Why is my first inclination to say ‘no?’

M never says no.

He always tries to make me the happiest I can be.

No matter if that means bending his own plans, or whatever he had in mind.

And it would be very easy to take advantage of that quality, that unwavering sense of devotion and aiming to please.

And I’m starting to see a pattern that isn’t “me” (at least, not the “me” I am now, but it was the ‘me’ of before).

I am starting to catch myself almost take advantage of his kindness and wanting to make me happy 24/7, no matter what. And I never want to do that, because it should be give and take and for every time he compromises a bit for me, I should too. Isn’t that what love is all about? Happy mediums? Give and take? Open communication?

So why am I still rallying against this freakin routine thing and wanting to do things my way all the time?

Why can’t I just BE and live a little, let it flow more?

Case in point…when discussing what to do tonight as we were planning to spend the night (him at my place as he likes to come to 6 am Ride with me on Wednesdays) and we’re expecting 18 inches of snow overnight into Wednesday…my hope was that we’d get snowed in, and even though I’d have to work, he could hang out and do his homework at my place. And we could crockpot and snuggle all night. Sounds all good, right?

And then a text pops up: “let me ask you a question: what if we got snowed in at my place instead?”

And my first inclination (in part true of course) was hesitant. To say no in part because if I have to work, it would be more convenient to do so here, and also because I forward my calls to my home office, and it would then be obvious I wasn’t home, if I was only returning calls from my cell. As it’s my first week working from home, I didn’t want to do anything sketchy.

But honestly? My boss would understand if I got snowed in at his place. If he had to work on Wednesday (which was really why he was asking), his drive to work would be 10 mins vs. 45 from my house. In that much snow, no question easier for him.

So, of course, once I realize why he was asking in the first place, I feel like a jerk. So I tell him that of course, I will stay at his place instead, and if I need to drive home in the AM (since the snow won’t get bad until after 7 am), if he has to work, I will. His response? “No, I wouldn’t want you to do that, I’d be scared to death of you driving in that!”

Swoon.

Seriously. he cares so much (as do I) and is always thinking ahead. And all I can think of is ‘no?’

Wow, this routine thing has a bigger grip on me than I thought.

…and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. M. Is. Amazing.

(I wrote this post last night. And then had a nightmare that he broke up with me. I woke up gasping for air. I told him my dream this morning and he told me he loves me so much and it’ll never happen. Seriously? This man is perfect, I am convinced…)

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46 thoughts on “Why is my first inclination to say ‘no?’

  1. I think it’s difficult for you to let go of your routine because it has come to represent safety and security for you. Giving that up means, on some level, putting your trust in something (or someone!) else. That’s a very difficult thing to do. Try taking some baby steps. Ripping all your former forms of security away will be anxiety-making for you and put a strain on the relationship.

    My best advice? Be honest with M. Tell him exactly where your head space is, what your fears are, etc etc. Be clear with what you need from him as you work through this. From the sounds of things, he’ll do what it takes to get you through this. πŸ™‚

    *hugs*

    1. Thank you so much – you seriously have the best advice, always. Have you considered being a relationship guru or therapist? Honestly. But you are right. And I have been more honest with him lately about my struggles with my routine and trying to let that go a bit. And he’s giving me the space I need to take my time with it, which I completely appreciate. I just need to work through it and give it time.

    2. This is great advice! A recent post on City Girl’s World talked about the same fears that you felt in your nightmare. Exhale and be honest with him. There may come a time when you’re less attached to your routine or when M says: no. But, if you’re honest with each other, everything will continue to be okay. xoxo

  2. Seriously…the kind like M don’t come around often…so…whatever you did in your dream…DON’T DO IT in for real life…cause…well, obviously: bad plan.

    Even though, come to think of it, I’m sure whatever you did, M-in-real-life would be all, “no problem, babe.”

    1. I know…the dream actually scared me because it made me think that maybe I take him for granted just a little bit. And I never want to do that. He’s far too important to me. And you’re right, he WOULD say ‘no problem babe!” So true…

  3. I swear the resemblance between your M and my S is uncanny. Just last night, he was telling me that if I ever need anything, I can just ask him, and he’ll be happy to go and get it. And I told him that I would probably never *ask* him. He said, “I know; you have to change that.”

    But in this particular case, I think you should not feel wrong for wanting to stay at your own place. I’m certain he would understand your work situation. I think you *can* be yielding and still remain true to yourself and those things that are important to you. Don’t forget that in addition to wanting to be more flexible, you have expressed not wanting to lose yourself. This is a perfect example of that.

    Tricky, yes. But there can be a good balance.

    1. Wow, yeah, we totally have to meet up next time I am in Cali! So many similarities, huh? And you’re right, he DOES understand the work thing too, and it’s just as much an adjustment for him as it is for me, I think.

  4. I’m still struggling with this with HS Marine. I see myself doing it but I just can’t seem to stop. Then, once it’s done, I realize I was an idiot and I feel guilty. It’s not even that he makes me feel guilty… I make myself feel that way because he’s so darn nice about me and my rules! But I am working on it and I did succeed last night! One down, fifty million to go!

    1. EXACTLY! I don’t want to know I am doing it AFTER I do it, but before, so I can stop myself. I totally get what you mean. But score for you for success last night!

  5. Oh, I’m sorry. I did the same thing when I was seeing “T” in NC. I was hell bent on turning over a new life, but some of my old tendencies kept creeping up. He, of course, could care less, but it was important to me to be independent, do my own thing, and not take advantage of his willingness to bend over backward. So, I am right there with you.

    1. Yes, I don’t want to take advantage of that ever, especially as I know he has been burned in the past by people taking advantage. Maybe that’s why I’m so hesitant to let him help me sometimes too.

  6. My first inclination had I of received his text…would have been to say no. This is why. I hate when you have plans and then someone tries to change them. MX did this all the time. We would have plans to eat at a specific restaurant and EVERY time he would change. If I let him see that it upset me then it was my fault for being controlling. Had this been an every once in a while thing it would have been fine. But it was every time.

    Different situations but don’t beat yourself up for wanting what you want…you had plans. He asked to change them. In the end you compromised. (Also, look into forwarding your calls to your cell when you spend the night. That way if you are running late you can answer and they are none the wiser. Its okay to miss a call now and then too!)

    1. I know what you mean – and it actually wasn’t so much about the shift in plans, since we hadn’t really determined for sure whose place we were going to stay at, I kind of just assumed he would come over (which I tend to do sometimes, also a bad habit) as we tend to get together during the week once at his, once at mine. But anyway, I DO get your point though because compromise is hard either way, some people are just better at handling it than others, I guess, too! (and yes, I need to figure out my phone more and how to forward it myself, I had to ask my boss to do it for me, thus why asking her to shift it to my cell would be a little weird).

  7. this one touched home. in the back of my mind, i have been thinking a lot about this too. am i too selfish of a person? but if i fall back into the habit of always giving in, will i lose my inner strength that i’ve worked so hard to build? at some point there needs to be a fine balance of the two…and i think that comes with trust. sounds like you have that.

    1. YES – that is exactly my fear, AM I just selfish? Rigid? Unwilling to bend? Or just adjusting? There is a fine balance, and trust is a huge part of that.

  8. I think it is hard for us as women who have worked so hard after our divorces to be more selfish and learn to do things for us. I think we were people who did a lot for our husbands. I have a hard time with this from time to time and I’ve learned I’m not giving over everything to him, just a night at his place.

  9. Jason is that way too – always wanting to make me happy and I definitely fall into the trap of taking advantage of it. He wants to go out to one place b/c of whatever reason, but I am selfish and have reasons for wanting to do something totally different. It’s not fair at all and I really have to watch myself. It’s a control thing I do believe – hello Type A personalities!

    1. You’re right, I think type A-ness has something to do with it too. It is a really easy habit to fall into, and I always want to be aware and realizing what I have in him. He’s a keeper.

  10. lol… so where did you end up staying?

    There’s nothing wrong with looking out for number 1, but it is nice that you have someone else looking out for you now too, so you can let up a little and look out for him a little more. That’s the nice thing about being in a “proper” relationship, you don’t have to look after yourselves as much because you’re also looking after each other.

    At least M had the balls to ask you for what was easier for him… so when he asks you for things like that just try to remember that it’s not often he asks, and think of all the nice things he does for you. πŸ™‚

    1. Well, it’s for tonight and he actually decided to stay here. He even packed a few days worth of clothes in case we really get walloped. So cute. And it isn’t often he asks, it is one of a zillion nice things he does for me!

  11. Just curious, did you ever do dream analysis? I read a bit on dreams and why we dream what we dream. I think dreaming about breaking up with someone is a sign that the relationship is really good but the person is stressed if that makes sense. So it’s all good for you, M is a keeper for sure.

  12. I find it hard to break out of a routine as well and the scary thing, is that the longer I’m single, or on a dating “hiatus” the more I have a hard time getting away from it. I go for a run every day after work, I have to eat dinner by a certain time or I get grumpy, I like time to read blogs and work on my own, I have shows I like to watch on certain nights, I like to go visit my dog on Saturdays and do any required running around, I do laundry, clean and buy groceries on Sundays. It’s not much of a routine – but it’s enough of one that the more I get involved with it – the harder it will be to break. Baby steps is right though as mentioned above – you’ll get it figured out in your own time!

    1. wow, you seriously sound just like me…that’s how I got too, that IS my routine, and at first, with M, it was hard to let that loose a little, because I loved all those things on my own, it was my ‘thing.’ While it is still a struggle, it gets easier and better by the day. But it IS baby steps, through and through.

  13. I love when men act like men and protect their women. swoon, indeed.

    and the dreams? I constantly have nightmares that Eric died. Anytime I read some crazy ass story in the newspaper about a family dying or someone dying, I will inevitably have a nightmare that Eric died…I think it’s our fear of losing someone we love manifesting itself in our dreams…ugh, i hate it.

  14. I’m with MommaSunshine on this one – GREAT advice. Be honest, sis! Seriously, it’ll never steer you wrong – and it’ll get you into that habit of always communicating, something you didn’t always do before. Ya know?

  15. Geez girl! How did you getting so many loyal followers and commenters? This new blogger needs your secret! So… I dont enough about u or your relationship to know how things go and act all the rest of the time. In fact, you may be the perfect one in ur own way giving him what he needs and wants in ur own way. But based on this one incident Id say you gotta make an effort to be more flexible and make things easier and more convenient FOR HIM once in awhile. Like if he INSISTS on coming to your place bc he doesnt want u driving but itll add 30 mins to his snowy commute INSIST rt back youll be fine, this time its about HIM. Your absolutely rt its all about the give and take. Im so happy for u that youve found someone that loves u that much. Very luck girl. Im still working on that feat. Cheers, T.

    1. Thanks for the visit and the compliment! I had another blog before and “brought” my bloggy family with me, I guess, but you’re right, this one got lots of comments, I do feel lucky to have all the perspectives! And you are right, I DO need to be more flexible. I am working on it, trying to get out of my rigidness of the past. And for new readers like you, I should build a page of the players, huh. Good project.

  16. This is a tough one. You can’t always measure a relationship like a bank account, comparing the number of times you say “no” verses M. Compromise is good, but that doesn’t necessarily mean an even split 50/50. There are some things that might just be more important to you than they are to him, like your routine during a stressful period of adjustment with your new job.

    It’s sweet that you two care so much about each other’s welfare, but it almost seems to complicate things. There are so many conflicting interests here: what you want, what you think he wants, what he wants, and what he thinks you want. Don’t judge yourself based on what you think he wants, or should want. He might be perfectly happy satisfying your every desire. But if this imbalance really becomes an issue for you, M needs to learn to say “no” just as much as you need to be more flexible. It’s not all about you changing and getting out of your comfort zone.

    And remember, your routine is part of who you are. Let M love you for it! Have a nice snuggly snow day!

    1. You pick up on something interesting…his never say no-ness. He just never does, or he is always willing to do whatever I want to do. And I have told him that I want him to make a decision too, because I don’t have to make much of them. I think he thinks if he does whatever I want to make me happy, that’s a good…when it’s not necessarily always a good thing, as he should do what he wants to do too (not saying that it’s my way or the highway, but I think you know what I mean). And I know, you love routine just as much as me. It is part of who I am and whatever my new routine turns out to be, it’s still going to be mine πŸ™‚

  17. I love reading about how much you are growing in this relationship. It helps me see that everything isn’t always perfect. But also if you love someone you can work anything out. Funny, I bet this situation would have caused a pretty bad fight for many other couples. Kudos to you guys for turning it into love. πŸ™‚

    1. Aw, thank you so much. We are growing and writing it all out is helping me work through my feelings and figure out where I want to take things, and all of everyone’s feedback is so helpful too!

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