When I felt like a bad girlfriend.

Last night, I felt like a bad girlfriend. Horrible.

When I should have been on a ‘yay-we’re-moving-in-together’ high, I was feeling conflicted, bummed, and well, like a bad girlfriend.

Over something relatively silly, actually.

I had mentioned to M that I was hoping for a low key night as the rest of the weekend would be jam packed, and then he called me on Thursday to ask if I wanted to go to a cookout at a coworker’s house on Friday. He prefaced this conversation with ‘I know you wanted a low-key night but…” and since he was asking about it, I knew it was because he wanted to go to the cookout. So I said yes, hesitantly.

All day on Friday, I wasn’t looking forward to the cookout. I reallyreallyreally just wanted to stay home, pop open some champagne and cheers to signing our apartment. And I tried to convince him. He suggested we bring champagne. Or that we celebrate before we went to the party with a glass of wine. We went back and forth a few times over text and then he tells me they decided to order pizza vs. a cookout.

Fail.

I had planned my day’s meals according to knowing a cookout would allow me to eat consciously. Pizza wouldn’t allow that, no matter which way you slice it (no pun intended).

That made me feel worse. But I tried to buck up and just go anyway, eating something beforehand, instead. But once I walked in the door, I still didn’t feel like going (note: PMS did NOT HELP this situation!) and was just down that we weren’t going to celebrate together that night. He saw it written all over my face. I couldn’t hide it even though I tried to put on the face.

(as much as I really didn’t want him to be able to read my face, I loved that he did, so instantly. To know someone to that level is, well, something I love about him, and us).

I felt tears well up. I excused myself to the bathroom, trying to hide it.

No dice.

Tears. Flowing.

I walked back out, sat next to him and buried my head in his shoulder, tears streaming. Cue worry, all over his face.

“what’s wrong? Why are you crying? don’t be sad, be happy.”

I let it all out. I was more honest than ever (something I am trying more and more to do ALWAYS because I will not succumb to my past behaviors!).

I don’t want to go. I just want to stay home. And I feel guilty about that. If it were you, you’d support me and come, even if you didn’t want to. I should do that too. But I can’t. I just want to stay home. And I’m sorry. I feel like a bad girlfriend. I feel unsupportive. I feel mean. I feel wrong. I’m sorry.

To which he replied “babe, we don’t have to do everything together. We are going to be living together, we are going to see each other every day. I can’t wait for that. But that also means we can adjust to not doing everything together. I’d feel much worse if you came and weren’t happy than if you stayed home and were.”

Relief.

We talked more, and just being in his arms, feeling reassured, made me feel better. So much better. About us, about living together, and about our ability to communicate.

As I write this, I still feel a twinge of guilt over not going, and like I showcased bad girlfriend tendencies, but he’s right. I shouldn’t. He shouldn’t. We shouldn’t feel obligated to DO everything together (some things, sure, certain things, sure, but not every last cookout or whatever). This is something I am learning. And will continue to learn as we move in together and continue to maintain balance. I’m not perfect, I obviously have flaws like everyone, but in this instance, I just felt selfish and guilty.  Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t, but I am glad we talked it through.

That incident was proof to me that we will continue to have balance when we live together. We are who we are, together, or alone, and I truly respect and love that we both have our own independence, despite being such an integral part of each other’s lives.

Some may think that’s a nice-to-have or a small thing, but it’s not. It’s critical, in my opinion.

…okay, so I don’t feel like a bad girlfriend anymore. (I hope I wasn’t. Was I?! <–see, there goes overthinking again).

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20 thoughts on “When I felt like a bad girlfriend.

    1. Really?? I just felt like I was being awful, since he would totally go with me if I wanted to, even if he didn’t necessarily care to.

  1. Totally not a bad girlfriend! Great that he’s so understanding and you guys are able to communicate so well! He seems very supportive 🙂

    1. Thanks for visiting! And thanks for weighing in, I just felt like it was selfish of me, just because I didn’t want to go. I guess it would have been, maybe, if I had asked him not to go or something.

  2. I think this was a turning point for you guys – to recognize that as you shift into this new place in your relationship, that it’s ok to be 100% honest AND it’s ok to not do every social activity together (a hard thing to recognize sometimes, in all honesty). And of course, I love that M totally knew the minute he saw your face that you were upset. That’s love. 🙂

    1. I agree, it is a turning point. A good one for us, too. And yeah, I thought you’d like the part about him reading my face even when trying hard not to be ‘read!’ 😉

  3. You are not a bad girlfriend at all. I have felt this way many times. I would always go to the event or whatnot and then feel resentment towards the guy. It’s a much better solution to talk through it and come up with a solution together. We can’t always live to please. I’m glad it all worked out!

  4. Ok, part of me laughs b/c oh how Jason and I have had many (manymanymany) of these moments over the course of our 16 years together. Scary huh??? LOL I totally understand where you were coming from. You get your heart set on something like the champagne and celebrating and they suggest to take it along. Um, ok, rational, but not quite the point. Then the food. When food situations go awry like that, that’s when I end up losing it and having a big fat, baby fit.

    1. Wow, that’s exactly what happened! I think he was really well meaning in suggesting we bring champagne (just as I am sure Jason would be!) but then the food thing, I just did not want to sit there all night watching a hockey game I didn’t care about or watch all of these people eat pizza I wasn’t going to eat (but would feel torturned smelling it!). Glad you understand 🙂

  5. I do this to Jason all the time. He often wants to go out for dinner or drinks and all I want to do is stay home. I understand feeling guilty about it, but it’s really normal and you’re not a bad girlfriend for it. Sometimes people just want to do different things on specific nights and that’s okay.

    1. Very true. I guess I felt bad also since this was the first time this has happened and because I know if it were reversed, he would totally go, because that’s just the way he is.

  6. I don’t think you are a bad girlfriend at all. We are trying to get into a groove where we don’t HAVE to feel obligated to do everything together either. You talked it out, that is the most important thing.

  7. This is totally the story of my weekend. I did NOT want to go out. I did, and it ended up being ok, but I still feel stressed about finishing everything I need to this weekend. Still learning that balance I suppose.

  8. You’re not a bad girlfriend at all, I think it’s cool that you could be so honest and tell M that you didn’t want to go out on Friday evening. It’s so good that you can talk about these things.

  9. the fact that you can be that honest, and that he’s cool with it, is the sign that you all have something special. but i think you knew that. 🙂

    1. Aww, thank you 🙂 I think we do, of course, but moments like that make me realize we are still growing, and lots more learning to do!

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