It’s been a week since I started my food log and just a few days ‘officially’ into the 60 day challenge, but I figured it would be good to use Sundays to share my thoughts on the journey so far, small (and big!) rocks, and motivation for the week ahead.
Running. ‘Nuf said.
I’ve run twice in the past 5 days and the first was outside, by myself. I knew running alone would be a challenge since it’s even harder to try to control my breathing and keep going when I’m struggling. And it was a struggle. I won’t lie. I was frustrated as hell. I was more run/walking than running straight and I hate that. I just want to run, say, a few miles, without having to stop. That should not be so much to ask as I have done far more than that without stopping before (hello, half marathon), but now, even a mile straight feels insanely hard. I can’t breathe properly. I start to panic and my breathing gets out of control. So I stop and it takes me a few minutes to actually catch my breath. Not. Cool. Even with the inhaler (though I think I didn’t quite take two full puffs which may not have helped matters). Ended up with 4.5 miles, but again, some run/walking, which was very frustrating.
The second run was today. I opted for the damn dreadmill since we’re expecting the next 6-7 days of STRAIGHT RAIN. And if I’ve learned anything with my running struggles is that rain, cold air, and wetness in the air generally makes it even harder for me to breathe. I did okay with my breathing in terms of control, for the most part, but my stamina was again part of my struggle. Once my breathing got to a point where it was borderline tough to control, I slowed down to a fast walk/jog and my chest felt tight and heavy. Again, not. cool. I managed 3.5 miles, slightly better than the first run, but not by much.
I just want improvement. I just want the inhaler to do its job. I just want to run without hating it, without fearing it, and without anxiety. I know part of this is mental, but a huge part of it is very real. It scares me to think I may not be able to fix this. Failure isn’t an option. It’s just simply not.
Anyone that can run like a gazelle (I say this to M all the time when he trots along unfazed!). That can run for miles without pain or wheezing or feeling like one more step is not possible. Anyone that is improving.
I get jealous. I see the tweets, I read the blog posts, and I get jealous.
I see my sister improving her running, getting her mojo back, and I get jealous.
And I HATE it. I hate being jealous. I hate comparing. I hate that I do compare myself. I am me, nobody else, so why do I still do it?
This goes hand in hand with my self-image and body issues. I bought this book today (thanks Sunshine, for suggesting it) and I am hopeful that it helps because I am sick of comparing and knocking myself down. I need to see myself the way you all see me (and thank you all that commented or addresses this with me in real life…including Tanya, from Barre N9ne. Thank you.)
No, really, it does.
I am thinking before eating. I am planning ahead on weekends so I can have that extra glass of wine and still be within my calorie limits (yes, I have some priorities on weekends! I don’t want to give up wine, so I’ll smartly plan for it). I feel healthier. I feel perhaps lighter (perhaps mentally more than physically, who knows really), more energetic and hopeful.
Hopeful that this challenge is going to do so much for me in so many ways. But I have to put the work in. I have to be focused. I have to be motivated.
And I am. I really really am. I thought the food part would be a much harder struggle. But so far, it’s not (and they say the first week is the hardest, and it really hasn’t been too bad. Just adjustments). I actually really recommend it to anyone that wants to reign in on their eating, or just see how many calories they tend to eat and reality-check that against what they maybe should be eating.
We had our first 1:1 with Tanya on Saturday and holy wow, it was tough. In part because well, frankly, it’s a lot harder when it’s just the two of us with her in the studio. Less temptation to stop early or take a mini break. Even more focused on form and endurance.
I felt motivated. I felt like I was carrying myself differently. More purposefully. With more intent and awareness.
This is what I love about barre-based workouts. I already feel like I can see some slight improvements. That feels like another small rock and is so motivating.
So, despite my frustrations and jealousy? I am actually feeling pretty good about where this is going and how I am feeling. I am hopeful for change – mentally and physically. I am focused and feeling strong. I am motivated.
This week we have four classes and a fifth (hopefully) on Saturday outside at a park (SO fun). It’s going to be tough. But I can’t wait to get started (and hopefully have a few more chances at some runs that don’t suck quite as bad as the other two).
Happy Sunday all…enjoy the rest of it, mmk? I sure plan to.
(Re-reading this, I feel like one big ramble. I won’t be offended if you bypass this or are already sick of me waxing on about this stuff. But on the other hand, I hope some of what I say resonates with you, if you did read…)