On compromise and confessions.

As much as I wax on about balance and happy mediums and saying no when you need to…I have a confession.

That I am almost ashamed of.

When it comes to compromise to make those things happen?

I’m really shitty at it.

I am far more stubborn than I ever thought and as much as I used to hate when my sister Jess would tell me I am so ‘my way or the highway’ about certain stuff, I hated it because she is right. (hear that, sis?!) I am.

And I hate that I am that way, because I never really saw it until recently. As I ‘let my hair down’ more and more around M, as we continue to open the honesty and open communication floodgates, I am far more honest with him than I ever was with my ex (which is a whole other story for another time! all in good ways of course.), and sometimes that also means that my stubbornness and ‘my way or the highway’ tendencies come out.

And M, the easygoing, laidback M, goes with the flow. Reason #853 why I love him. He’s far more calm and relaxed about stuff than I am. I am a planner. He is not. I am type A. He is not. (some good ‘opposites attract’ qualities here)

So, last night, as we were discussing this upcoming weekend (a planned trip upta camp!), it turns out that he is on-call. All weekend. This is rare. He usually is on-call for one night (or sometimes two) every 5-6 weeks or so. Just so happens to be this weekend. And, my sister invited another couple up to join us (who I know relatively well, but M has met twice). So when I mentioned this to M, after he informed me of being on-call, his mood shifted entirely. He was not comfortable going up for the weekend with more than just family (side note: I love that he considers my sister and BIL family now, that means so much!), with his pager going off at all hours of the night. (not that I blame him) So, in a culmination of factors – on-call-ness and additional people coming up to the lake – he said he would prefer that we don’t go (or that I go by myself).

This led to a conversation about trying to see if we could skirt around it and still go. For one night, not two. For just the day. Any option I tried, he was still uncomfortable with (again, not that I can really blame him) and he would suggest a different alternative. Meanwhile, I was duly upset that my sister had invited friends up (I had forgotten, honestly, that she had even mentioned it, in her defense) and now with the premise that we would not go if others were there, she was still going ahead with her plan (hello, mememe factor/’my way or the highway’ in effect). Tears flowed. Frustration grew.

I ended up more upset at the entire situation…my sister ‘choosing’ her friends, M not bending or compromising. But honestly? I was the one not compromising. I wanted it my way. But sometimes you need to step back, see the bigger picture and realize that sometimes the most well-intentioned plans don’t pan out and you need to consider plan B versus causing an unnecessary rift.

So this is me…confessing. To at this moment, feeling like a shitty sister and a shitty girlfriend. I was being selfish. It wasn’t either M or my sister’s fault. For that, I am sorry. Jess, I am sorry. I love you and you didn’t deserve my selfishness. To M (who I will see tonight, unplugging and unwinding with on a rare barre n9ne day off), I will say exactly the same thing.

And to this coming weekend? We’ll enjoy every minute of it regardless of where we are or who we’re with. Because that’s how we roll.

 

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30 thoughts on “On compromise and confessions.

  1. Wow. Thank you for this, sis. Quite a public forum to admit to being wrong (not that I was entirely faultless in how I handled things either) and to apologize to me. You didn’t have to…but it means a lot to me. A ton. I love you and I’m sorry, too. Hug M for me tonight, the ‘family’ comment made me smile big. xoxo

    1. I know I didn’t. But I wanted to. I’m glad we talked through this and got some stuff out on the table. Some things make a lot more sense than they did 24 hours ago. Love you sis and glad we have our little ‘family’ back together πŸ™‚ XOXO

  2. Good confession. I’m guilty, still, of this “my way or the highway.” If things don’t go according to (my) plans?!? Watch out!

    But, like you, sometimes I try to step back and look at the whe situation instead of getting upset at what I can no longer control.

    It’s hard to change – especially when you’ve been like this most of your life – the dominant one. (by you I mean me)

    1. It is hard to step back and it’s taken more 24 hours to do so, but I have. And I feel better…far better than my frustrated, annoyed, angry self earlier. Some things are just best to let go. It Is hard to do, very much, but one day at a time πŸ˜‰

  3. Wow, I love this confession. We are all flawed, it’s what makes us so lovable, and I think it’s awesome that you could step back and see where you were wrong. The wonderful thing about family though, is that you can talk this stuff through (as I have just come off of a big fight with a sister that I am very close to) as opposed to friends who might not get over it.

    Also, I think its great that M didn’t cave in to you, I think that shows that he is really trusting you now. Very proud of you.

    1. Thanks Marisa, I thought you might like a confession from me that isn’t all puppies and rainbows. You’re right, with family, you can talk a little more honestly and bottom line, than you can with friends. I am glad M didn’t cave either, because it shows that obviously this mattered to him enough to say it (and as I mentioned, we have a four day weekend up there together in another week, which obviously helps greatly).

  4. I too can be a bit of my way or the highway. But I have a slightly different outlook.

    I do not think for a minute that your sister was in the wrong for inviting people. Never once.

    What I find odd is M’s unwillingness to be flexible that other people may be there. Yes, his pager going off and being on call would be slightly bothersome but that is something that is relatively expected for someone in his profession.

    My former brother in law was a dentist. It was generally accepted that his pager could go off (because yes, dental emergencies happen) at any given time. Friends, family, strangers etc accepted this. I wouldn’t want to be paralyzed by a pager. Ever.

    So that is my very long way of saying I would be annoyed by the change in plans. If his being on call does not require him to be within a certain distance to respond then I would still expect to go.

    But that is just me and maybe that is the my way or the highway shining through. πŸ˜‰

    1. Well, as for the on-call thing, the other issue is that his reception up there is spotty, so that is also a concern. As is privacy laws, of course (HIPAA), so it’s not like he can just whip out his phone and take a call anywhere. So I get that. And more so because he doesn’t know this couple very well, because if he did, it would be a little different, too, I think. (a little more to that part of it, but that’s the gist). Anyway, yea, I was annoyed at the change in plans, but there are silver linings, and honestly, I am more glad he spoke his mind about it. And there is always next weekend (where we have four days together up there – a big silver lining that factored into the decision).

  5. Girl, we’re ALL like that in some way, shape or form. On some level, we’re living in the “it’s all about me” phase most of the time. We may not be conscious of it… but we do! Even those of us who give in to others… do so out of “kindness” and “not expecting anything in return”… then at some point will say, “I do everything you say! What do you do for me?!?”

    Eh. All we can do is go with it. Go with how we’re feeling and try to be honest with OURSELVES along the way. You had a great awareness there. And in that awareness, you are able to step back and say whoa. Just as I’m learning to be aware when I give too much. Being honest about how I really feel means less people get hurt. Including me. πŸ™‚

    And funny because my ex used to say I always wanted my way. But he never spoke up when he had a problem with “my way”. So see? Live and learn.

    The more honest we are with ourselves, the better our relationships are. Confessions are good. πŸ˜‰

    1. Amen sista. You are right, I guess we all have that ‘what’s in it for me’ tendency in some capacity. Mine has just been coming out far more than I’d like lately. I think confessions are good too. I may have to do this more often πŸ˜‰ Live and learn. Absolutely.

  6. I think everybody wants things to go their way. I know I do. And sometimes we turn into kids and scream about what we don’t get. It happens. Family is supposed to love you anyway, that’s the rule πŸ˜›

    1. Yep, I think we do…but I guess I’ve just noticed a lot more in myself lately than I’d care to admit πŸ˜‰ And family is supposed to love us anyway, great rule!

  7. This was a really great post. We all mess up…and it’s good that you recognize it. I think you and M. have a great relationship…as I know you do with your sisters! You’re learning, growing and trying to manage your relationships with grace and I really respect that! They’re all lucky to have you πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you so much. I am glad you liked it. You are right. We do. It’s not always pretty, but once we realize it, it helps things reach resolution a lot faster! And I think I am learning, but some days are easier than others!

  8. Awesome post. I love raw honesty…even when I try to cover mine in sunshine and rainbows. So brave.

    I love that M is feeling comfortable and secure in the relationship, as evidenced by the way he didn’t cave to your wishes. And I love that you are able to step back, evaluate the situation, and see things from another perspective.

    So very proud of you! Big hugs!

    1. Thank you Nicki! It is hard to be raw and honest but sometimes, you just gotta own up, ya know? I am proud of how M handled it and me too (at least in the end, perhaps not during it!)

  9. The beauty of being sisters. πŸ™‚ I know exactly what you two go through…

    Jo, I’m the same way. I am a planner. (And sometimes a bad one at that.) I like surprises, but they make me…uncomfortable.

    And when things like “on-call weekends” get in the way, I get mad, too. Your way is what you’re comfortable with. I know the feeling. Having to rethink plans can be overwhelming for thinkers like us.

    Know what’s great, though? You, like me, have no problem admitting when you’re wrong or overreacted. I love it. πŸ™‚

    PS: You need an RSS feed. I need to put it up on my toolbar!!! (It’s where I keep all of my faves. <3)

    1. Ah yes, the beauty of sisterhood (and forgiveness!) On-call weekends are few and far in between, thankfully, but when they pop up at such craptastic times, it is well, craptastic. But I am glad to admit to being wrong and feel better now that I’ve talked it through with my sis and with M too πŸ™‚ (RSS added!)

  10. You’re not a shitty girlfriend or sister for feeling what you feel. You’d be shitty if you didn’t recognize this about yourself and just railroaded everyone into doing what you want. The fact that you recognize your weaknesses and are adjusting your plans shows what good sister/girlfriend you really are.

    1. True. I don’t want to be a railroader even if I was totally on that path this week πŸ˜‰ And thank you for your kudos on recognizing it!

  11. You’re not selfish or a shitty anything. You’re attached to your routine and the plan. I get it because I’m the same way. Kudos to you for realizing that you’ll have a great weekend even if you have to compromise a bit, though! xoxo

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