Of opportunity, new beginnings and potential.

Confession.

I totally got sucked into watching the Royal Wedding this morning (even though I wasn’t going to let myself get fed into the hype!).

But what struck me was not the glitz, glamour and well, hype, but what it signified to me.

Seeing this couple and listening to the vows and words by the priest, what I realized was that I actually do believe in the premise of marriage. But how I see it now, versus how I used to see it before I got married.

I see marriage as an opportunity. To start anew. To continue the relationship foundation you’ve build over however much time you’ve been together, and taking the opportunity to start fresh. To not be a laggard and take for granted what you’ve built up.

It’s a new beginning more than an extension of what you already have.

I see marriage as potential. As an opportunity to take your relationship further and to establish a (hopefully) lifetime bond.

It might sound obvious, but I honestly never thought ahead of ‘what happens next’ after marriage. You get married and boom, you’re done. That’s sort of how I felt.

And that’s exactly the wrong way to think about it and exactly the reason why I am no longer married.

I take ownership for that just as much as my ex-husband.

And until now, I never looked at it that way. But I’m not entirely innocent in the end of my marriage. I got stagnant just as much as he did. He just saw it before I did.

If you look at marriage as the end-goal and not the beginning of a new goal, failure is almost absolutely in your future (mine).

It takes work, it takes communication, it takes trust, faith, fighting, and loving the shit out of that person. Not just taking it for granted ‘just’  because you’re married.

If I ever get married again (which I don’t think is out of the realm of possibility!)…I will own it. Because it’s mine to make just as it is mine to break (and the same goes for relationships in general, of course).

Wow. It never ceases to amaze me how I continue to learn things from my divorce, two+ years later.

~~

Happy Friday everyone…super busy weekend ahead, but a goodie. Most exciting? The baby shower for one of my closest friends. I can’t wait to share in the celebration of baby-to-come, a baby that is truly a miracle.

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32 thoughts on “Of opportunity, new beginnings and potential.

  1. this is awesome! the way we think about things, “declaring” the ideas really, has a huge impact. it’s amazing, and we often are not aware of it!

    seeing a marriage as a new beginning, as the START of something wonderful, even if you’ve been together a while, is a great way to embrace it! 🙂

    1. Hey, thanks for visiting!! Must be from Heather’s fab blog today! Thank you, I will visit yours too 🙂 And seeing marriage as the start or something, not the extension of, is the way I like to look at it…makes it seem less stagnant, or the ability to GET stagnant, right? Have a great weekend.

  2. Hi, I agree with everything you said here (other than watching the royal wedding, but you already know how I feel about that, lol)

    But about being complacent in your marriage, and not owning it. Yup, I totally did that too. It is never one-sided and there is never just one “bad” guy, we all play our parts.

  3. LOVE everything about this. It’s exactly how I look at my relationship with Scott – it’s mine to own, to embrace, to always be working on, to always be growing. I see the very same (already) in you and M…always a work-in-progress. The best kind of work.

  4. Love all this and I TOTALLY agree with your new perspective on marriage. Its not the end but the beginning! I have learned this during this year for sure! Marriage doesn’t just drive itself, autopilot does not apply! xoxo

  5. Great post, it’s so true, the wedding is only the beginning of the journey. I think we women can get so focused and caught up on the big day and stress about the dress, the invites etc and not think about the bigger more picture.

    So glad you’re open to the possibility of marriage again.

    Love the quote you’ve used, it’s so beautiful. Found a great quote in Self magazine, “you have to be willing to give up the life you planned to have the life that’s waiting for you”.

  6. Great post. Since I have a beau now, I’ve thought about whether I would ever get married again. The thought of getting and being married is frightening. Even though I’ve learned sooo much from my divorce, it was easily the worst and most painful experience I’ve ever experienced. It’s such a huge step to take, especially when you think of the losses should it fail…again. I botched it good once…who’s to think I wouldn’t do it again?! Despite these fears and negative chatter going through my mind, I think I am open to it. At least that’s how I feel today!

    1. There are a lot of unknowns with thinking about marriage again. I totally agree. But when you meet the right one, I think it’s worth keeping that door open. It sounds like you are, and I think that’s great!

  7. Ok, first: “Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence.”

    Funny this should come up for me today; I just listened to an episode of the podcast “The Tobolowsky Files,” in which Stephen Tobolowsky makes this point: we tend to think of love and marriage and relationships as events when really, they are processes. Events just happen, whereas processes continue and evolve with time.

    I have to agree. And it seems you do, too. 🙂

    It seems to me that events can be exciting, but processes are the stuff of life. We are all works in progress. So is any successful relationship or marriage.

    I don’t know whether I’d be up for marriage again any time soon (or ever), but anything worthwhile takes some care and attention. Congrats on finding something worthwhile! Gives me hope!

    1. Wow, some bloggy love from INRIS! I feel special 😉
      I am glad you agree…and describing it as a process, not an event is another great way of putting it. I am open to the idea of marriage again, but that’s not to say that it’s black and white either. There’s plenty of gray area too, when you think about diving back into it. I think if you meet the right one someday (soon!), it may eventually be something you may reconsider. Just maybe 😉

  8. i was a baby-child when i married the ex. just an infant. i’m still not sure how i was allowed in the world unsupervised. i had been 21 for 11 days when i walked down the aisle. i had no idea what i was doing. i didn’t think that marrying someone would make a difference in the way the relationship worked. i had no idea how different dating a boy was from marrying a life partner.

    now that i understand a) what marriage actually is and b) the consequences of getting it wrong, i feel fully prepared to look at the whole institution again. it’s not only that i have a partner i love dearly AND respect as an adult – it’s that i know what i’d be getting myself into.

    kinda sucks that it takes something so apocalyptic to drive some sense into us about this stuff, eh?

    hope you’re having a fantastic weekend! 🙂

    1. Wow, 21! THAT is young. I think it is very similar to what M has described our love as…mature love, not immature love, which is what we both had when we were with our exes, because we were with them so long ago and so young, that it sort of stunted that love, again, through complacency and other issues, to our own faults, not just our exes. It’s amazing how powerful hindsight is…

  9. you know, i did THE SAME THING. i swore i wouldn’t touch that spectacle with a ten foot pool, and last night, i was eating cake in bed and hunting something to watch, and FOUR HOURS LATER i had that feeling of guilty remorse like when the spoon scraped the bottom of the ice cream carton. 😉

    what really struck me:

    1. her age. i married at twenty and divorced at thirty, and i completely suffer from this horribly incorrect perception that i am too old to start again. UM, NO! most people were learning and dating when I was mopping floors and begging for babies- in my twenties. so, if a thirty year old girl can still become a princess, then maybe a thirty one year old girl still has a chance at forever…. maybe.

    2. the readings she picked- and *she* picked all of them, with Will’s input, I imagine, but this phrase struck me like lightning:

    love one another with mutual affection;
    anticipate one another in showing honor.

    my entire marriage was pretty much a pissing match. we were always grappling for power, even when we were loving towards each other, in hindsight it was almost always rooted in power. who loved more, who loved better, who was vindicated in the “proof” of their love.

    the second line, to me anyway, speaks to a level of respect and trust that my marriage very rarely had.

    we aren’t divorced because our love couldn’t withstand our hardships. we’re divorced because our foundation was flawed to begin with, as it was missing those pillars of mutual respect and trust that keep everything stable under the weight of life.

    also, if i ever marry again, i want chapel bells. dammit. 😉

    1. I absolutely love your comment and viewpoint on this verybadcat. So refreshing. It’s amazing how much you learn after going through something like divorce, especially after marrying at a young age, and all you come away with when you recover from it. FTR, you totally deserve those chapel bells you want!! XO

  10. I was the same. I thought that being married meant we would be together forever. I (or rather we) should have worked at things a bit harder. We didn’t and ended up divorced.

    The good thing is that I will learn from the mistakes I’ve made (I hope!).

    1. Exactly. It’s NOT automatic that you will be. You gotta work fro that. It’s a tough lesson to realize the very hard way, but I truly believe when it happens, it’s mean to!

  11. Beautiful way to look at marriage. I did the same. Maybe it was because I was 22 when I got married the first time? I don’t know. I got stagnant as well with the relationship.

    1. Very well could be age, too. And now? You appreciate and know what you have, after losing what you thought was your everything.

    1. Exactly, right?? But I bet so many that have gone through divorce now see it as an opportunity, not as an end-state…sometimes it takes going through it to realize it. IMHO.

  12. I think I look at the concept of marriage very differently. I think that many people see it as “the next step” as a couple, where as I see it as something you do to commit to maintain and grow a relationship you have already built up to a point where it is strong and sturdy, past just the foundation.

    I guess I just don’t like that many people see marriage as a stepping stone in a relationship, when I think that it should be–not necessarily an “ending”–but the top of the staircase before a nice long winding path, ya know?

    I also think that some people who don’t necessarily have the best relationships have unrealistic expectations that things will be better/different when they get married.

    I do however agree that you have to own and work at your marriages after the wedding day, just like you have to work at your relationships before the big day.

  13. It’s so important to realize that there is life beyond “the wedding”. I think so many couples forget about that. And oh my goodness, Kate Middleton – SO pretty!

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