Letting go.

When M first said ‘I love you’, I held back.

When M showers me with love and caring and says how much he loves me and how much I mean to him, I hung back.

But his reaction to my story, and the time we’ve spent together in the last couple of months in particular has done something to me.

I’m not holding back.

I’m letting go.

I’m embracing his love and sharing it back, more than I ever have.

I’m not scared anymore.

I’ve said that before, I know, and I can’t quite place when the change happened in me, but I look at M and I see my life, my future, and I never want to take that for granted or hang back. I want to embrace it and hold on tight, because love like this doesn’t come around too often and when it does, you better hold on tight because it’s worth it.

So this feeling has overcome me, I see him and us differently lately. And in a way, it’s made me feel clingy. I want to spend every day with him, even though that’s not always possible (nor necessarily the ‘right’ thing to do in the name of balance, friendships, me time etc). I want to wake up next to him each and every day. I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him.

With abandon. Without holding back.

I even told him I felt clingy and he said ‘never feel clingy. you aren’t clingy. I want to spend as much time with you as I can too.”

Part of me wonders if he felt a little bit short-changed when I was holding back, wondering where my heart lay, and if I was in this as completely as he was. But I am and I always have been. I was just allowing fear more than allowing love.

Part of me senses that he sees this change in me too, it’s the flicker in his eye, the closeness of his hugs and the words he whispers when we drift off to sleep (“I love you so much…more than you’ll ever know”).

And when my grandmother said to me yesterday “so when is your ‘almost husband’ going to come up to Maine for a visit?” I laughed, hesitated, and then said “he’ll come up soon, he had to go to his parents’ for Easter’) and she laughed and said “so you admit it!” and I laughed again…she totally let me walk right into that one, didn’t she?

But I thought to myself…she could be very right about that, and it doesn’t scare me. I feel more strongly than ever that we will go the distance. That we were meant to meet that September day, in what feels like a lifetime ago.

Letting go…and embracing the love we’ve cultivated.

*not us, but you get the jist...*

~~

Re-reading this post over a few times, I feel all over the place. Maybe I’m not, hopefully it flows enough, if you’re reading. I have some other posts swirling in my mind…Easter, M, sharing and listening etc etc and etc! Stay tuned…

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33 thoughts on “Letting go.

  1. I don’t think you left M feeling short-changed by your initial response to hang back a little bit. You were just allowing yourself to ease into this thing called love and now that you’re “there” – you are ready to let it all out in the open, no hiding or holding it back. And I think it’s awesome…at just the right time for YOU which is important. Not forced, not rushed, but on your timetable. Just perfect. I love this transition and have totally sensed it by watching from afar. And honestly? Even I’ve changed how I react to M – I feel much closer to him as quasi-sister-in-law than ever, and LOVE that. not that this is at all about me or anything, haha. And see? Now I’m the all-over-the-place one!

  2. When you find a love like this one, it’s good to hold on. πŸ™‚

    Relationships deepen over time, in stages…and it sounds to me like you’re just going a little deeper. *

    (*totally a TWSS moment….lol….sorry!!)

  3. This is fantastic! I’m glad you’re kicking back and allowing the good things in your life to blossom to their full potential. LOL about what your Grandma said- mine had said the same thing a time or two in the past.

  4. No you’re not all over the place at all. Makes perfect sense. Seems like your story was a big weight on your shoulders and that’s been lifted now. M knows the whole ugly, heart-breaking story. In knowing all of it, he can also understand why you do the things you do or react the way you might react. It’s almost like you thought that your story would somehow make him not care as much for you. But now that it’s out there, you see that he loves you just the same (if not more). I better get an invite to the future event πŸ˜‰

  5. This is wonderful. As someone who went through a painful divorce I understand that holding back, even when you don’t realize you’re doing it! It’s OK…it’s what everyone does I would think…that’s been where you and I were. I think this is beautiful though. It reminds me of how I felt when DH entered my life. Even when my sister or anyone would say we were going to get married I say NO WAY! But I’d secretly hope I was wrong and they were right πŸ™‚ It’s so wonderful. Congrats and Yay for you for noticing it!

    1. I secretly hope they are right too…since it’s also my first reaction to say “no way” to marriage…just a knee jerk reaction, ya know? It is wonderful! Thank you!

  6. I remember GJ and I going through phases like this. Where suddenly, things felt differently like something shifted. I remember one day him saying to me, “You have a lot of power in this. You could make or break me.” It scared me because I felt so… responsible for things. Then gradually, I caught up to that place too. We’ve both grown so much and closer. Waxing and waning together through different phases. You’ll find it’s an interesting process if you can step aside and blog it/be aware of it. Rising up together in love and trust.

    “I was just allowing fear more than allowing love.” <- I love that! Isn't it true?!? It may happen again. Just remember to keep allowing!

    So happy to see this perfectly natural progression of things. Beautiful!

    1. Love your perspective on this too, I also ‘get’ the responsibility thing too, I sort of feel that way sometimes, but now feel like it’s ‘catch up’ time and we are on even keel that way. I WAS allowing fear, and now, allowing love feels much better. XO!

  7. roll that stone away and let it flow. i felt nervous being forthright about how i felt about the man for the longest time. but i don’t feel that way anymore. i really did have to thaw post-divorce to let myself… let loose, i guess. but now? i don’t hold back. and he appreciates it. it’s so much better.

    cheers to full-on, 100% stated l-o-v-e. πŸ™‚

  8. Wow I’m so glad you’re embracing this love and just going for it with M. Sounds like it’s one special connection you guys have and you’re right, you were definitely meant to meet in September last and M was meant to come into your life at that time.

    I totally get how you held back, I’d be like that too especially when you’ve been hurt in a past relationship. I’m really happy for you now that you’re being you and giving all to the relationship. I’m liking your grandmother’s thinking, you can always come here on honeymoon!

    1. Ha-ha! Good ‘egging on’ with the honeymoon in Ireland thing πŸ˜‰ though that does sound fabulous! And thank you, I am really appreciating what we’ve built together!

  9. I used to hold back a lot when Peter & I were first together out of fear and not trusting I deserved that kind of affection. You do deserve all the best and I’m happy you are opening up. He is a great guy it seems and I can tell how happy he makes you. Opening up will make that happiness even MORE prevalent. πŸ™‚

  10. Love this friend! And I know exactly what you mean about feeling clingy…when it’s the right man, that comes and goes for years…and the best part is when you’re wanted that much right back! πŸ™‚

  11. This is good, but hard for me. The second I thought I could maybe do this same thing with the Iraqi, the truth about his parents came out. Just at the time when I let my guard down and decide to let him in, I got burnt. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go thru this again. I’m tired of getting my hopes up. All that to say, I’m happy you’ve found someone worth letting your guard down for. That’s good.

    1. It IS very difficult, especially when you have been hurt. I am so sorry that you have been, and so recently, too. I think that you will find that right person, I am so hopeful for you for that.

  12. Loved reading this. It’s a powerful lesson because we allow fear to drive so much in life and by doing that we miss out.

    Hoping to get where you are someday,

  13. I, too, have that clingy feeling these days. I want to be with S as often as possible, which is about 5 days a week, so I have nothing to complain about there!

    But I have not yet lost that fear. I remember you posting a while back about the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I expressed it then, and I still feel it now that I am not there yet.

    As we continue to grow, and as the newness wears off and things become less novel and more significant and deeper and REAL, I find myself more and more wanting a life with him forever, but I am not yet certain that it will happen. I still have the fear of the possibility of failure.

    And who is to say if that is something that is directly related to our specific relationship or more the fact that I’m not even divorced yet. In other words, it has been less time for me in this new world, whereas you have been out longer…growing as your own person.

    I’m still a little green.

    1. You are a little less ‘green’ but that doesn’t mean you are necessarily any less ready. IMHO. But the fear of the other shoe dropping is indeed real…I don’t actually feel that way anymore, and I think that’s a huge reason why I CAN allow love more than fear. I think you’ll get there too.

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