Yesterday afternoon my boss was induced.
10 days earlier than anticipated.
Which means no last-minute transition of open items.
Which means my impending vacation comes at the exact worst time ever. A lot of loose ends. A lot to tie up by Friday. A lot to transition to our agency to help cover off on while I’m out (because besides my boss and me, we are the only two that handle comms in the entire company. We always try to avoid that happening).
When I hung up with her, I started to cry. I started to panic. Big time. I started to freak out. My mind blanked. I started IMing my sister freaking out, saying “I can’t do this. I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I can’t. I can’t. What am I going to do.” Near hysterics.
M called me and tried to comfort me, he tried to reinforce that I got this, that they wouldn’t have hired me if they didn’t trust me and have confidence that I could handle this step-up role while she’s out. I tried to listen and believe it. He texted me and said: “remember, it’s okay to lose to your opponent, but you shouldn’t lose to fear.”
Stopped dead in my tracks. He’s so right. Fear cannot paralyze me. It absolutely must not control me and break me down. It’s game time and I must act. I must trust my instincts. I must not fear failure. This is my time to prove myself. I need to believe that at the end of this 8-ish weeks, that I will have grown into my ‘big girl wheels’ and ditch those training wheels I am clinging to.
It seems unfathomable to me that I will be where I need to be at the end of this test. I’m truly scared. I’m trying to shed the fear and turn it into motivation. I’m trying not to internalize it, especially on my vacation. I just need to trust myself and know I can do it.
As T said to me on Twitter tonight (thank you for being my little guardian angel right now…so needed and appreciated): “breathe and relax in the discomfort.”