The past.

Lately, I have been thinking about my ex. In that we haven’t spoken in months.

And I wonder why that is. Of course, I knew eventually, we’d lead our separate lives and not have much in common even to talk about anymore, but in a way, the more that time goes by, the more I wonder why there are months of silence.

At the root of our past marriage, we were friends. And at the root of our divorce, we were friends. We supported each other through some tough times in the past couple of years, break-ups, financial frustrations, and just general venting bout life. And then, one day, it just sort of stopped. He started dating seriously. I started dating seriously. I made the effort to reach out here and there, and he did not (though would quickly reciprocate if I reached out).

I’m never one to force things. And I’m not one to rehash the past or dig up things that don’t need to be. But the more time goes by, the more that friendship feels like such a thing of the past. And I don’t know how I feel about that, quite honestly.  I hold a spot in my heart for him as someone in my life for more than 10 years, and I guess that just doesn’t go away.

And while M has always been fully supportive of our friendship, he also doesn’t really get it, either. He doesn’t understand how someone that hurt me and divorced me could still be someone I speak to, let alone have a friendship with. Our divorces were clearly very different. His was not amicable. Mine was. They do not speak, unless forced. We do (er, did). I guess this is the one thing I don’t talk to him about (or anyone, really, for that matter, as with certain things that I discuss here but not elsewhere, from time to time) because I think it would come across misunderstood, cause angst or worry on his pat and not really accomplish much, either.

So I write about it here. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know why it’s popped into my head the last few days (other than a few bloggy friends who recently bummed into their exes), I just felt the need to get it out. Maybe I am just mourning the loss of a friendship that was, that we cultivated and enjoyed for the purpose at the time. To get us both through the loss of our marriage (ironically), but clinging on to the friendship that was too difficult to let go of, for fear of a gaping hole in our respective lives that was present for so very long.

I just feel such a distinction between then, and now. So much.

I think it also speaks to where I am in my life right now. Embarking on a new phase with my love, inching towards six months in my new job, and pursuing a mind/body challenge in hopes of rectifying body image with healthy mindset.

The past.


29 thoughts on “The past.

  1. Interesting. My sister is sort of friends with her ex, but I think it’s mostly because of the kids. They are having a hard time totally distancing and I think it’s b/c of the friendship bond. It’s hard to let friends out of your life sometimes, no matter how rough the relationship might be. You relied on that person, they were a confidant, you shared so much. So, it makes sense that you would still want that part of the relationship.

    By the way, I love that quote. I need it tattooed on my forehead!

    1. Wow, ya know, that is such a good observation. Maybe it was just natural the way things have progressed and we needed to do this. I mean, I don’t regret it, necessarily, but it’s just been on my mind a bit lately too. I bet it is hard for your sister too, with the kids. And seriously, can you bring her to visit too? 😉 (and I love that quote too!)

  2. He was such a big part of your life for so long, it’s not surprising that you’d sort of mourn that a little bit. Hell, even I wonder about him now and then, he was like a brother to me for so very long. But I also think you’re right – the then vs. now feeling – it’s likely more on your mind now because you’re embarking on a new phase in your relationship with M and in all the other things in your life that you mentioned. All part of this evolution of yours (a wonderful, beautiful evolution, I might add)

    1. Yea, that’s exactly it. I just wonder how his life is going, think about him fondly, moreso than anything. It is a distinct then vs. now feeling. But I dig it, life is just the way it’s meant to be!

  3. It’s perfectly ok to mourn the loss of a friendship. It’s a loss. Plain and simple. It hurts. It’s hard. It’s change from the old and familiar – and regardless of the circumstances, that is hard to accept and, sometimes, let go of forever.

    Time heals all wounds…and one day, hopefully, you’ll be able to look back on this transitional point in your life and remember the good parts…you’ll remember the happy pieces of your first marriage and be able to leave it at that – a happy memory that pops in your head and then floats off again. You’ll get there. It just takes time.

    1. And most days, I do see it just the way you describe. It was the old and the familiar and a friendship we worked hard to retain. But, I guess, at the end of the day, if we were ever to bump into each other (which, oddly, we never do, even though we live about 10 miles apart at MOST), it would be absolutely normal and fine. I guess that’s all that matters. It’s cordial, friendly, not negative.

  4. I have a relationship with the ex-wife, and it is good now, but I could take it or leave it. I see her for the sake of the kids but if they weren’t around I’m not sure I would even think about her (she hurt me a lot when we split).

    J on the other hand I would love to be friends with – alas I don’t feel she feels the same.

    Relationships are hard and breaking up is hard.

    And thank you for the lovely comment on my post.

    1. anytime re: comment 🙂 I speak nothing but the truth! I hope for your sake, maybe friendship is possible with J at some point. Hang in there!!

  5. Oh my goodness yes. Absolutely, I would think it’s normal to feel these things! This is someone you planned a future with and shared a past with. My ex just seems different around me now that I’m in a serious relationship… and even weirder when he’s actively in his on again/off again relationship too. Perhaps some of that is because the new partners don’t understand wanting to retain that friendship? And honestly, sad but true and expected, the new partners matter MORE than the old partners. But yes, I can totally understand this. I wouldn’t feel bad about feeling this at all.

    I think it’s still part of mourning.


    1. YES! The new partners matter more than the old, absolutely. M is my priority, just like whomever my ex is dating is his. And that’s how it should be. And honestly, I think it probably would be awkward if we were still friends at the same level as we were before we both starting really seeing people. In hindsight, that is!

  6. I think often being friends with your ex is a coping mechanism. It sort of says “see! things aren’t really THAT bad if we’re friendly”, so I can see M’s point…to me, I would have to agree with him–I don’t see why you’re friends with your ex at all since you do not have children. Whether or not it is/was appropriate or the right thing to do, it definitely happens and then often becomes a memory. It’s moving into a new phase where your life almost seems like it happened to someone else. Saying goodbye completely is never easy, but sometimes it’s for the best.

    1. Thank you for your perspective, and actually, I hadn’t even thought of it that way either. I guess it’s different for everyone, and our friendship made sense when we were both single and moving on, but now that we’re not, it doesn’t make a ton of sense, I know what you are saying. It was definitely a coping mechanism then, and while I do hold a warm spot for him in my heart, I certainly wouldn’t change a thing in my life then or now.

  7. I sometimes think about D___ and where that relationship will go. These days, I’m not getting so much animosity from him. I think he might finally be getting past that awkward “I-don’t-know-how-to-relate-in-this-new-arrangement” attitude.

    We will never be friends. We haven’t been friends for the past 11+ years of our marriage. But I do hope that we can find a way to relate as far as the kids are concerned.

    I suppose it is very different when you don’t have that bond of children to keep you together. How strange to have been married to someone and lose touch completely.

    1. Yes, without children, it does make the tie cleaner, I guess. I consider my cats children though, hehe, and since he ‘raised’ them with me, if I do talk to him, I let him know how they are (lol) however, they have firmly taken to M and I love that so much. 😉

  8. Hmm. I can more relate to you on this. I desire to be friends with my ex, even though it was such an unhealthy relationship. I guess it’s the determined woman in me who is always up to a challenge. Anyhow, it’s hard to be friends with him because he still loves me. I care for him, but I can’t give myself to him like that. So I try to be friends with him…but he ends up leaving me voicemails about how beautiful I am and how dumb he is to have lost me. I think it can work, but only if both people are over each other and truly concerned for the other’s well-being.

    1. Ugh, that’s a sticky one, when your ex talks like that. For me, it’s just the friendship, for both of us really, that was it, nothing more. But yes, it is about their well-being, caring as they were in your life for so long.

  9. I know we have talked this up and down this week, but obviously I can relate. It seems so sad. Even when you know intellectually that life moves on, and you are happy, and you’ve found someone new and wonderful to share your life with it is still hard to figure out what to “do” with this person who held such a significant position in your past life. If I ever figure it out, I’ll let you know 😉

    1. We have indeed 🙂 But yes, it’s just the what to ‘do’ factor with that person…do you let it go completely, do you try to casually stay in touch, if it makes sense? Just a weird thing, I guess.

  10. Of course you’re mourning the friendship. It might be for the best but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t missed. You guys will figure it out. Thinking of you, girl!

  11. I always admired that you maintained a friendship with your ex. In my situation, we are polite at best. And most of the time we only speak out of necessity.

    I think that with the relationship with M, you no longer need the friendship you had with the ex. Your life has evolved since then. So good to see it!

    1. Thank you Nicki. And you are right too, my life has evolved, so has his. This is natural. I guess it’s also normal to feel that nostalgia, in a sense, sometimes, too, though.

  12. I think it’s a natural process that the friendship is slowing down. You each probably have other people to fill that gap where the other used to be. That might not have been the case a year ago. It’s refreshing that you think of him fondly and wish him well.

    1. It is a natural process, I think. And to know that if we were ever to run into each other, it’d be normal, feels victorious in some way.

  13. Someday we will have to have a whole long talk on this. I can’t imagine being in your shoes and not being able to talk to Dustin or have him still be apart of my life. We said vows with these people, we made life plans with them, they held our hair while we were sick and for them to be gone one day is weird. I see nothing wrong with you mourning that friendship that you two had. It is weird to move on into this whole new life and a man you were once married too basically has no idea who you are these days.

    1. Yes! I would love that! 🙂 It does feel weird to, but it also DOES feel right. I think that’s the difference. For you too. It’s good to be able to catch up now and again. I did do that with him, and feel good that we can still connect now and again.

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