If you could see me now…

My Nonna passed away two years ago today and I know I mentioned it in my throwbacks post about a month ago but I can’t let today pass without saying a few words. More than anything, I wish she could see me now.

Her last remembrance was at the most painful point in my journey, just two months into my separation and ensuing divorce, on Christmas Eve. I was a shell of a person. I was weak. I was sad. I was crumpled. I clung to her words that evening, telling me I would be okay, telling me how much she loved me, and as the tears streamed down my cheeks, it was almost unfathomable for me to believe that I would be.  But I am. Her words were right.

I’ve come so far, I’m proud of my journey and more than anything, I wish she could see me now. In my own place. On my own two feet. Confident, stable, happy, more outgoing than I ever was before. I wish…

And almost more than that? I wish she could have met M. I know she would have absolutely adored him. She would tell him to take care of me and to treat me well and to love me. She would probably pinch his cheek or pull him close to talk to him quietly. And she would accept. And love. And be happy. She would look at me, her smile would rise from her lips and she’d nod and say ‘good. you did good. I like that boy.” I wish…

But I know deep down, she’s there, she’s with me, she knows. I just want to talk to her and tell her that I love her and that I miss her. But then…I see my beautiful niece Isabel and I see Nonna dancing across her face, in her smile, in her eyes. She’s there. She’s beaming with pride. For my sisters and me. She’s happy.

If you could see me now Nonna…I’m happy, in love, and content. Thank you for the 29 years of love you gave us growing up, you are in my heart forever.

“era escrito cosi il libro del destino”

In English:

“look in the sky.  whatever is written in the book of destiny, you can’t change.”

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28 thoughts on “If you could see me now…

  1. What a wonderful post sweetie. I have no doubt she would be sooo incredibly proud of how far you’ve come. I often think that about my grandmother – I wish she could see me now, meet my husband and know my sister’s children.

    1. Aww. I bet your grandmother would love to meet Jason and your sis and kids. They know we are all doing well, and that gives me comfort.

  2. To echo everyone else, yes, she would be proud. I’m proud of you. You are such a strong, awesome, and encouraging woman! Thanks for being great.

  3. This is beautiful.

    And it sounds like, while she is within you now and she *knows*… she knew then too. She could already see your confident smile through your tears.

  4. She’s always smiling down on you, Jo. Always watching and knowing what’s going on in your life. Don’t ever forget that you carry her around with you. 🙂

  5. my mom knew the man when we were kids together. she always loved him. this past mothers day, all i could think was how much she would’ve loved to see us together. but over the course of a very challenging day, i realized that somewhere, she does know. that made it better. i think it’s the same for you. even though she’s moved on, you know she’s with you, she made you who you are, and she’s part of you forever.

    thinking of you today.

    1. aww. Sad to think your mom has passed but you have great memories of her and knowing that she met the man is probably such a good feeling. And your words are so right, she’s with me and she’s part of me, every single day.

  6. I like T’s comment! What a wonderful tribute. She’d be so proud of you. No wait, she IS so proud of you!

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