Agitated.

As the day wore on yesterday, I began to feel agitated, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Here’s what was flitting through my brain yesterday, in no particular order.

I am still Facebook friends with “Brainy Blonde‘ aka ‘the one that almost fit’, and he posted that ‘she said yes!’ – obviously, engaged. I don’t really know why, but my reaction to that was that I wish it were me, in a way. NOT with him, let me just clarify that right now, but as M and I continue down our path together, the more I absolutely see us together for as long as we’re meant to…and that includes marriage (at some point). For as much as I have said that I am keeping a ‘never say never’ attitude about getting married again, I realize that I do want to get married again and cultivate a life together with M. Not that we couldn’t if we weren’t, but it is something I think about relatively often these days.

Am I rushing? No.

Do I want to get married this year? No.

I don’t have any parameters or guidelines for it, I just know in my heart, deep down, he is the one for me, through and through. So maybe my reaction ‘I wish it were me’ was just the feeling of completeness of it. The move forward towards the life I have been building towards.Β  Which leads me to my next thought…

I want to buy a house again. It’ll be almost two years since I had to short sell my house as part of the divorce (TWO YEARS, can you believe that?!) which also means my two year quarantine from buying another home is almost up and I have the house itch, like whoa. I don’t mind renting, but the more I look around at homes for sale and prices much more reasonable than when I was in the house-buying market in 2005 (quite possibly the worst time ever to buy a house, in hindsight…). But I’m not quite there, financially. I have built myself back up from scratch, and I am quite proud of that, but my savings is still very slim, but slowly growing. Within the next year, a house could be in my future…but I just wish it were sooner.

Why did this slip into my mind, lending to my agitation last night? My lease is up this fall. So is M’s. And we have decided that more than anything, we want to live together. It’s a big step, a huge one, in fact, but it doesn’t scare me in the slightest. I am so ready for this and it makes my heart sing. I started a spreadsheet (yes, a spreadsheet!) of apartments to visit in the area that would be a happy medium for me and for M (me being relatively close to family, he being relatively close to where he works). There are some gorgeous apartments and townhouses out there and I know we’ll be able to afford a pretty nice one…but as I heard voices outside of my neighbors next door, and banging around in the townhouse on the other side of me, I just wished it was a house we were looking at, not an apartment. I am already sick of renting, sick of hearing my neighbors through the walls etc. But I know it’s a means towards an end (saving to buy a house, that is), but I still couldn’t help but feel a little down. And the more down I felt, the more annoyed at myself I was. Because the fact is – M and I are moving in together! This is exciting. This is what I want. This is what he wants. And we are doing it together, very soon. A house will happen. I just need to find my ‘patience pants.’

And lastly? My body image issues crept in last night while watching, of all things, the Biggest Loser finale. As happy as I was for these women and men who have come through an incredible weight loss journey, I couldn’t help but feel jealous. The three final women looked amazing. Absolutely gorgeous. Stunning. And I just wanted leaner legs and a flatter stomach. I was comparing myself. I couldn’t believe it. But the only saving grace was that I caught myself doing it really quickly and did my best to squash it. M helped. Told me I don’t need to compare myself to anyone. I am me and I am the best me I can be. I needed to hear that. I guess the fact that I am recognizing my habits is a start, right? But I still felt agitated.

~~

I feel better today (and wow, that was a long post, sorry about that!). It’s a new day. All of the things I felt agitated about are honestly non-issues. They are wants and goals and challenges. But I know deep down, I got this. I am moving forward in every aspect of my life and facing the next phase head-on. I honestly couldn’t be more excited or happy about it. Shoo, agitation, shoo!

*says the girl blogging her heart out, sitting on the patio, with an iced coffee and sun streaming down, warm air floating by. Bliss*

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46 thoughts on “Agitated.

  1. I love spreadsheets and lists! I could definitely see really getting the itch to buy a house especially when you’ve owned before. There’s just something sort of solid and settled about owning rather than renting. I’m excited for you guys to be moving in together!

    As for the comparison, I don’t know that it’s something you can ever fully get past? But when you start to do it, think about all of your assets. Try to think about the great things about your legs. So they may not be 10 miles long, but you’re..um..short so they can’t be. But they’re strong. They can get you through runs, weights, kickboxing, and spin!

    1. There is something solid about home ownership. I miss that. That’s a good way of putting it. And yes, you are right, I need to do what I said I would – turn the negatives into positives and look at the positives FIRST not the negatives. Hard to do, but I know I need to.

  2. I hope you’re able to recognize what a good thing it is that you’re able to put your finger on what’s bothering you. That’s great stuff! The worst is when you’re feeling something but can’t exactly put your finger on why. You’re showing great self-awareness here. πŸ™‚

    *hugs*

    1. Thank you – you’re right, it IS a good thing to be able to pinpoint what is bothering me. Way better than not having a clue and just being more aggravated at that! Self-awareness is so powerful! πŸ™‚

  3. I really like this post Jo, and I think its because I like the honesty of it. Too often I think we are afraid to admit that we want more things, or that we aren’t totally happy or satisfied, even though on the outside our life looks pretty perfect. Almost like you feel like you don’t have the right to WANT more. But you do. And its normal. All in good time my friend πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you Marisa! I guess I didn’t even see it that way, but you are right, this was honest and there is more that I WANT and sometimes I do fear that wanting more, even though I am very happy, is like saying I am taking for granted what I do have. Thank you for making me see that it is okay to want and it is good to be honest, too.

  4. When SR & I were long distance, I was super upset about it. But as the days drew nearer that he would be moving in with me…I felt…sad. Not sad that he was coming, but sad that I was losing my total freedom in a way. So try and enjoy the days where you get to do what you want, when you want when nobody is looking and you completely call the shots in your own life. I feel like we so often put so much of ourselves into another person, we miss this completely. Have fun. Shacking up will come soon enough and the ups & downs of owning a home. What you have now is definitely not bad. Not bad at all πŸ˜‰

    1. That is a really good point! And I have totally embraced living alone the last few years and absolutely love it, in many ways, but the more we are together, the more empty my house feels without him. So I will most certainly enjoy every minute of my place before we do move, and always make sure that we have our own space and place to just ‘be’ in our place together. If that makes sense. Everyone needs their alone time.

  5. I think the truth is that we’ll always want more for our lives. If we work at it and exercise patience, gradually these things generally come to fruition.

    I have learned (the hard way, unfortunately) the best things evolve organically, without me pushing too hard.

  6. I have no desire to get married and yet always feel a little agitated when someone gets engaged. I thinks it’s the naivete I miss. I remember thinking marriage was forever and well, that didn’t work out, now did it?

    And did you ever see the Carson Kressley show about how to look good naked? There was a pretty powerful section of each show where he’d line up women from smallest to largest and ask the guest of the show to place herself in the line where she believed she should be. The women ALWAYS placed themselves heavier than they were. It was amazing because they never saw themselves as they actually were. We’re all doomed that way, aren’t we?

    Enjoy your patio blogging! πŸ™‚

    1. Hm, glad I am not the only one that had that knee-jerk agitation over the engagement thing. I was actually really surprised at my reaction to it. And I have not seen that show, but it is so true. We ALWAYS would place ourselves heavier (or at least I know I would!). Patio blogging was awesome today πŸ™‚

  7. I can totally relate to the urge to have a house and to get remarried. After the emotional experience of getting divorced, it sounds very appealing to feel truly settled again. I think that’s a totally normal response!

    1. Truly settled – yes. that’s what I crave. I know I’ll have it, soon, but that’s what was lending to the agitation, absolutely.

  8. Well well well, LIVING TOGETHER! First let me say congratulations!! πŸ™‚ And secondly, Jobo, maybe a compromise here … could you perhaps, instead of renting an apt or townhome, rent a HOUSE together?

    Just a thought, there is a LOT of that going around in my area, in this economy.

    I wish you guys the best of luck!

    1. Thank you QT! You are the best. And that’s a good idea…it’s worth looking into renting a house, absolutely! I hadn’t thought about that.

  9. CONGRATS! It’s awesome. I do know what you mean…about the wish it were me feeling. Had it when The Ex married New Wife…not b/c I wanted to be married to him. And DH & I were just starting to date, but I did want it to be ME! And it was πŸ™‚ I had to nudge slightly after a year together, but that’s OK too!!! HA I’m happy for you!

  10. Too right you’re moving forward in a great positive way, so happy that moving in together is on the cards with M and it would seem that it’s at the right time for you both later on in the year.

    1. Thanks Susan! It does feel like the right time, later this year, about a year in, together, at that point. I am looking forward to it!

  11. Really…you’re at the fun part…the part where anything is possible and nothing is set in stone (like a contract on a new apartment), so you can dream whatever you want…imagine life exactly as you want it to be. Then, once the ball starts rolling, you make your dreams happen πŸ™‚

  12. those little thoughts can totally ruin a good day. Once they creep in, just toss them out the window. easier said than done, i know. Glad you had a great NEW day!

  13. I know ALL about getting agitated with life because of my tendency to compare myself with other people. I know it’s not right and it’s something I’m working on. I am me and I am fabulous and my journey doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s.

    And that’s that.

    Congrats on moving in with M. That’s a big step!

  14. Awwww!!! This made me sad for you. Because I think you are exactly where you need to be. Try to enjoy the here and now!

    It must be hard to be feeling agitated over those things. I used to be so upset any time someone I knew got engaged, had a baby, got married. I know how much that feeling sucks.

    And yeah, the Biggest Loser girls were gorgeous. Hannah especially. I kept thinking how she looked just like a Barbie doll. *sigh* To look like that…

    1. Aww! you are right, I AM where I need to be. I need to remind myself of that, and that I have come really far. Seriously, those girls did look like Barbie dolls! amazing!

  15. Yay! Moving in together! That is so exciting. I’m so happy for you.

    I see such an amazing life before. Can’t wait to read all about it. You’ve come a long way, girl.

    Big hugs!

    1. Aw, thanks Nicki!! I appreciate your support and enthusiasm, even when you are going through some tough stuff right now. Truly means a lot. XO

  16. I’m currently just going through dealing with the loss of a house to a divorce and completely understand your wanting to get a new one. Being in a rental after being a homeowner is… deflating?

    The market is good now and it’ll be good in a year or so still after your savings grows!

  17. I like Momma Sunshine’s comment. It is important that you’re able to recognize what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. I think this was another case of loving (or trusting) more and worrying less, but that’s easier said than done. Excited that you and M will be living together later this year! xoxo

    1. I am excited too πŸ™‚ And I work on self-awareness because it is so important, I think. To just feel what I feel, worry through it if I have to, and move on from there.

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