Of frustrations, cycles, and wishing.

Today, I had a bevy of frustrations at work (well, this week, not just today), which I tend to more when I am in the office than when  I am in my home office (probably because I see more firsthand and have a lot more 1:1 conversations).

And I know this will sound like a broken record and I realize that I totally have a ‘cycle’ with my blog posts when I am out here that go something like this – first day, blissful, happy to be somewhere warm, full of promises for a good, successful week – second day – frustrations, fears, worries about my job and whether I am doing a good job – third day (tomorrow!) – homesickness, tiredness, hopeful for the weekend (note: I am trying my best to stave off homesickness especially since  I leave first thing in the morning on Thurs and am home by 6!)

(wow that was a long run-on sentence, wasn’t it? <-me talking to myself. See? Tiredness creeping in!)

My work frustrations spill into my brain in a cycle of wishes and wants….here’s a sampling…

I wish…

I knew the answer. Every time. (it will come in time)

I wasn’t afraid of the unknown. (take the bull by the horns!)

That I didn’t hear ‘well, this is how we/[my boss]/so-and-so does it…” (why do we have to always do the same thing?! In some cases, yes, of course, but in others? Come on now.)

That I knew the office politics and who to trust (man, that’s something you just take for granted being in a company for 8+ years!).

That my boss was still here (stop wishing for a crutch…)

See? Ongoing inner battles with myself and my ability to just go with the flow. Transitioning into the job and role have been far harder than I anticipated. I am floored by how much I still don’t know, even though I’ve been in this field for so many years. To think I wondered if my move would be somewhat lateral. Hello…no way, completely different (even if in some ways, quite familiar).

And I know…you are all confident in me. you are all supportive. you are all so damn right all the time, whenever I post about this. So I feel like a silly broken record that clearly can’t take your advice, support and encouragement or just can’t find it in me to feel as confident as I want to.

I know I will get there.

I just wish I already was.

…maybe my run this evening with Erika (*yawn*) will help clear my head, give me some clarity (as did yesterday‘s workout!) and loosen me up.

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18 thoughts on “Of frustrations, cycles, and wishing.

  1. doubts and frustrations – oh yeah, i’m with ya there. it’s sometimes so hard to get out of the way and take the challenges for what they are instead of spinning them into referenda on your capabilities, eh?

    but in the immortal words of lucy van pelt, which form one of my favorite mantras, “the mere fact that you realize you need help indicates that you are not too far gone.” as long as you know, somewhere down there, that it’s gonna be OK, you’re OK. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much, you are right. I am spinning this farther beyond what I am capable of at this very moment and beyond and just need to take it one day at a time. It’ll get better. I know…

  2. Hey, you know what? We can be supportive because WE’RE not YOU. Of course you’re feeling overwhelmed and all the other wishes. And you also know it will come in time. All of this will pass. Right now, you’ve gotta put your head down and get in the game, don’t you? Look at it as a marathon. You know how you break a marathon into smaller runs? Do that. Get through it, bit by bit.

    And KEEP BLOGGING it. The blog dump helps you to relieve the stress. This is a place for you to BE and center. A place where you know you can lean and find support.

    We’re still here and we’re still saying, “You got this!”

    You still do. Baby steps. 🙂

  3. I think you’re being way too hard on yourself and you aren’t giving yourself enough credit.

    You been in the job for just three months and I think it takes a minimum of three months to settle into a new position, even within the same company. How about on your flight home you start writing down everything you’ve learned about your position and what you are handling.

    Don’t pay too much attention to the “we do it this way” – it’s their way of maintaining certainty. You can’t change it all at once but step-by-step you can and provided you can demonstrate a good reason for the change, you’ll get your coworkers on board.

    1. Thank you Mandy, I really value your perspective and comments so much! You are right, it has only been 3 months, I shouldn’t expect to be farther along than I am. I just feel this heightened sense of all eyes on me right now given my boss is out and just want to prove myself. But I should be proving myself in MY position – not hers. I’m merely covering off on everything while she’s out and some things, well, they will be over my head, right? I have to accept that. I love the idea of writing notes on the plane! I will do that.

  4. Seriously, I feel the exact same way about the job shift. It’s been incredibly more of a challenge to adjust to an entirely new company (and a much larger company) and figuring out where I fit and where I can enact change. And, like you, I am totally stressing that three months in and I still don’t feel 100% settled. I have a hard time realizing that this kind of job shift takes LONGER than 3 months to adjust to. I just wnat to hurry up and get there…but like Lindsay and Heather said (so smart you ladies are!!), it’s the journey, it’s the learning, the evolution, all very important.

    1. Yes, I want to feel settled! And it is taking far longer than I had wanted. But, I guess we are in this for the long haul and together. We can do it!!

  5. You can pretend you always know the answer 😀 It’s fun!

    In my review this year, my boss told me everyone comes to me because I always know what I am talking about and I am confident about the subject.

    Secret: 92% of the time I don’t know jack and I hack my way through it.

    Lesson learned: it works!

    It’ll get easier… you’re THE BOSS! Remember that!

    1. Thank you! That is my biggest stumbling block – putting my game face on! I am just not good at it. It’s written all over my face. Tips?!

  6. The girl who is training me is leaving for her vacation a week from Monday… I’m starting to get nervous though I know I can most likely handle it all… Even her new job which I am currently cramming like crazy for!

  7. I guess the only real tip I have is never go into something unprepared. I try to read a lot. And I’m never afraid to ask a question in front of people…I think it’s better than like, such as, Iraq, such as, like… hahahaha 🙂

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