A throwback of a different kind.

Speaking of throwbacks, I had a major flashback yesterday in my Group Ride class yesterday (read this post from my sis to see where it originated), that threw me back into December of 2008, when I was at one of my most fragile points.

Why did Group Ride bring me back to that emotional point? Because I had just joined this gym, as my old gym closed its doors suddenly (it was actually really good timing, as there was this lovely old man that reminded me of my grandfather who sat at the front desk at my old gym, and he absolutely adored my ex and me and was always chatting us up at the gym. I could barely look him in the eyes anymore and never had the heart to tell him we were separating. I just would play along with it and make excuses for why he wasn’t with me…sad, right?).

Looking back on that day at the gym…here’s what I so succinctly remember:

I walked in to my very first spinning class, scared out of my trees (f or some reason, spinning always used to intimidate me. The dark room, the loud music, the uh, spinning). Thankfully my sister Jess was with me, but I was nervous and just never did well in new situations. I got very shy, I’d hang in the back, and try to blend in. Thus what I did then, too.

(I also do recall soon after meeting who I so fondly referred to as “CSB” or cute spin boy, my very first crush after separating from my ex. Though he ended up having a girlfriend, it taught me ‘how’ to flirt again, and that I could like someone else. So all was not lost. And hey, I can still admit that he’s cute!)

But soon after the class started, I felt that adrenalin rush, the fear was subsiding and though it was absolutely one of the most difficult classes I had ever (and still think it is the hardest workout – next to running – that I have ever done) and hearing the very same songs as in that class, fast forwarded to yesterday, was a crystallizing moment for me.

The me then compared to the me now is such a stark contrast. As the songs played during the class and my adrenaline was flying, it felt as though I had a montage of scenes rushing through my mind…

…from those dark days in late 2008, the fear I felt, the sadness, theΒ  meakness and the inability to stand up and be strong…

….to 2009, a year where I saw transition, the heartbreaking short sale of my house (which, in hindsight was a blessing), and my divorce commence.

…t0 2010, probably one of the happiest years I’ve ever had, all things considered, a year where I really came into my own, gained confidence, dated (like whoa), and eventually…fell in love.

…to now. I never dreamed I’d be in the job I’m in, the apartment I’m in, and the loving relationship I’m in. I never thought I’d be in a place where the premise of marriage doesn’t scare me (at some point in the future), where it feels like an option, an exciting one at that. A place where the thought of kids one day doesn’t scare me either, thanks in large part to a beautiful niece who I don’t think I could love any more than I do now.

As the last song if the class rolled around, I felt utterly amazing. I’ve come a long way, baby, and it’s only just the beginning.

~~

Have you had a crystallizing moment lately? Something, someone, a song, a TV show, a place, spark a memory that brought you back to a down place, and you can look back at it now with pride, because life as you know it now is just where you’re meant to be?

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “A throwback of a different kind.

  1. While I wrote that post yesterday on my blog, I was totally remembering this feeling – that I wanted to protect you, especially beacause you just felt SO fragile, more fragile than I’ve ever ever seen you (obviously). And while I’ve always been an overprotective sister, I sort of went into overdrive during that time. I tried to be the “big sister” in a way – to get you into that spin class and ride together even though it scared the crap outta me too. Even though it was the hardest time ever in your life, I cherish that time we had together, so much. For that time together, the closeness of our relationship, I’m very grateful for that. And to this day, I LOVE to spin with you, wicked haahd. πŸ˜‰ xoxo

    1. Thank you sis…you are really good at being overprotective ‘big sis’ and it came at a time where I really needed it. I’ll always be thankful for you and for all that you did! XO.

  2. when i look back at where i was before i started law school, i simply do NOT recognize that girl. and she was most assuredly a girl, no matter how much she thought she was a grown-up. when the hurricane hit in 2008, that was my crystallizing moment. after gustav swept through, he took with him a lot of confusion and swept in a chance to totally rebuild everything.

    and now, in 2011, it’s all coming together. and it couldn’t feel better. funny what it takes, eh?

    1. Wow, that is such a great story, and to think it literally started with a hurricane, in more ways than one. I am so glad you are in the place you are now!! That is amazing.

  3. I just wrote up my post for tomorrow and its so similiar. Looking back at the years and seeing how far you’ve come! You’ve definitely OVERCOME a lot! You should be proud of that.

  4. So glad to see you’ve come so far in your journey and life really is good for you now and you’re in a great place. It’s interesting looking back on life and reflecting, I think life goes through peaks and troughs, good times, great times, amazing times and bad times, stress times and tricky times.

    One thing that I’ve learnt from tricky difficult times is I’ve learn who I can count on in life and I think if you can maintain a sense of humour amongst the madness of stress, it can help. It looks like 2011 will be a great year for you like 2010.

    1. So true Susan, you really do eventually find out who is your real friend and who isn’t. I am glad that you are realizing that and you do have some people you can count on!!

  5. I have moments like that now and again. I still have some growing to do, though. Still have somethings I want to accomplish. But yes, completely astounded as to what I believed then…. compared to what I KNOW now.

    Great post!

    1. Thank you T! I have a lot of growing left to do too…I think we should always strive for more, don’t you? damn us overachievers… πŸ˜‰

  6. Being compared to others? Honey…listen up… it’s best to have other people compared to you. You were created unique for a reason. Be the trendsetter not the follower….followers get nowhere and are reduced to being lableled as “sheeple”

    Live extraordinary, breath life in and truly fear nothing except for the damage you can allow yourself to handle and love…both yourself and someone else like it should last forever….

    i love your writing….i love your insight….

    Thomas

    1. thanks for your visit and your kind words. You are right, comparing to others is a bad habit. It’s something I struggle with, but am always striving to be myself and nobody else. Right?

  7. in reference to my comment and your follow-up comment… yes baby… completely just be you… if you would just open the door that is you on an honest basis, you might get hurt yes, but on the flipside, the man that would hurt you would know what kind of gem he lost out on…. I have read your words and I share an intimate base with you that I really respect…so grow…and move…and impress with just being you… show a simple smile…that would be the statement that any “real man” would want…. wear your colors on your sleeve…don’t be a modern cold girl…. wink…wink…

    T.

  8. Some days I have moments where I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. I’m no longer a weak person who will sacrifice who she is at the core for another person. And then sometimes I still feel like I want to vomit over the memories. Eh, maybe someday I’ll grow up to be like you! πŸ˜‰

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s