I think it’s working. Ever so slowly.
Allowing M to open up to me at his own pace.
Allowing him to feel what he feels and keep it to himself if he needs to, until he’s ready to talk about it.
…and if he’s not, I am learning to be okay with that.
ALLOWING and detaching with LOVE.
When he does open up, I get such a window into his soul and the way he thinks and the motivation for what he does and truly how he feels about certain things.
The other night, I could sense that his mood was a little off. I asked if he was okay, and he said he was fine and so we moved on from that (and I didn’t nag or keep asking). The next day, he called me and mentioned he was in a bad mood (to which I replied, if THAT is your bad mood, you’d really hate to see my bad mood. Hehe. Seriously, he’s a peach even when he’s in a bad mood!), and then it all came tumbling out. An argument with his dad over something. Snowballed into his frustrations for how much of a giver of himself he is, financially and personally. (which he totally is) to his family and close friends when in time of need. But when he asks for help…the one time? Crickets.
It makes being so selfless and giving feel thankless.
And for him to feel that way, given how generous he is and how caring he is to those around him frustrated me *for* him. And it’s one of the biggest reasons why I love him so much. For his generosity, financially and personally. And on the flip-side, how financially responsible he really is. Like no other I have ever seen (and coming from being with my ex who had thousands in credit card debt that I knew nothing about until after we bought a house, this is a huge thing for me…but I digress). He anticipates, he saves, he invests. But he isn’t frugal, either. It’s really a good balance and I respect what he’s built for himself and it gives me the motivation I need to take and keep control of my own finances (okay, wow this post is going on a tangent, but I promise, it all relates!).
Just talking about his frustrations and then getting into more of a philosophical discussion about working towards a life that allows for less financial worry and more freedom to do things like go on a trip on a whim (and not charge it), or be at a point in life where you are building up financial security, not struggling to find it.
Talking through his frustrations and getting into a conversation like that just sort of blew me away. Because it gave me a window into his soul, and he for once began sharing his feelings and emotions on different aspects of his life that he never has before. It made me realize that while I absolutely know how he feels about me, us, and our future, I didn’t know how he feels about certain things in his life, beyond that.
And now I do.
And it’s one more reason why I am feeling extra close to him today.
And one more reason why I miss him like whoa, as he’s in Vegas at a conference this week. (but secretly, I am thankful I am not the one traveling for once, and even more excited that when I see him next, we’ll be meeting at the airport in NYC, ready to celebrate one of my closest divorced friends weddings…she is living proof that it can happen! <-wow, another tangent!).