Complacency.

Given I haven’t been traveling the past few weeks, M and I have been trying to see each other more during the week than usual (has been 1-2 times a week prior) and I must say, I am loving it. It makes me more and more want to live with him…I am already getting sick of packing an overnight bag and vice versa, and we just really jive so well when we do get to spend an extended amount of time together on weekends and such, so I know it will be a natural transition…when it happens. (but that’s a topic for another post, but there, I said it!).

Last night, M came by after work. He was running late and I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was irritable from the day. He doesn’t usually let work affect him too much, but he *is* human after all, and sometimes it is unavoidable. When he arrived, he greeted me with a smile, a kiss and happiness in his eyes, but I could tell he wasn’t quite himself. We talked a bit over dinner about his day (and  mine, and he of course was just as congratulatory as all of you were, thank you!) but he kept glancing at the Bruins game on TV and being distracted.

This is highly unusual for him because he (and me, too) both make a concerted effort to be ‘present’ during meals and anytime we’re together, really, and not be sidetracked by stuff on TV or our phones or whatever. So, the more he did that (until I made it clear it was annoying me, and he stopped), the more I felt disconnected. I knew he wanted to ‘be’ with me and be present, but it was as though he couldn’t shake off the day and it was affecting him through and through. I found myself letting that then affect me, and I ended up reading some more blogs, texting with my sister and it felt like we were falling into complacency.

Maybe it’s on my mind because of my post the other day, or this beautiful post from City Girls’ World today, but I went to bed last night wanting a do-over of the night. Because last night was so NOT who we usually are together, and I guess it goes along with the ebbs and flows in any relationship. Everyone has bad days. Where they aren’t themselves and can’t quite shake it off. If/when we do live together, those moods will be there out in the open in all their ugly glory, instead of hidden away separately (if he were at home, for example, instead of with me last night), so of course we both need to learn to figure out how to cope with that.

Know when the other needs space.

Or when they simply need a hug and a kiss.

Or to watch the Bruins game and unplug.

So, when I woke up this morning, I gave him an extra squeeze, snuggle and kiss, and told him I wanted a do-over for last night. He smiled and suggested we stay home all day *ahem* just where we were in bed. We went for a run together, instead, and though it was unspoken much of the way, as I focused on my breathing (with my new inhaler), he was right next to me, every step of the way, giving me support, telling me I was doing great, and when we finished, I couldn’t have felt much greater.

The fear of complacency was the swift kick in the ass reminder I needed never, ever, ever, to take him or what we have for granted. Sometimes it’s the unspoken gestures, the knowing thoughts, the few and simple words that make you realize…we’re right where we’re meant to be. Perhaps at another evolution of our relationship, as we move forward, together, but united.

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39 thoughts on “Complacency.

  1. Oh girl, if you were taking it for granted, you wouldn’t have noticed a disconnect. We all have bad nights. And since you haven’t had a night like that before, it’s normal for it to stand out. You’ll both find your space.

    Great post!

      1. And also… it’s not complacency so much as it’s comfort. He felt comfortable enough with you to act as if he was in his own environment. He felt comfortable enough with you to allow himself a night to just BE, without trying to act like anything else. He felt comfortable enough to relax with you without worry.

        That’s pretty huge, really.

        1. Ya know? Good point T! That is true too. I just gotta take my time in continuing to figure him out and him me. I thought I kinda nailed it, in a sense, already (TWSS? LOL), but there’s plennnnnty of time for that!

    1. It is, but the difference is, I don’t want to get into a routine of zoning out. If that makes sense. I want him to have his space and me mine, of course, but I guess what I struggled with was wanting to help him shake it off, and sometimes that just isn’t gonna happen. He always does, eventually, but doesn’t mean I can always do it myself!

  2. I say not only is it NORMAL for you guys to sometimes not be zoned in, I’d say it is impossible to stay 100% focused all the time. At some point, the more time you spend together, the more of these days are going to happen and that’s totally “ok.” Don’t worry 🙂

    I am waiting for the first decent fight post, not because I want that for you guys, but because that is normal too!!! You will recall that you and Pete didn’t fight, but that didn’t mean it was solid. Disagreements and disconnects are inevitable, and dare I say it, even healthy. Two people will never be totally in sync at all times forever.

    That said, I admire what you two have and I give you so much credit for being willing to work on any challenges.

    1. You’re right, we won’t always be focused on each other when we are together…if we were living together, for example, we wouldn’t be ONLY doing stuff with each other or anything. I wouldn’t expect that at all. But when we are spending an evening together, to um, spend time together, I was thinking it wasn’t going to be a zone-out night. If that makes any sense. It might not.

      As for the first fight – ya know, I am waiting for that too! I WANT to fight! LOL, well, I don’t, but because Pete and I never did, I am supremely aware of never pushing stuff under the carpet just so it won’t cause a fight. But hey, last night when I was talking to him and he completely didn’t hear me cuz he was watching the game? I was pretty annoyed. Does that count? 😉

      1. I’d say it absolutely counts if you let him know you were annoyed!

        I still can’t believe that at just about 8 months in, you guys haven’t had THE big fight yet. I luv ya Jo, if that were me, it would have been more like 3 months in or less. HA! What can I say, I have fire in my blood.

        1. ha! Actually, I thought of one! The ‘honest conversation’ post awhile back was pretty much a fight…even though it was more my stupid PMS that caused it, but I definitely got mad. See! 😉 I am not a ‘fighter’ by nature, so I’m not overly surprised we haven’t fought much, but I am aware of it and want to always address stuff when it comes up, not bury it (like I used to)

  3. I agree with the others that the fact that this happened, and that you noticed it and said something about it, is a really good thing. We all have off days but it’s great when you can use those moments of disconnect to get re-(or even more)connected. Glad that you guys had a great morning and congrats on the run!!

  4. these things happen. i don’t even necessarily see it as a bad thing. i mean, reality isn’t snuggly all the time. if he can see me at my angriest, most annoyed, saddest, sickest, etc., and still think the world of me, well, what’s better than that?

    besides, this leads to my favorite part of the fight: the making up. 🙂

  5. I love how conscious you guys are of your time together. I know that Jason and I all too often take our evenings for granted. A lot of it is because of everything throughout the day…life. But on those evenings or days when we remember to connect better, they really help ease any tension of the day. So thank you for this reminder. And thank you for going to the doc!!!!

    1. It is easy to fall into and I’m not saying that you have to drop everything every single minute of every night, but there should be some 1:1 time, ya know? But everyone has their days where they just can’t shake it off. That was last night I think! And yes, I was hoping you’d like my visit to the doc 😉

  6. I honestly think this was just you not sure what his “zoning out” cue meant (not to say that avoiding complacency isn’t VERY important, because it is, totally)…he probably just needed a good half hour to just veg/zone/not think. And while I’m sure he loves your convos over dinner and it makes him happy to connect with you this way, maybe sometimes he does need a few mins of non-thinking activity (like watching the Bruins, ha) before you dive into convo and stuff. Not to say that staying close, not getting complacent isn’t important, like I said…but also wondering if maybe you were being a little hard on yourself for how last night panned out. It just takes getting used to reading eachother’s cues – something I am STILL learning with Scott…even today.

    1. You have a good point sis…it is taking cues and reading each other. Something that takes time to develop. It’s ‘only’ been just shy of 8 months, so of course, this will take time to develop. I just want to enjoy every minute I’m with him and it was the first time I was sort of feeling meh, because he was just not really himself. But it happens.

  7. I think it is much harder on men and yet they internalize a lot of it. You did the right thing just by being there to hug and kiss him. I am sure he appreciates this more than you know!

    1. That is a great point, Lindsay. he DEFINITELY internalizes a lot. He will say he had a bad day, mention one reason why, and when I ask any other questions about more details, he tends to shut down and brush it off. I’m trying to get him to open up more, but sometimes, I just need to know to let it be (and some of it he can’t always tell me, for HIPAA reasons anyway)

  8. Oh girl, I could have wrote this post. I have these exact moments and thoughts that creep in when we have “off” days. I hate it. I worry, I question and then I tell my dumbass to get over it.Especially the next morning. I get it.

    1. Ha! Glad I’m not the only one 😉 It was an off day. It happens. We are both still adjusting to the men in our lives, right??

  9. I think it’s so good how you’re so aware of what’s going on with M and in the relationship and willing to chat and change things and discuss things. I know for myself I haven’t been the best communicator in relationships with men in the past.

  10. You are getting closer to living together, and these things happen. There will be nights that he wants to watch the game and all that attention that we soaked in during the dating phase will change. Remember…change is good, but it’s also good to stay on top of things so that they don’t create an issue later on.

    Be patient. Be honest. Keep talking. You’ve got this. You two love each and can work through anything you want to work through.

    Big hugs.

    1. Thank you Nicki…some great words from you, as always. Change is good, definitely, as is keeping things open and honest rather than bottling them up. XO!

  11. Great awareness of the moment. For me it often takes so long to “get” what was happening or the reason for the moods/behavior. I find I am pretty afraid of making a mess of my new relationship. I guess I figure being divorced doesn’t give me a very good track record. I know I just need to continue to work on the areas I suck at and not just declare doom and gloom. Sometimes the day can get to you, though, and everything looks bad! Anyway, thanks for the reminder to be aware and in-tune with things on a regular basis.

    1. You’re right, sometimes that day CAN get you. And don’t chalk yourself up as divorced and mistaken-ridden….I obviously come from the same background and think it only makes you more aware. I know it sounds like you’re having a rough go of it right now, but I’m sure it is all things you are working on diligently. hang in there.

  12. But you will. And that’s totally normal. Don’t be afraid of that. There’s a lot of comfort in complacency. That being said, you must remember to cherish each other, compliment each other. Feelings are okay–even the not-so-great one’s–in moderation.

    PS. GO WINGS! 😉

  13. I definitely know what you mean. As time has gone on, the effort to put all other things aside and focus on the relationship can go, too. When you finally fall into a bit of a routine, you can get complacent. Or maybe you just don’t know what a person needs from you when they’re having an off day. Sometimes the BF bottles things up so much the next little thing will cause him to be snippy. Or he’ll want some space. Or he wants my advice. Or he just wants to vent. It can take a while to read the signs and figure out what it’s going to be. It’s hard to realize that you are the same way, that they are trying to figure you out and read you as well.

    Communication is so key. Glad to hear you got your “do-over” with M! Timely reminder. 🙂

    1. I definitely think it was more the “Or maybe you just don’t know what a person needs from you when they’re having an off day.” aspect more than anything. I am figuring it out, ever so slowly! Was nice to have a do-over morning though 🙂

  14. Just now catching up on everything. I hope everything feels better between you two. I agree with everyone else who said it’s normal. But I still think the fact that you notice it means that everything will be fine. It’s far better than just sweeping it under the rug.

  15. I totally agree with T! I’m glad that you had a do-over day, but the longer you’re together, the more days you’ll have that won’t be perfect. The challenge isn’t making it through the good times, but the bad, after all ;). xoxo

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