As much as I wax on about balance and happy mediums and saying no when you need to…I have a confession.
That I am almost ashamed of.
When it comes to compromise to make those things happen?
I’m really shitty at it.
I am far more stubborn than I ever thought and as much as I
used to hate when my sister Jess would tell me I am so ‘my way or the highway’ about certain stuff, I hated it because she is right. (hear that, sis?!) I am.
And I hate that I am that way, because I never really saw it until recently. As I ‘let my hair down’ more and more around M, as we continue to open the honesty and open communication floodgates, I am far more honest with him than I ever was with my ex (which is a whole other story for another time! all in good ways of course.), and sometimes that also means that my stubbornness and ‘my way or the highway’ tendencies come out.
And M, the easygoing, laidback M, goes with the flow. Reason #853 why I love him. He’s far more calm and relaxed about stuff than I am. I am a planner. He is not. I am type A. He is not. (some good ‘opposites attract’ qualities here)
So, last night, as we were discussing this upcoming weekend (a planned trip upta camp!), it turns out that he is on-call. All weekend. This is rare. He usually is on-call for one night (or sometimes two) every 5-6 weeks or so. Just so happens to be this weekend. And, my sister invited another couple up to join us (who I know relatively well, but M has met twice). So when I mentioned this to M, after he informed me of being on-call, his mood shifted entirely. He was not comfortable going up for the weekend with more than just family (side note: I love that he considers my sister and BIL family now, that means so much!), with his pager going off at all hours of the night. (not that I blame him) So, in a culmination of factors – on-call-ness and additional people coming up to the lake – he said he would prefer that we don’t go (or that I go by myself).
This led to a conversation about trying to see if we could skirt around it and still go. For one night, not two. For just the day. Any option I tried, he was still uncomfortable with (again, not that I can really blame him) and he would suggest a different alternative. Meanwhile, I was duly upset that my sister had invited friends up (I had forgotten, honestly, that she had even mentioned it, in her defense) and now with the premise that we would not go if others were there, she was still going ahead with her plan (hello, mememe factor/’my way or the highway’ in effect). Tears flowed. Frustration grew.
I ended up more upset at the entire situation…my sister ‘choosing’ her friends, M not bending or compromising. But honestly? I was the one not compromising. I wanted it my way. But sometimes you need to step back, see the bigger picture and realize that sometimes the most well-intentioned plans don’t pan out and you need to consider plan B versus causing an unnecessary rift.
So this is me…confessing. To at this moment, feeling like a shitty sister and a shitty girlfriend. I was being selfish. It wasn’t either M or my sister’s fault. For that, I am sorry. Jess, I am sorry. I love you and you didn’t deserve my selfishness. To M (who I will see tonight, unplugging and unwinding with on a rare barre n9ne day off), I will say exactly the same thing.
And to this coming weekend? We’ll enjoy every minute of it regardless of where we are or who we’re with. Because that’s how we roll.