**The seventh in my little series on learning to live with M together. I will write these as the thoughts cross my mind**
This weekend, M said something to me that made me realize that I don’t verbalize how much I love him. He got the impression that maybe I wasn’t happy with him all the time.
This obviously took me completely by surprise and at the same time, made me feel like an absolutely awful girlfriend. Not because he said that, but because it was something he’d picked up on, just by making assumptions and probably, in part due to some nagging tendencies (and my random mood swings sometimes!) I have been trying to curb. And also? Because maybe I assume that he knows how I feel, and that my actions portray my love for him.
But sometimes…I guess they don’t. I say them here, all the time! I think about how much I love him and how much I am blessed to have him in my life. But do I actually say those words to him that often? No. And I never thought about it before, I guess I just assumed he knew how I felt, and that I showed him in my actions, touches, and words. And perhaps part of me is getting so used to being loved, cared for, appreciated, and taken care OF by him…and I never want to slide into any sense of complacency. Complacency was the kiss of death in my previous marriage, and is something I vowed never to let happen again.
Though what he said was sort of in passing, and not really meant as anything finger-pointing or anything I did specifically, it actually made me realize that perhaps I can do better at showing my love for M. He doesn’t read this blog, so he doesn’t see all the words I write about him (except when I show him, on occasion). He isn’t in my brain, hearing my daydreams, and when my thoughts meander to him almost all day long. And he doesn’t feel my heart thump when he comes in the door and gives he a big hug and kiss. He probably doesn’t even know how much I want to marry him.
He shows his love to me all the time. Her verbalizes it beyond ‘I love you’ far more often than I do. And it’s time for me to meet him more than halfway on that. Because truth is, he deserves to be shown just as much as I am shown every single day. He deserves to KNOW how much I love him and how much I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
And when I read Dorry’s post on this very topic – learning love – this all came together in my head. I need to do this more often:
I want to be the person who is willing to listen, learn, and love. I’m getting to know him better. I’m listening to him, learning more about his wants and needs, and loving him in an unconditional way. I recognize how much my emotions, my words, and my attitude influence him. I am grateful that I can offer him positivity, hope, and love.
He nurtures and deserves to be nurtured too. This isn’t just a piece of the puzzle, this is the puzzle. Nurturing love is the only way to not only maintain it, but to grow it, and keep it fueled strong and bright. I love M with all of my heart, from the tips of my toes, to the strands of my hair. He deserves to know that and feel that every single day. Just as I feel from him each and every day.
I am listening to what M said and really taking it to heart (whether he meant for me to or not, it was the reminder I needed). For me…love is…M.