Yeah, it’s rearing it’s ugly head.
Last night, I opted not to go to barre n9ne because Wednesdays are M’s early days where he gets out around 4 or 5 (vs 6-7) so I wanted to be home for dinner at a normal time (vs. getting home at 8 or 9 from class), in an effort at balancing out the ‘me time’ (barre n9ne!) and the ‘us time’ during the week. I was excited to be able to make dinner and have a glass of wine on our deck and enjoy the night.
That’s how it started out, but then I started getting annoyed at things like his shoes and workout clothes being strewn across the bedroom floor, and the fact that he brought a bunch of more boxes of stuff over from his old apartment to unpack (kitchen/fridge items mostly) and I was trying to hurriedly put them away so it would still be neat. Must.Stay.Clean. That’s all I was thinking about rather than, let it go, get to it after dinner or – gasp – tomorrow instead.
But I couldn’t let it go.
I was seeing stuff like toothpaste on the counter instead of in the cabinet, the toilet seat up instead of down, etc etc. and was finding myself at a point where I was getting snippy with M. I can tell he has been really trying to keep things neat, not put his shoes by the door (a peeve) etc., but here I was, getting snippy and grumpy at him anyway. These things weren’t big things. Hell, I’ve done these things too, so why is it different if he does it?
Because I am used to it being MY place and it being HIS place. At MY place, things are done MY way and at his place things are done HIS way.
But now, we are learning to adjust our habits to live together, happily, and (hopefully) relatively neatly.
It’s a bigger learning curve for ME more than anything. Because I am far too particular. Too uptight. Too effing type A for my own good. So I felt like I ruined the night with my snippy grumpiness when all I really wanted was to spend a beautiful evening with M.
And what made me feel worse when I apologized for being a jerk?
M wasn’t even fazed by it in the slightest. He barely noticed (I’m sure he was also being nice in saying he didn’t notice, but this is a habit I do NOT want to fall into. I do NOT want to put my tendencies on him in such a way that it feels forced or required for me to be happy).
I need to adjust to a happy medium. I need to learn that it’s okay if there are a few things lying about. They’ll get taken care of. Doesn’t mean it has to be done rightnowthissecond, either.
So…I guess we’re learning. Or rather, I’m learning. That I’m still shitty at compromise and ‘my way or the highway’ has gotta go, in some capacity at least. I’m sure I’m beating myself up a bit more than I should. But I’m just mad at myself for letting my need for neatness affect my mood and therefore our evening together last night.
But this morning? Waking up next to that beautiful man next to me? Hugging him close and apologizing again only to have him laugh at me for still thinking about it? Wiped away any angst and worry I had that this adjustment will be harder than it will be…because together, I know we can do anything. Even if it means leaving a pair of shoes by the door once in awhile and *not* getting annoyed.