To fall in love twice in my lifetime…

I remarked to M last night as I curled into his arms on the couch, in silence, enjoying the unseasonably warm weather, mild breeze drifting through the window…“you know? I feel so blessed to have fallen in love twice already in my life at this age, when so many of my friends haven’t found ‘it’ once yet.”

To fall in love twice in my lifetime already, feels, well, almost unfair, when you really step back and look at it. When there are so many that are still looking, still struggling, still wanting for that feeling. Those that have never felt that feeling, akin to the first sips of wine (as I compared it), that you can’t quite capture and put into words.

And I don’t write this to suggest that I feel guilty, as I have in the past, but just how fortunate I am to have found love, true, deep, long-lasting love so ‘soon’ (in the grand scheme of things, soon!) after my divorce when I know so many that have not.  Because it truly is something I think about quite often. Almost as a reminder not to take for granted what we’ve cultivated and to keep myself in check with that…not to let it stagnate.

And I think back to my ex-husband and the love that we had. It was such immature love. Love that had no context, no perspective, no real strength, other than longevity. I honestly think the ultimate demise in our marriage was that our love never grew and evolved from that immature love that it was built on. It stagnated. It didn’t change. It just…stayed the same. Looking at that picture yesterday was proof of that. I look at myself – my 27 year old self, and I honestly feel like I look like I am 22 or 23, max. I met my ex-husband at the age of 20, and I almost feel as though I never grew from that age, so to speak, and neither did he.

But now? In the year+ that M and I have been together, I see a huge evolution from this time last year to today, for example. We are constantly growing and learning and evolving. In one year, I’d venture to guess we’ve grown more in our relationship and in our love for each other than I did in my entire decade-long relationship and marriage to my ex-husband. That statement is so powerful, to me. In one year…our love has grown more than in a decade-long relationship. 

To me…our love is everlasting.  And feeling so confident about that is probably the best revelation I’ve uncovered in a very long time.

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17 thoughts on “To fall in love twice in my lifetime…

  1. I love the concept of feeling lucky to have found love twice. I guess I never really thought of it that way for you – just have been so happy to see you come out of that very dark, very sad, post-divorce “place” and into this new place you now occupy that is so full of life, love, energy, FULL to the brim. But you’re right, I guess you are pretty lucky to have found love twice – and to still look back on your marriage and realize that there was love there, even if it wasn’t a “forever” kind of love like you have with M now.

    1. Exactly. It was love back then, but different and not the same as now. I much prefer now. of course. But I do feel lucky to have captured that loving feeling before…when others at our age just haven’t. So I want to appreciate that and not gloss over it. It was still a huge part of my life!

  2. I seriously LOVE this post, Jo. I think it’s really important for people to look back, even on something that didn’t work out, and see it as a blessing in some form. I mean, come on, experiences like these make us who we are. You are lucky to have found love twice…two entirely different loves…young, immature love and grown, true love. Regretting past loves is ridiculous, in my opinion…you were in love then. At least to your “then self”. I was engaged once before I met Herrick. To a guy who lived in Oakland, Maine, graduated, and became a cop. Our last New Years together, he backhanded me across my face. Do I regret that relationship? Not at all…it made me grow. It made me realize that I can LIVE WITHOUT PAIN. (He was verbally abusive on top of that. Long story.) I one day snapped out of it because I realized that his “I didn’t say I love you, because I wanted to see if it would piss you off” crap…was not worth it. I broke it off…and only cried when I felt the loneliness of not having that nightly phone call that first night. Comfort. NOT the only thing to live by. Young love…the immature kind…needs to happen.

    1. Wow. I had no idea you went through that with your ex. That is awful, I am really sorry you had to endure that…but at the same time, to your point, all that you learned and all that you grew from that, really paved the way for you with Herrick and true, supported, mature love. Completely different. yet I agree, both are necessary for us sometimes, for learning and realizing what we have NOW. Thank you for sharing your story dear. XOXO

  3. I would have never known what true love was if I was still with my first husband. I was young and immature and had no idea what a REAL relationship was supposed to be like. I’m so lucky to have found Jay. I think to myself quite often “Wow, so THIS is what it’s supposed to feel like”. 🙂

    1. Right. Totally don’t see it as immature until well…after. And I agree, falling in love is a beautiful thing. Experiencing it more than once is fabulous.

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