Sometimes, I wonder.

Sometimes, I wonder.

Am I a doer or a big picture thinker? I struggle with this a lot. In my job right now, I’m kind of tasked with both given my boss is out, but see myself more as a ‘doer’ as that is where my comfort lies…notsomuch in the big picture thinker/idea generation. It never has been my strongest point, so since it’s not my comfort zone, I tend to shy away from it (which I realize, is a bad habit and why I try to stare down my out-of-comfort-zone-ness whenever I can, but sometimes it’s harder to want to do than others).  It makes me wonder if I am cut out to be the big picture thinker/strategy type, or if I’ll tend to focus my career on the doing aspect most of all. It’s not a bad thing, I don’t think, if I do, but there will come a point (as there has come points all along my path) that I’ll be faced with the big picture. So, do I come to terms with that now, rectify it, (or try to), or push forth more towards doer-type roles?

Sometimes, I wonder.

Will I ever feel like I am part of ‘the team’ at work being a remote worker? I know there are others that work remotely across the country, but those in the office just naturally have more of a bond, of course. I miss that feeling. I don’t think I ever ‘mourned’ having that at my old job (for as many things that I didn’t like, teamwork and camaraderie were some of my favorite aspects of it). And maybe I am just feeling a bout of work-loneliness since I haven’t had to travel much since my boss went on leave (which, believe me, I embrace fully!). It makes it harder to feel like I’m part of the team when I don’t see them too often. (though it was good to catch up with some of them last week in Vegas). There are so many things I love about my job and about working remotely, but there are almost as many more challenges that you don’t realize until you’re in this position. They balance each other out, for the most part, but today just feels like one of those ‘out of the loop’ sort of days and it’s tiring. Will I ever fully feel in the loop without having to be the one chasing for it?

Sometimes, I wonder.

Will judgment calls ever get any easier? I deem myself pretty good at determining what is worth doing, in my position, and what isn’t. But when you throw in a lot of office politics and other unknowns that I am still learning and may never fully grasp, what I personally deem as worthy or NOT, as the case may be, doesn’t always jive with the higher-ups. It’s frustrating, to say the least. Causes me to doubt myself and be inclined to just ‘yes’ them to death. Is it a case of big company vs. small company?

Sometimes, I wonder.

Will I ever not doubt myself? Will I ever feel as empowered to confident at decisions? Will I ever *not* feel like an outsider, like the newbie, trying to establish myself? It’s tiring, to say the least. It’s challenging. I’m feeling some burnout. This is me, standing here and assessing where I am now, vs. on January 4, when I began this challenging journey.  I’ve made progress, I’ve tackled a lot, but where do I go from here? What’s next? And pray tell, when can I have a day off? (wink)

Signed,

The overthinking, overzealous challenge-seeking, mentally tired, PMSing, introspective, filled with wonderment, me.

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24 thoughts on “Sometimes, I wonder.

  1. I definitely struggle with the doer vs the big picture thinker at work. Right now it’s really becoming vital that I start thinking big picture too. It’s hard because I am torn in several directions with my position. Trying to get away from some piddly things and stepping into a new role. But I can’t totally focus on the new role with all the other “stuff” I still have lingering over me. I sometimes think I need a day alone to just think!

    1. It IS hard to think ‘big’ when the other day to day stuff gets in the way. Absolutely. And given that’s what I am comfortable with, I veer towards it. It’s a tough balance, but I guess that’s part of learning, too, right?

  2. I wonder nearly all of the same things. Every single day. I wonder what’s the next step, what’s ahead, what do I WANT. And then I try to balance that with what this job affords me – a great lifestyle, a pretty good work/life balance, a boss that gets it, etc. And then I think, well – let’s see what the year brings and then decide. So I’m not sure I have any answers. Just lots more wondering, too.

    1. Exactly. I can’t complain at all about what this job gives me in return and what I have learned and how I have grown, but it begs the question of…what’s next. It’s the way my mind operates I guess.

  3. i think this is a natural sort of challenge we’re all facing as we start looking at the progressions of our working life. i mean, even with the tax clinic i did in law school, it was a weird feeling moving from doer to manager to supervisor. it’s that sort of, “am i really the ‘big kid’ here?” when you stop being the grunt-work provider and start being the planner, the manager, etc., it’s a strange, uncomfortable feeling.

    but i also kinda dig it. once i get that first big “i saw this through” challenge out of the way, they start getting easier. i kinda like being the one consulted for answers. i have the feeling that being the thinker will get more comfortable as it gets more a part of your regular routine.

    1. Great perspective! And I agree, the more I do it, the more I’ll like it. My role is manager now, but at the next level, it will be thinker/higher level/big picture and I guess that scares me. Makes me wonder if it’s even what I want next. Ya know?

  4. While I don’t think you should doubt yourself, it’s perfectly natural, and one of the reasons you’re so awesome. When you know there is a possibility of failure, you’ll work harder to succeed. The doubt (provided it doesn’t cause stagnation) can push you to do better and more.

    1. Can I kiss you? Seriously, you always say the exact right most awesome thing ever. Seriously. I heart you, like whoa. Signed, Baconator.

  5. I’m always second guessing myself too and my guess is you succeed despite your self doubt and that is in part what spurs you on to try your best and gives you an edge.

  6. I guess we never know what lies ahead for us with work,personal issues and life in general. I spent time in work yesterday with a really old guy who I see as wise and very spiritual. I walked away totally zenned out and not at all stressed about work (which has been yuck stressful at the moment). His advice for me was not to think or do but to just be in the moment and live in that moment.

  7. I think second guessing is human nature. Knowing when to listen to those nagging doubts and when to tell them go to hell, that’s harder to figure out.

    I’ve seen so much growth in you this year. I’m so proud of you, so impressed with your abilities. Give yourself a break now and again.

    1. It is second nature for most of us, yeah,. but sometimes it feels paralyzing. I don’t want it to be. And thank you for your ever-lovely words of encouragement. They mean so much.

  8. Big picture vs. doer? Well, if you are one or the other, you should still be able to appreciate that which you’re not (e.g. see the big pic to know where you work fits or appreciate the work that needs to get done for the big pic). But being one or the other, and knowing which you are, is a good place to start.

    That said. Don’t let self-doubt determine what you are. Yes, as many people already commented, self-doubt is natural and can push you to do bigger, better things. But therein lies the rub: is energy directed at manifesting self-doubt and concern about it, or doing something to change it or make it productive? Sure, acknowledging your short-comings is the first step, but the real work is what you do about them. (PS I think overdoing the self-doubt is not helpful!) XOXO!

    1. Great feedback, Nikki, thanks. Yes, I agree, being one or the other and appreciating the one you are not? I am all over that, yes! It is good to see the other side and appreciate it for what it is. As for the self doubt and whether that motivates or inhibits…of course, I’d like to think it always motivates me to shoot higher but I am human and sometimes it paralyzes me. But I’m trying not to let it.

  9. I personally think judgement calls and big picture thinking will get easier for you the more chances you get to do it. But if you truly feel your strength is in “doing” then maybe it would pay off to concentrate much more on that. Make yourself excellent at what you do best. 🙂

    1. It is easier the more you do it, you’re right on that. And I have been doing a lot of it lately, it just feels like operating in siloes sometimes. Ya know? THAT i hate.

  10. I laughed when I read this, because we are such opposites! I can’t “do” to save my life, but I am constantly thinking about the big picture. For that reason, I envy your ability to just get down and do what you need to do. That is an admirable quality, and is something I love about you.

    1. Ha! I love that we are so different yet alike too, because your perspective helps ME since it is usually different from mine, on certain things, and helps me think. Your big picture thinking is ALSO quite admirable my dear 🙂

  11. You’ll get to a point where you feel more comfortable. It’ll take some time, just as with ANY relationship. Unfortunately, it may take MORE time since you are remote… but it’ll happen.

    ((hugs))

    1. Yes, the remote-ness does take more work so I know that will be part of it. and when I am there, I need to step out of my zone and try more too. I know I do.

  12. The world needs doers and big thinkers. I view that as win-win. And, I hope you continue to feel more a part of the team with each big project and event, thereby doubting yourself less! xoxo

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