Speaking of throwbacks, I had a major flashback yesterday in my Group Ride class yesterday (read this post from my sis to see where it originated), that threw me back into December of 2008, when I was at one of my most fragile points.
Why did Group Ride bring me back to that emotional point? Because I had just joined this gym, as my old gym closed its doors suddenly (it was actually really good timing, as there was this lovely old man that reminded me of my grandfather who sat at the front desk at my old gym, and he absolutely adored my ex and me and was always chatting us up at the gym. I could barely look him in the eyes anymore and never had the heart to tell him we were separating. I just would play along with it and make excuses for why he wasn’t with me…sad, right?).
Looking back on that day at the gym…here’s what I so succinctly remember:
I walked in to my very first spinning class, scared out of my trees (f or some reason, spinning always used to intimidate me. The dark room, the loud music, the uh, spinning). Thankfully my sister Jess was with me, but I was nervous and just never did well in new situations. I got very shy, I’d hang in the back, and try to blend in. Thus what I did then, too.
(I also do recall soon after meeting who I so fondly referred to as “CSB” or cute spin boy, my very first crush after separating from my ex. Though he ended up having a girlfriend, it taught me ‘how’ to flirt again, and that I could like someone else. So all was not lost. And hey, I can still admit that he’s cute!)
But soon after the class started, I felt that adrenalin rush, the fear was subsiding and though it was absolutely one of the most difficult classes I had ever (and still think it is the hardest workout – next to running – that I have ever done) and hearing the very same songs as in that class, fast forwarded to yesterday, was a crystallizing moment for me.
The me then compared to the me now is such a stark contrast. As the songs played during the class and my adrenaline was flying, it felt as though I had a montage of scenes rushing through my mind…
…from those dark days in late 2008, the fear I felt, the sadness, the meakness and the inability to stand up and be strong…
….to 2009, a year where I saw transition, the heartbreaking short sale of my house (which, in hindsight was a blessing), and my divorce commence.
…t0 2010, probably one of the happiest years I’ve ever had, all things considered, a year where I really came into my own, gained confidence, dated (like whoa), and eventually…fell in love.
…to now. I never dreamed I’d be in the job I’m in, the apartment I’m in, and the loving relationship I’m in. I never thought I’d be in a place where the premise of marriage doesn’t scare me (at some point in the future), where it feels like an option, an exciting one at that. A place where the thought of kids one day doesn’t scare me either, thanks in large part to a beautiful niece who I don’t think I could love any more than I do now.
As the last song if the class rolled around, I felt utterly amazing. I’ve come a long way, baby, and it’s only just the beginning.
Have you had a crystallizing moment lately? Something, someone, a song, a TV show, a place, spark a memory that brought you back to a down place, and you can look back at it now with pride, because life as you know it now is just where you’re meant to be?