Takeaways

I gotta say, I love you guys. The amount of feedback, much of it varying (but some of it similarly themed) to my post yesterday was amazing.

At first, I was hesitant to blog about this and ask for feedback as in the past, when I have, I have had trouble not taking feedback or opinion personally. Or judgmentally. But this time, I wanted to take it all in, without getting myself in a tizzy or worrying what people would say or think. Because this is my blog and I write for me, primarily, and this is my relationship, and only I really know what is best.

Beyond that, what I loved about this post was the takeaways I got out of it:

  • It reminded me how lucky I am. Because I know M is by far, one of the best things to happen to me and we have something really special. And it’s worth working at it and seeing it flourish.
  • It made me realize just how strong of a self-awareness level I have on what I want in my relationship and in my life and what I am willing to work through and what I am not.
  • That ‘too nice’ is subjective and open to interpretation (kinda like ‘happiness is a choice!). My definition is difference than yours and yours may be different than the next person’s, but we all have our limits but the bottom line is, too nice (to me) in terms of M does not mean weak, spineless or a pushover. That, he is not. He is a giver and a pleaser and sometimes he needs to reign that in, I think, to a level that keeps him happy and me, because this is a two-way street.
  • My underlying fear of M’s niceness is that he will lose himself or become resentful if this becomes one-sided. That I do not want. That is probably the worst outcome of a ‘too nice’ attitude. And one that is hard to recover from. So my goal is to help him understand that he can say no, that he can ‘have his way’ too and that we can both be happy with a happy medium. He needs this. I need this. We both do. It’s completely doable.
  • M’s generosity and niceness is engrained within him and I don’t want to change him. Bottom line.

At the core of our relationship, we have something truly special and what I love is that we are laying the foundation for something longstanding. It’s hard for me to capture the essence of what we are becoming beyond, simply stated, it’s by far, more than I could have ever hoped for, (relatively) soon after divorce. He’s it. We’re it. And as we move out of the ‘honeymoon phase” (month five and counting), I’m actually really looking forward to the bumps in the road because they’ll just make us stronger.

Swoon. Still in effect (as I sit here waiting, mid-snowstorm as he battles his way to spend the next day together snowed in.)

 

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23 thoughts on “Takeaways

  1. Ah, so cool, glad you feel comfortable putting stuff out there and taking what all of us say with a grain of salt, lol!!!!!! But seriously, why not. Like my post today, oh boy, lol, I must trust you all 🙂

    1. Haha, yeah, well sometimes it is easier said than done (not to let others’ opinions get to me!) but I really appreciated all of the commentary and back and forth! Was so helpful!

  2. These were a great pair of posts!

    They reminded me of a friend who is engaged. She seems to be the M in their relationship. She always goes along with her fiance. She’s happy and she loves him, but I still worry about her knowing who SHE is and what SHE wants from life. Because she’s always doing what he wants. Even if that makes her happy.

    Maybe it’s not about him “saying no”. Maybe it’s simply about M figuring out if there are things that are all his own. That he can invite you to engage in, as opposed to it being about saying yes to you. He could easily do this within your relationship, and it could be really interesting and world-opening for both of you. It would also avoid bringing in “you need to say no” to the relationship – making it more positive. Does that make sense?

    1. it does make sense. and I see your point though I don’t necessarily think that that’s part of it, the finding stuff that makes him happy. it’s balancing that with making ME happy. We can have both!

  3. I’m so glad that you took the comments in and didn’t let any of them really get to you. I think you really said it best (in terms of the why of that post) you’re worried about M losing himself and making sure you don’t take advantage or that he doesn’t feel that you take advantage. That’s smart.

    1. Thanks friend! It was useful to read the comments for that very reason – helped me distill down what I was trying to get at, more coherently!

      1. shocking. I’m in total agreement with Heather. What else is new??

        It’s just nice to see that you are looking out for him just as much as he’s looking out for you. Sure, you do that in different ways, but its there, that love and affection is palpable.

  4. So glad and happy for you that you’ve found M. That’s exciting too that you’re moving out of the honeymoon phase. Sometimes I think while I love the honeymoon phase and getting to know the guy, the next phase is more real and deeper. Enjoy your day snowed in together, that’s one of the great things about winter is curling up on the couch and relaxing with a guy, chatting and eating tasty warm food and just being totally content in each others company.

    1. You’re right. While I do love the beginnings of a relationship, I also love the getting settled in part. Really figuring each other out, nuances and such. Snowed in will be great even if I have to work and he has homework 😉

  5. I think its great to put “it” out there. and be open for comments. I think it shows what a good person you are to be so open minded. That can only benefit a relationship.

    Kittycat

    1. thank you! I do try as much as possible. Some days are easier than others to be open to others feedback without letting it necessarily change my opinion or perception.

  6. Swooon is right!! I have to say I’m a bit jealous because even though I’ve found someone great and its going well, we’re only into month 2 and things are not THAT smooth or THAT certain so when I don’t hear from him for a day I’m still like Has he finally woken up and realized what a fraud I am and decided to dump me? Has he read the blog and hates me for writing about us? is he going back with his ex? I know this makes me crazy but still. M is AMAAAZING to you and you are in no doubt that this “is it.” and you are in it for a long haul. I just dont have that comfort of certainty yet. So happy for you and cheers, T.

    1. You know what? You are so right. I DO have that certainty and I hadn’t really looked at it that way, but I do. And that’s an awesome feeling. Thanks for reminding me of that. As for you, you are going to get there, I know it. Mr U sounds a-mazing himself!!

  7. OMG, I so know what you mean about being afraid to post it. There are a few subjects I have been hesitant to post about because of fear of what people think. I had to drink 3 margaritas to share about the argument (it was a sacrifice I was willing to make! LOL) And that is silly because this is what the blog is all about!!

    1. EXACTLY! It takes some adjusting, but it’s usually worth it. Wow, did it really take that much ‘liquid’ courage to post that? I thought it was absolutely fine!

  8. I can understand your worries about this. I think my Gentleman thinks I may be “too nice” sometimes. I think this is why he encourages me to speak up when I’m upset. I think this is why I’m trying so hard to work through my resentful martyr complex. It’s just how I’ve always done things and I know it’s not healthy. There is a balance in there somewhere…

    1. Ah, so glad I’m not alone on this! There is a balance, but it is hard to find sometimes, especially when you’re used to doing it all yourself.

  9. I agree that it’s hard to put stuff out there when you know everyone may very well disagree and make you feel bad. But I just try to keep in mind that everyone has my best interest at heart. At least I hope so! I think not wanting to change him is the thing that will keep resentment from growing on both sides.

    1. It really is! But yes, most people do have our best interests in mind, so that’s what I try to remember even if I don’t always agree. We’ll get there, M and I. I am confident of that.

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