When M first said ‘I love you’, I held back.
When M showers me with love and caring and says how much he loves me and how much I mean to him, I hung back.
But his reaction to my story, and the time we’ve spent together in the last couple of months in particular has done something to me.
I’m not holding back.
I’m letting go.
I’m embracing his love and sharing it back, more than I ever have.
I’m not scared anymore.
I’ve said that before, I know, and I can’t quite place when the change happened in me, but I look at M and I see my life, my future, and I never want to take that for granted or hang back. I want to embrace it and hold on tight, because love like this doesn’t come around too often and when it does, you better hold on tight because it’s worth it.
So this feeling has overcome me, I see him and us differently lately. And in a way, it’s made me feel clingy. I want to spend every day with him, even though that’s not always possible (nor necessarily the ‘right’ thing to do in the name of balance, friendships, me time etc). I want to wake up next to him each and every day. I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him.
With abandon. Without holding back.
I even told him I felt clingy and he said ‘never feel clingy. you aren’t clingy. I want to spend as much time with you as I can too.”
Part of me wonders if he felt a little bit short-changed when I was holding back, wondering where my heart lay, and if I was in this as completely as he was. But I am and I always have been. I was just allowing fear more than allowing love.
Part of me senses that he sees this change in me too, it’s the flicker in his eye, the closeness of his hugs and the words he whispers when we drift off to sleep (“I love you so much…more than you’ll ever know”).
And when my grandmother said to me yesterday “so when is your ‘almost husband’ going to come up to Maine for a visit?” I laughed, hesitated, and then said “he’ll come up soon, he had to go to his parents’ for Easter’) and she laughed and said “so you admit it!” and I laughed again…she totally let me walk right into that one, didn’t she?
But I thought to myself…she could be very right about that, and it doesn’t scare me. I feel more strongly than ever that we will go the distance. That we were meant to meet that September day, in what feels like a lifetime ago.
Letting go…and embracing the love we’ve cultivated.
Re-reading this post over a few times, I feel all over the place. Maybe I’m not, hopefully it flows enough, if you’re reading. I have some other posts swirling in my mind…Easter, M, sharing and listening etc etc and etc! Stay tuned…