Feeling Selfish.

Feeling selfish.

I got smacked in the head with a wave of feeling selfish earlier this week when M texted me after a particularly rough day “I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. You are the only light in my life right now.”

Why did I feel selfish instead of feeling swoonish?

Because I didn’t realize just how badly he was feeling leading into his capstone presentation this weekend. Of course I knew he’d been pulling 3 am nights trying to get it done, and then getting up three hours later for work, groggy and foggy. Of course I knew it’s been weighing on him day in and out and I see it flit across his face and eyes almost constantly. Of course I could feel the tension in him, and hugging him was the only time he’d melt into me and not feel so tense.

I felt selfish because I couldn’t be there at that moment to give him a kiss and a pep talk and tell him he is almost there, that he is amazing and smart and wonderful and driven like no other and I find that crazy wonderful about him (being 3000 miles away felt like a continent away, quite honestly).

I felt selfish because I have been so focused on my job and letting fear scare me instead of motivate me, that I was focused on talking about me, me, me, when in reality, this is his time. To shine. To need. To get the support he is constantly giving me.

And I felt like I was failing at that because he felt so low. I know it wasn’t my fault, per se, but I think I could have done more to listen first, talk second, and not immediately launch into me. And maybe part of why I did that was because I know he tends to hole up inside himself and not want to talk about it. But in reality, he has been opening up a lot more about it lately, so I don’t even want to ‘hide’ behind that excuse either.

I felt selfish, and I never want to feel that way, because I don’t think that I am. I try not to be. And he supports me so effortlessly always.

Now is his time. He is so close. And I couldn’t be more proud. He presents on Sunday and I will be there supporting him (with my sister and brother in law, which I find so cute, that they want to come) and his parents. He showed his web site to my mom last night and I couldn’t help but beam…seeing that, and seeing them connect too, was wonderful.

That made me swoon.

He makes me swoon.

For all that he is and all that he’s capable of.

And this weekend is all about support and then celebration. I can’t wait.

**okay, I realize this is the second Friday in a row with a swoony post, but this one couldn’t be helped, mmk? ;-)**

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21 thoughts on “Feeling Selfish.

  1. Relationships are all about give and take, you know? I’m sure M was grateful for you and vice versa. YOu care for him and support his career, no selfish thing about that.
    🙂

    1. You are right…thank you! I just felt like I wasn’t really doing all I could, and partially because I was so far away. I’ll make up for it 😉

  2. Ok, here’s the deal.

    Be SO thankful that you have something to occupy your thoughts other than worrying about him. Because, my dear, that isn’t helpful to him either. I’ve *cough* been doing that recently *cough* myself.

    So trust me on this. Allow him to be there for you. It takes his mind off of his stress. And allow yourself to be leaned on, even from far away. It takes stress from you too. It’s all part of staying connected and growing those roots that go down deep.

    Very awesome. Enjoy the swoonage. Good luck to you both!

  3. Oh sweetie….love you to death but I think too much (you and Jess both by the way and never me of course). I have so much I want to say but don’t want to sound preachy. You and M are so perfect……seriously. It all takes time, and while it seems like you 2 have been together forever, you haven’t.. There’s still so much to learn. But the great thing is (in my mind) is that it really does seem like forever. If that makes sense. It just seems like it’s always been.

    1. Aww thank you Heather! You never sound preachy, so please do share…I’d love to hear it all. And thank you for saying that about us, I truly believe it’s feeling way longer than 7 months too and it’s just so right and natural. Every moment.

  4. I agree with all the above comments. You’re in no way selfish, I can see the love you have for M. Hope all goes well for M on Sunday. Swoon away, it’s all good.

  5. Mmmk. I love your swoony posts. It feels good. I love having it all work out.Can’t wait to hear how Sunday goes.

    I’m feeling a little guilty myself right now. I have so much going on in our life, I don’t feel like I’m being a supportive friend.

    *sigh*

    Just know that I really am thinking of you!

    Big hugs! Tell M that I’m rooting for him.

  6. I agree with T. Of course you want to be “aware” that he is having a hard time and be there for him. On the other hand, it doesn’t do anyone any good if you metaphorically take on his worry. It is better that you have a life too, and things to focus on, and I don’t think that what you are describing here falls under the category of selfishness. Not at all. You’ve been stressed yourself with work stuff, and its understandable that it made have made you less aware of what he is going through, especially with all the traveling.

    Anyway, sorry this was totally long and rambling. I think the point is, he is stressed justifiably and I am sure that he didn’t even notice that you perceived yourself to be not 100% supportive of him. I am sure that thinking of you critically was the absolute last thing on his mind.

    Anyway, I am pretty sure by now that he has finished presenting his work, so hopefully you two are enjoying the weekend and relaxing!!!

    1. Thanks Marisa, you are right too…I appreciate your perspective and thoughts on this and you never ramble. Don’t worry 😉 And yes, it went awesome today!

  7. Totally agree with your blog friends on this one sis, you are not selfish! You’ve been super supportive of M throughout this process, you really have. And he’s been just as supportive your job transition. That’s the whole point of this relationship thing – you give and take and it ebbs and flows. You two are doing great. trust me, sis.

  8. The fact that you didn’t swoon when you read that text and instead felt selfish actually proves that you’re not. So many girls would have made it all about them.

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