As the day wore on yesterday, I began to feel agitated, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Here’s what was flitting through my brain yesterday, in no particular order.
I am still Facebook friends with “Brainy Blonde‘ aka ‘the one that almost fit’, and he posted that ‘she said yes!’ – obviously, engaged. I don’t really know why, but my reaction to that was that I wish it were me, in a way. NOT with him, let me just clarify that right now, but as M and I continue down our path together, the more I absolutely see us together for as long as we’re meant to…and that includes marriage (at some point). For as much as I have said that I am keeping a ‘never say never’ attitude about getting married again, I realize that I do want to get married again and cultivate a life together with M. Not that we couldn’t if we weren’t, but it is something I think about relatively often these days.
Am I rushing? No.
Do I want to get married this year? No.
I don’t have any parameters or guidelines for it, I just know in my heart, deep down, he is the one for me, through and through. So maybe my reaction ‘I wish it were me’ was just the feeling of completeness of it. The move forward towards the life I have been building towards. Which leads me to my next thought…
I want to buy a house again. It’ll be almost two years since I had to short sell my house as part of the divorce (TWO YEARS, can you believe that?!) which also means my two year quarantine from buying another home is almost up and I have the house itch, like whoa. I don’t mind renting, but the more I look around at homes for sale and prices much more reasonable than when I was in the house-buying market in 2005 (quite possibly the worst time ever to buy a house, in hindsight…). But I’m not quite there, financially. I have built myself back up from scratch, and I am quite proud of that, but my savings is still very slim, but slowly growing. Within the next year, a house could be in my future…but I just wish it were sooner.
Why did this slip into my mind, lending to my agitation last night? My lease is up this fall. So is M’s. And we have decided that more than anything, we want to live together. It’s a big step, a huge one, in fact, but it doesn’t scare me in the slightest. I am so ready for this and it makes my heart sing. I started a spreadsheet (yes, a spreadsheet!) of apartments to visit in the area that would be a happy medium for me and for M (me being relatively close to family, he being relatively close to where he works). There are some gorgeous apartments and townhouses out there and I know we’ll be able to afford a pretty nice one…but as I heard voices outside of my neighbors next door, and banging around in the townhouse on the other side of me, I just wished it was a house we were looking at, not an apartment. I am already sick of renting, sick of hearing my neighbors through the walls etc. But I know it’s a means towards an end (saving to buy a house, that is), but I still couldn’t help but feel a little down. And the more down I felt, the more annoyed at myself I was. Because the fact is – M and I are moving in together! This is exciting. This is what I want. This is what he wants. And we are doing it together, very soon. A house will happen. I just need to find my ‘patience pants.’
And lastly? My body image issues crept in last night while watching, of all things, the Biggest Loser finale. As happy as I was for these women and men who have come through an incredible weight loss journey, I couldn’t help but feel jealous. The three final women looked amazing. Absolutely gorgeous. Stunning. And I just wanted leaner legs and a flatter stomach. I was comparing myself. I couldn’t believe it. But the only saving grace was that I caught myself doing it really quickly and did my best to squash it. M helped. Told me I don’t need to compare myself to anyone. I am me and I am the best me I can be. I needed to hear that. I guess the fact that I am recognizing my habits is a start, right? But I still felt agitated.
I feel better today (and wow, that was a long post, sorry about that!). It’s a new day. All of the things I felt agitated about are honestly non-issues. They are wants and goals and challenges. But I know deep down, I got this. I am moving forward in every aspect of my life and facing the next phase head-on. I honestly couldn’t be more excited or happy about it. Shoo, agitation, shoo!
*says the girl blogging her heart out, sitting on the patio, with an iced coffee and sun streaming down, warm air floating by. Bliss*