping this year is better than last.
    Enjoy your weekend, Friend. Live it up!

  5. I do that too. Last weekend, I was worrying about starting my job and was basically a total bitch to Jason all weekend. I find that the anticipation of an event is usually much worse than the actual event though.

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