You know, that age-old fallback excuse for not dating the ‘nice guy/girl’…is it possible to be *too* nice?
I was first asked that question this weekend by my ex (yes, my ex) as we caught up briefly about life, in general. He’s back at the dating game (again. shocker.) and asked me if I thought he was ‘too’ nice. Well, suffice it to say, my first snarky rely was going to be ‘um, no, clearly you’re not, since you divorced me.’ But I thought better of it and would have honestly only said that as a joke, not because I truly believe it, because I don’t. He is a nice guy.
But that’s not the point of this post.
Sometimes I struggle with M’s niceness. He’s a giver. Through and through (please withhold the ‘that’s what she said’ comments, though I guarantee at least half of you smirked at that word choice. Heh.). He’s incredibly generous. He never says no (as we know). He puts me (and most everyone else) ahead of himself.
Yet I find that difficult sometimes.
Sometimes I just want him to say no to me. To put his own needs before mine. To let ME pay. To take me up on the ‘no gifts for Valentine’s Day because it’s a silly holiday’ thing. To offer up an opinion on plans when I suggest something (he suggests or makes plans for us too, don’t get me wrong, but if I offer something else, he’ll almost always go with my plan instead). To say no to those in his life that constantly ask him for money.
He may sound like a ‘pushover’ and he’s actually not, because he does stand up for himself, he’s a leader at work, and a solid contributor in every aspect of his life. He mostly ‘takes my lead’ on stuff we do together because he says ‘when I am happy, he is happy’ or ‘I don’t care what we do, as long as we’re together.” All beautiful words and gestures and I love him so much for it, but part of me fears taking advantage of that, so I become hypersensitive to it and try to censor myself in terms of putting an opinion out there on plans and such and wait for him to suggest something first, sometimes, because I know that if I make the first move, what I say goes.
I don’t know why I hate that sometimes, but I do. I hate it, but I love it about him, because at the root of it, he is a generous giver of a man. And there are so few of those in this world. And I am lucky enough to have one in my life. And I know it. But that also adds to the hypersensitiveness.
We’ve talked about this quite a bit. And we’re both working on it – for both of us to communicate as openly as possible, no matter what, for me, to be more open and flexible and to take that step back (my own initiative, not anything he’s said or done) and him on learning to say no. I’m determined to get that out of him. But is that the right thing to do? I am not even sure. I don’t want to change him. But I don’t want him to ultimately become unhappy in our relationship or for it to be one-sided.
So, what do you think? IS it possible to be too nice?
After ‘blogging it out,’ I don’t thing I agree with that statement, but I do see the danger in being so open that you never get ‘your way’ and that’s the last thing I want to happen with us. I believe in fairness and equality and balance in a strong relationship. We’re mostly there, I think, but sometimes it just weighs on me and affects me more than it should.
(not even sure if this post makes sense. I’m just sort of blurting it out there as it comes to me. So, bear with me!).