I feel like I can finally exhale a bit.
My boss is back!!
And since she left just about three months ago, I have learned an incredible amount about myself and my ability to get through some really difficult and challenging moments. I feel like I lived up to words M texted to me when I was in panic attack-mode that day: “remember, it’s okay to lose to your opponent, but you shouldn’t lose to fear.”
I’m no longer afraid. Sure, I am intimidated sometimes and there are things I dread about my job at times, just as everyone has things they don’t like about their job (or like LESS about it than other aspects!), but I am not afraid.
Because in the last 12 weeks, I’ve done it. I’ve managed a multitude of launches, personalities, deadlines, and even some egos. I’ve gotten the job done and I daresay, pretty damn well, too. As I was putting together a short transition document to go through with my boss, it turned from a one-pager to a three-pager (and probably a lot of things I still left out!), I was realizing just how much I accomplished while she was out. And no matter the quantity of what I did, for me, it was more my determination to get it done and get it done well. Prove that I am capable, that I know my shit, and that I will prosper no matter how many times I felt knocked down, in the process.
It is refreshing to have her back and to be a two-person team again. I have a sounding board. I have an advisor. I have a reality-checker. And at the core of it, I have a confidante and a friend.
But as we creep ever so closely to that six-month mark (and the letter I can’t wait to re-read!), there are things I know I need to accomplish and habits I know I cannot slide back into.
I need to stand on my own.
Not melt back into ‘support’ role.
I need to carve out my role against hers.
To show differentiation, importance and need (hey, it never hurts to maintain self-preservation, right??).
I need to remain confident (even when I feel weak and unsure) and ask questions when I don’t know the answers (instead of struggling to find them myself).
And I need to exhale. Just a little bit. Because this is when my job – hopefully – gets fun and new again. New challenges, new opportunities and just a wee bit of a mental break, if you will.
But first, I will exhale.