I got smacked in the head with a wave of feeling selfish earlier this week when M texted me after a particularly rough day “I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. You are the only light in my life right now.”
Why did I feel selfish instead of feeling swoonish?
Because I didn’t realize just how badly he was feeling leading into his capstone presentation this weekend. Of course I knew he’d been pulling 3 am nights trying to get it done, and then getting up three hours later for work, groggy and foggy. Of course I knew it’s been weighing on him day in and out and I see it flit across his face and eyes almost constantly. Of course I could feel the tension in him, and hugging him was the only time he’d melt into me and not feel so tense.
I felt selfish because I couldn’t be there at that moment to give him a kiss and a pep talk and tell him he is almost there, that he is amazing and smart and wonderful and driven like no other and I find that crazy wonderful about him (being 3000 miles away felt like a continent away, quite honestly).
I felt selfish because I have been so focused on my job and letting fear scare me instead of motivate me, that I was focused on talking about me, me, me, when in reality, this is his time. To shine. To need. To get the support he is constantly giving me.
And I felt like I was failing at that because he felt so low. I know it wasn’t my fault, per se, but I think I could have done more to listen first, talk second, and not immediately launch into me. And maybe part of why I did that was because I know he tends to hole up inside himself and not want to talk about it. But in reality, he has been opening up a lot more about it lately, so I don’t even want to ‘hide’ behind that excuse either.
I felt selfish, and I never want to feel that way, because I don’t think that I am. I try not to be. And he supports me so effortlessly always.
Now is his time. He is so close. And I couldn’t be more proud. He presents on Sunday and I will be there supporting him (with my sister and brother in law, which I find so cute, that they want to come) and his parents. He showed his web site to my mom last night and I couldn’t help but beam…seeing that, and seeing them connect too, was wonderful.
That made me swoon.
He makes me swoon.
For all that he is and all that he’s capable of.
And this weekend is all about support and then celebration. I can’t wait.
**okay, I realize this is the second Friday in a row with a swoony post, but this one couldn’t be helped, mmk? ;-)**